DiscussMormonism.com

As some of you know, I resigned from membership over a year ago. My wife and kids are still members.

Our oldest son returned from his mission about the time I resigned. Our two younger sons are 19 and 21 respectively. Both were planning on serving but the older has now decided his window is past. by the way, I served an honorable mission in the early '80's.

The Right of Passage

I've stressed to the boys that if they intend to remain Mormon (which they do), they would be remis if they did not participate in what I consider to be a Mormon young man's right of passage. It could be argued that doctrinally the mission is no more than a strong recommendation. But culturally, to reject the call would be a negative social stigma for the rest of their lives.

The Plan of Happiness

For a Mormon, the mission is part of the Plan of Happiness. When he was about 19, our 21 year old had decided not to go (because God had not answered His prayer). He pretty much stopped going to church or hanging with his Mormon friends. He got tired of everyone asking, "when are you going?". His friends that were going spent less time with him. Their goals were polarized opposites. It was a tough year or so for him. His girlfriend dumped him as well.

If he doesn't go (but remains active), he will spend the rest of his life with the stigma of being a less faithful member - from attending Elder's Quorem to participating as a leader in the young men's program. He'll probably end up like Nehor as an old maid (just for a different reason). Faithful families don't want their daughters to date a mission dodger. I know I didn't.

As much as I feel the most deep seated emnity particularly toward the man that was once my hero, I know they need to go if they are to remain.

The pros for me is that the mission may condition them to organize and structure their lives more responsibly. Seems a portion of mission dodgers will eventually join the military service to get the desirable structure and discipline they may see in some returned missionaries. My friend's son did this several years ago. Upon one of his returns from Iraq, he had decided to become a pediatrician. Seeing this maturity and focus was so incredibly pleasing to his parents and others like myself. But the mission is a safer choice, though. Sadly he is now unable to fullfill that dream.

So, as an ex-member who wants his children to be happy in whatever direction they decide, if they remain in the church they gotta go.

Thoughts?

If a young man desires to go because of the possibility of future cultural stigma or because he wishes to add discipline to his life, I think he should not go at all.

There can and should be at least some social stigma. For example why should an RM not be high prized by faithful LDS females (or males in the case of a sister)?

Having said that, I sent home one of my companions on my mission because he really did not want to be there. He still married his girlfriend in the temple and is active today. I don't think it would've turned out so well if his parents and the mission president had had their way.

bcspace wrote:If a young man desires to go because of the possibility of future cultural stigma or because he wishes to add discipline to his life, I think he should not go at all.

This is probably the only time I will ever agree with you bc. And just on this one point.

The leader that sent me on the mission went on his to avoid the Vietnam draft, my dad went because my mom refused to marry him otherwise. I knew guys that got new cars (when cars used to be cool). Some went purely out of family tradition and even elitism. I went because I felt a love for the people I had yet to met. I thought I had something that could bring peace and happiness to their life (although I realize now that it is at best a cultish temporal hope, but I'm not willing to tangent off into this subject here). I wanted to make the world a better place. I still do.

Yeah, I've emphasized to my boys that the reason why they ought to want to go should reflect the same desires Jesus emulated when he washed his disciple's feet. To serve, love and bless. Hopefully learning to treat others like themselves rather than objects or conquests. Obviously, there are missionaries that return more pious and full of themselves than when they left - only because love and service is difficult to teach through the constant badgering of underachievement, guilt and number chasing.

Working for the Red Cross would potentially have the same effect (serving others), but it would not count as the proper right of passage for a Mormon young man.

Inconceivable wrote: He'll probably end up like Nehor as an old maid (just for a different reason).

Inc...

I certainly hope that your 21 year old is finishing school, and doesn't feel like his opportunity for marriage to an LDS girl is out of the question.

If he is an active member who is living the gospel, going to school, and training for a career, he isn't going to be viewed "less worthy" to the type of girl who should really matter, anyway.

liz3564 wrote:If he is an active member who is living the gospel, going to school, and training for a career, he isn't going to be viewed "less worthy" to the type of girl who should really matter, anyway.

Liz,

We're not talking about what you would be willing to do if you were 20 again. I'm making reference to a believing 19-24 year old Mormon woman. Those that influence this potential bride include every Primary, Young Womens leader, her parents and family, the bishop, SP etc.

Inconceivable wrote:We're not talking about what you would be willing to do if you were 20 again. I'm making reference to a believing 19-24 year old Mormon woman. Those that influence this potential bride include every Primary, Young Womens leader, her parents and family, the bishop, SP etc.

If his intentions are not for pure spiritual reasons, then he should not go. He especially should not go for the reason of getting a women would base her decisions on him based on his going on a mission.
There are a lot of fish in the sea, maybe you should both consider moving the fishing boat out into some deeper waters?

It's my belief that the "stigma" of not serving a mission fades away within 5-10 years, and by the time the boy is in his 30's, it's irrelevant.

The biggest problem will be if he wants to remain in the Church for those 5-10 years, and especially if he wants to marry an LDS girl. I would think most LDS girls 18-22 are still focused on marrying an RM, and it isn't until their mid-20's that they start getting a little more perspective (and desperate) and will broaden their search criteria. But there will always be good marriage prospects that won't hold it against him, just not as many.

The most important thing someone can do if they opt out of a mission is to attend a different ward. As long as he attends a ward with people that have known him, he will always feel self-conscious and think people are looking down on him (even though most ward members won't know or care). Going to a new ward will allow a fresh start.

cinepro wrote:It's my belief that the "stigma" of not serving a mission fades away within 5-10 years, and by the time the boy is in his 30's, it's irrelevant.

The biggest problem will be if he wants to remain in the Church for those 5-10 years, and especially if he wants to marry an LDS girl. I would think most LDS girls 18-22 are still focused on marrying an RM, and it isn't until their mid-20's that they start getting a little more perspective (and desperate) and will broaden their search criteria. But there will always be good marriage prospects that won't hold it against him, just not as many.

The most important thing someone can do if they opt out of a mission is to attend a different ward. As long as he attends a ward with people that have known him, he will always feel self-conscious and think people are looking down on him (even though most ward members won't know or care). Going to a new ward will allow a fresh start.

Absolutely. Though he still lives at home, he's returned to church a few months ago to another ward. He really liked the girl that dumped him. She had greater expectations. If she's still around at 25 or so, I think she will see things much differently.

Inc wrote:Liz,

We're not talking about what you would be willing to do if you were 20 again. I'm making reference to a believing 19-24 year old Mormon woman. Those that influence this potential bride include every Primary, Young Womens leader, her parents and family, the bishop, SP etc.

Did it ever cross your mind that there may be a few LDS mothers like me, who just might be raising their daughters to look at more than just an RM pedigree?

My daughters are 17 and 20. If they marry someone who is an RM, that's fine, but it is certainly not the most important factor. Kindness, common interests, doing well in school, strong career focus...All of these things come ahead of "the RM factor" for my kids.