Please forgive if I owe anyone a reply here. I'll try to get to it eventually. The Boy and I have been faced with some big challenges this past week that I don't care to discuss yet. I do have something I want to say on the heels of yet more challenges. I meant to post about this previously but I get caught up in real life things and don't take time to do it.
Two portions of scripture. I want to say what I've learned on this journey. There are similar refs/accounts in other New Testament books, I am just using these.
Matthew 18 (KJV because that is what I was raised up with and know best.)
1 At the same time came the disciples unto Jesus, saying, Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?
2 And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them,
3 And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.
4 Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
5 And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me.
From Matthew 19 (KVJ)
13 Then were there brought unto him little children, that he should put his hands on them, and pray: and the disciples rebuked them.
14 But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.
I know what this means now.
I know what it means to be God's child, to trust him fully, to be humbled and to come to him as a child. I've known what these verses were but I never knew what they really meant until all of this happened to me.
Just when you think you sort of know it all because you're older, the Lord shows you that you have more to learn and gives you a chance to learn it, that he knows your inner workings and knows you can learn it before you are even aware of it. In the past I've described myself as a life long learner. But I never understood the depth of meaning of what that means until all of this came upon me. One might say inflicted upon me. But the outcome has been more worth it than I have words to fully describe it.
The Lord has shown me over and over again throughtout the past 2 years or so, that he really DOES see me, that he really DOES hear me, that he made us from the beginning in the Garden because he
wanted us...and he still wants us today. That he loves us deeply in whatever state we are in. That he does answer prayer. He wanted to love us. He still loves us and wants a relationship with us.
Sometimes the answer is an immediate "yes", sometimes it's "No, I have something better in mind". Some times it's "Not yet. Not yet, Jersey, hang on just a bit longer, hang on, Jersey hang on, I know you can hang on a little longer...then
NOW! Jersey, NOW! " And bam! He lines things up perfectly to my benefit and the benefit of others.
I've learned to try to stop viewing my own circumstances through the narrow lens of my own experience. I've learned to try to widen the scope of that lens to understand that sometimes when there's what feels like a "delayed response" or even a "no" that it's because the Lord is working in other lives for other purposes and he takes care to line things up and put it all together. It's not just my life he's working in and it takes time.
Example: Why did I have to get the stinker of a gastro PA before the NP came along. Did the Lord know I would hang on and keep trying? Then in August the wheels started to come off and what did I get? The NP who listens to me, who
reads me like I can
read other people. That's a little creepy sometimes to know she's like me. I know that when she's with me, she's reading my voicetones, my facial expressions, eye contact, body language without even making an effort. I do the same thing with people and sort of "record" them. Hard to explain to people but it's true. She didn't come into the practice until the PA was gone and at that very time when I reached out in desperation. And she had answers for me that have helped me so much.
It may be that the PA had personal or professional issues to deal with and that is why she left the practice or was let go. But just at the crescendo of my own issues, that's
exactly when the NP came into my life. She told me recently that I have been a blessing to
her. Imagine that! Imagine saying that to someone who sees
her as a blessing? I've never had one single medical person ever say that to me.
That is just one example. The list is
extensive but I won't take time to write it all down here.
Like all the folks who responded to my thread here and extended a hand of friendship and caring. People I never imagined would do that but they did. Some of the folks who posted here have extended themselves behind the scenes where you can't even see it in the most unexpected ways. You might likely be surprised to know what posters have done that! And just look at the folks who continue to follow this and reply to me here. That's pretty amazing! People who follow me, show me empathy and support, such kindness and those who have stepped in to run interference for me when someone has come in here and said something entirely out of place. You all know who you are, don't make me name names! All anyone has to do is comb through this thread to identify you! Some of you talk to me here on the thread, in private messages, on Facebook or on your phones. You have been so faithful to me with friendship I can hardly describe the level of gratitude you have developed in me!
I want to say that God's timing may not be fast enough for us. That sometimes we're asked to
hang on especially when the Lord knows we can do that and
will do that. Like me, I am capable of hanging on and I have. My recent challenges have led to new insight about what may be contributing factors in all of this. Stuff I never even thought about exploring have put me in a position to explore and consider them now. Some physical stuff, some trauma related stuff. Stuff I either didn't know about or stuff I pushed aside to take care of the physical stuff. Stuff I can see on a CT scan have recently raised new issues. I have had trauma in my life reaching back to childhood and I have known all along that certain current situations in my life reach directly back to that and caused me
enormous stress. I can't resolve everything, have found ways to cope that help but I could do with a therapist here as I have time to connect with one. I need to get these things literally
out my gut because they serve to partially explain how I ended up in this condition because they contributed to developing symptoms that have debilitated me more than I have ever experienced in my life.
Don't worry about what I've said here. I am alright. I don't have any horrible terminal disease or condition. I've just become aware of issues to address on account of a recent CT scan and I think the Lord is opening new doors to me so that I can seek understanding and solutions. I assure you that Jersey isn't losing it. She's
finding it. And wanted to share this with anyone interested in reading about it.
This has been my life verse for decades, there's a story there! It has to do with events leading up to Ma's death, my begging for an answer, a sign, and
getting an
immediate answer :
Isaiah 40:31 (KJV)
31 But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
Here are two more that I've accepted as life verses.
Isaiah 46:4 (KJV)
And even to your old age I am he; and even to hoar hairs (your gray hairs) will I carry you: I have made, and I will bear; even I will carry, and will deliver you.]
Yes, he has carried me and delivered me more times than I can count throughout my life and as I have aged and he's still teaching me!
Isaiah 43 (KJV)
1 But now thus saith the Lord that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine.
2 When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.
This has been true for me and more recently so! I have not been overflowed by life's waters. I have not burned when going to through a trial that feels like fire. If anything...I have experienced what we refer to as the "refiner's fire". The one that purifies us.
I don't think I am entirely pure. I don't think I can ever be entirely pure in this world. But I know without a shred of a doubt that I am being taught and changed.
I just wanted to share that with anyone who would be interested in reading it...or not! Over the past 2-ish years, I decided to go out on a limb and share my inner life with people in real life and here. I've guarded my inner life for ALL my life and I've decided to let authentic self fully free where in the past I've only shared snippets of that in real life or on this board.
Thanks for reading this if you did!
Authentically yours,
Jersey!
