I didn?????t go on a mission = punishment/pain

[_Logan5]

What is your calling, if you don't mind my asking?

I’m one of the counselors in EQ
I talked to the EQ pres. he was fine with me talking a less active roll – so I’ll stay for now.

Also, are those in Elders Quorum generally saying things to you that make you feel uncomfortable, or is this simply a perception based on your insecurity?
I think it is important for you to hang on to your confidence in your ability to handle the other aspects of your life, and apply that confidence to your church situations.

Overall it’s all of that and other nuances relating to “didn’t serve a mission” discussions.
Elders’ talking about their mission experiences does not upset me what so ever.
A recent example of what I’m sensitive to - It was pointed out that: “this particular prophet didn’t serve a mission but, he did have an extra strong spirit.” Also, that it was hard to believe that there we a few other prophets that didn’t go. But they must either have had illness, hardships, or were at war.

Well that can be viewed two ways. First way, even if you didn’t go on a mission you can even become the prophet.

Second way: You could become the prophet even if you didn’t serve a mission, but you must really make up for it with spirit. So they overcame their “handicap”

I’m very sensitive and yes my perception based on my insecurity is there as well.

Apply that confidence to your church situations

I’ve thought about doing that – I would engage and the debate would quickly turn into why going on missions are so important. I feel the other Elders would quickly topic shift to create a screen for the young ones that have not went on a mission yet.

Well…more to consider.

[_Yoda]

I’ve thought about doing that – I would engage and the debate would quickly turn into why going on missions are so important. I feel the other Elders would quickly topic shift to create a screen for the young ones that have not went on a mission yet.

I don't see why you need to debate anything regarding your personal situation at all. This is YOUR personal business....something that happened 20 years ago. You are almost 40 years old, have a temple marriage, children, and are just as successful as any other member of the Church.

It isn't anyone's business whether or not you served a mission. Your job as a member of the Elder's Quorum Presidency is to serve the needs of the quorum.

As a body, are you going to encourage young men to serve missions? Of course you are. That has absolutely NOTHING to do with YOUR personal situation and the choices you made 20 years ago.

Maybe the only way to beat away this ghost that seems to be haunting you is to have some type of assignment where you are, in fact, working directly WITH the missionaries. Maybe you should slay this dragon head-on if it is really bothering you that much.

Go to your Elder's Quorum president and say, "I can't change the past. I didn't go on a mission. There were circumstances in my past 20 years ago that precluded me from going. It had to do with an inactive family, and circumstances surrounding that....NOT a worthiness issue. That was twenty years ago. Since then, I have been married in the temple. My children have been born under the covenant. I have a testimony of the gospel. I know that missionary work is important, and I support it. I plan on serving a mission with my wife when we retire and the time is right. What is it, that I can do now, that can further the missionary efforts in our ward?"

If this is your approach, then YOU are taking back the control. You're not cowering. You're not apologizing for something you have no need to apologize for. You're being a man.
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[_Logan5]

I’ve thought about doing that – I would engage and the debate would quickly turn into why going on missions are so important. I feel the other Elders would quickly topic shift to create a screen for the young ones that have not went on a mission yet.

I don't see why you need to debate anything regarding your personal situation at all. This is YOUR personal business....something that happened 20 years ago. You are almost 40 years old, have a temple marriage, children, and are just as successful as any other member of the Church.

It isn't anyone's business whether or not you served a mission. Your job as a member of the Elder's Quorum Presidency is to serve the needs of the quorum.

As a body, are you going to encourage young men to serve missions? Of course you are. That has absolutely NOTHING to do with YOUR personal situation and the choices you made 20 years ago.

Maybe the only way to beat away this ghost that seems to be haunting you is to have some type of assignment where you are, in fact, working directly WITH the missionaries. Maybe you should slay this dragon head-on if it is really bothering you that much.

Go to your Elder's Quorum president and say, "I can't change the past. I didn't go on a mission. There were circumstances in my past 20 years ago that precluded me from going. It had to do with an inactive family, and circumstances surrounding that....NOT a worthiness issue. That was twenty years ago. Since then, I have been married in the temple. My children have been born under the covenant. I have a testimony of the gospel. I know that missionary work is important, and I support it. I plan on serving a mission with my wife when we retire and the time is right. What is it, that I can do now, that can further the missionary efforts in our ward?"

If this is your approach, then YOU are taking back the control. You're not cowering. You're not apologizing for something you have no need to apologize for. You're being a man.
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What salient points you make; I need to reflect on them.
There is a psychology to all of this and I have a malfunction of some kind.

Hope this makes sense:
When I hear from people that have left the LDS church and pronounce that they are free from it, I am happy for them and I desire the same for myself – maybe for different reasons.
Also, when I hear people in the church that are happy, fulfilled – I’m happy for them and want the same – yet I’m not able to connect.

I like the resolve people have on either path.

[_Yoda]

Logan,

I hope I wasn't too harsh in my response. I just want you to recognize that you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I somewhat understand what you are going through. I could not finish college due to health situations. For years, I felt very guilty for the money my parents spent, and inadequate for the lack of education.

When I was 35, I went back to school. I not only completed my BA, but also completed a Masters degree, and my work paid for it! It ended up being a great example for my kids that it is never too late to go back to school.

However, I am still encouraging them to get their education while they are young. That is still ideal.

Maybe that is the approach you need to take. You can certainly encourage the young elders in your ward to serve missions at the ideal time even though your personal choices were slightly differrent.

[_harmony]

My DH did not serve a mission. Due to health concerns for me and a family tradition of not serving missions due to lack of funds, he chose to stay home and get married instead. We will not serve a mission in our retirement (due to many of the same though elevated now health concerns). So he will never serve a mission, even after I am dead and gone.

I live in one of the most orthodox wards ever invented, yet my DH has never been dissed because he didn't serve. He's served in presidencies and in the bishopric, and he served a one-year stint as a stake missionary (but all they did was go on splits with the missionaries, essentially to save the missionaries miles on their car).

I have 2 of my 6 sons who didn't serve missions. Since both are nearly inactive, it doesn't seem to bother them a whole heckuva lot. Our ward treats them like visitors when they come to church, so there's no rampant easily detected censure. I don't know if their home wards even know they didn't serve.

Maybe back 40 years ago serving wasn't the norm that it is now? And maybe if my sons cared about it, it would matter enough to them to mention?

[_Logan5]

Logan,

I hope I wasn't too harsh in my response. I just want you to recognize that you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Not at all, think nothing of it. I’m not feeling any guilt.
Please don’t hold any of your thoughts back.
I don’t convey my thoughts effectively via typing.
I’m going to try to relate everything without typing 10+ pages when I get a time to think on it more.

I’m parsing all the comments right now as well.

... so there's no rampant easily detected censure.

In the past I’ve thought of wearing a “button camera” to show firsthand what I’ve experienced. One of the most common reaction is when they ask “where did you go on your missions?” after I tell them “I didn’t go” the reaction is liken to finding out someone is an ex-con. The conversation gets uncomfortable and ends. Their body language is very obvious.

[_Yoda]

In the past I’ve thought of wearing a “button camera” to show firsthand what I’ve experienced. One of the most common reaction is when they ask “where did you go on your missions?” after I tell them “I didn’t go” the reaction is liken to finding out someone is an ex-con. The conversation gets uncomfortable and ends. Their body language is very obvious.

I'm not saying that you are misreading the body language. I know that there is a certain "given" when people ask "Where did you serve your mission?" that the active male members they are speaking to served...particularly those who are in presidency callings such as yours. However, I do think that you are being overly sensitive to the situation.

You have to find a way to be at peace with your life choices. Are you happy with your life? Your family? Your career? Your relationship with God? If the answers to those questions are "Yes," then you have nothing to prove to anyone.

The next time someone asks, "Where did you serve your mission?" You simply answer, "I didn't have the opportunity to go." Period....no other explanations...end of story.

That should end the uncomfortable silence. And the person asking the question will simply move on....particularly if he is asking his question in a group setting.

Also...seriously give some thought to volunteering to assist the missionaries in your ward. If you are actively doing something to help them, that, in itself, is going to allow you to feel like you are serving the missionary effort, and it is also going to "turn that radar off" that you feel is constantly on you.

[_zzyzx]

All young men in the Church who do not go on a mission are lower than pond scum and are cursed... which explaind Dallin Oaks. HE never went on a mission.

Add Steve Young to the mix of NO Mission LDS gloryhounds. Merlin Olson is one for those of the older set. Cael Sanderson, Olympic Champion wrestler fits here too.

[_Dr. Shades]

My DH did not serve a mission. Due to health concerns for me and a family tradition of not serving missions due to lack of funds, he chose to stay home and get married instead.

Did his staying home and getting married help you get better?

Logan5:

Here's a solution for you: Start telling people you did serve a mission. Tell them you went to Nagoya, Japan from 1990-1992.

See the link at the bottom of this post? The one titled "Elder Shades' Missionary Journal?" Click on it, then click on the number 150, then begin reading from Day 1.

Once you've read the whole thing, you'll have a whole bunch of mission stories, spiritual experiences, familiarity with missionary culture, etc. so that you can fit right in with any conversation about missions.

Problem solved!

[_Logan5]

Here's a solution for you: Start telling people you did serve a mission. Tell them you went to Nagoya, Japan from 1990-1992.

See the link at the bottom of this post? The one titled "Elder Shades' Missionary Journal?" Click on it, then click on the number 150, then begin reading from Day 1.

Once you've read the whole thing, you'll have a whole bunch of mission stories, spiritual experiences, familiarity with missionary culture, etc. so that you can fit right in with any conversation about missions.

Problem solved!

That makes me smile. I could Photoshop myself into your mission photos.

I could have a whole kit to reference. I’d be tempted to embellish stories or even make up my own incredible experiences for a Sacrament meeting talk. I would need a secondary mission cover in case I ran into someone that was at the same mission – I could then claim I was transferred to Chernobyl Russia. I think I might get too much entertainment from doing that and would take it too far. It might make a for an interesting LDS movie idea. Mission Impossible 4 "getting off the disavowed list.”

I'm not saying that you are misreading the body language. I know that there is a certain "given" when people ask "Where did you serve your mission?" that the active male members they are speaking to served...particularly those who are in presidency callings such as yours. However, I do think that you are being overly sensitive to the situation.

You have to find a way to be at peace with your life choices. Are you happy with your life? Your family? Your career? Your relationship with God? If the answers to those questions are "Yes," then you have nothing to prove to anyone.

Yes, I agree with you, I am sensitive to the situation.
Something “snapped” after that incident with my my wife.
All the past negative experiences came rushing back.
Before that event any strong or typical non-mission reactions did not affect me.
I can’t seem to switch back to the way it was.