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Thanks for this opportunity to express this here.
I have a current dilemma I could use some of your thoughts, insights ideas – anything.

Partial overview to present-day

I didn’t go on a mission and that turned my world upside down.
Most of my ward disavowed me.
People I knew in the community would turn and walk away after asking why my “papers” were not in yet.
I was outside at a friend’s house when some missionaries stop by. They ask if I was LDS and then my age and conveyed that I should be on a mission. As they were leaving one of them turned back and yelled “you are going to burn in hell!..” His companion was holding him back from coming back over as he delivered his message.
My family was Simi inactive and I knew very little of the doctrine of the church.
I was in elders’ quorum and the elder teaching the lesson started quizzing me in a hostile manor on things I didn’t know. It was humiliating – it only ended when an Elder in the back of the room yell “enough!”
So I went to college started dating only to get dumped after they found out I didn’t go on a mission.
For years I went into a wide orbit of inactivity to get away from it all. I’ve lived in different cities large and small here in Utah and still would run into the stigma of it all.
I felt like the bird that gets all its feathers picked off – the others birds can’t seem to resist.
Even had employer (I was 29 years at the time) pull me aside with an intern that was going on a mission say “you will always regret not going on a mission...all ways regret it right Logan?”

I found a LDS girl – married and later sealed in the temple.
My wife knew of my experience, but has never fully understood what I went though.

I have three great kids. About two years ago I finally started going to elders’ quorum again. I later got a calling to be one of the counselors in the EQ presidency.
I thought “My feathers have grown back – things are good.”

Currently I’m 39:
My wife and are talking when she turns to me - “I wish I married a RM…” The rest is too painful for me to type out.
I realize that there is a relationship component to this – she did say it to hurt me.

I feel nothing in church now and I feel resentment over unwritten retribution embedded in some members and now my wife.

I really just want it to stop. If I didn’t have my kids I would stop going to church
–I’m fairly certain that she would get a divorce if I stop going to church right now.
I love my wife, but to hear the words from my own wife is devastating.

Thanks in advance for any of your thoughts.

Logan

You have found what many have. The mission is a right of passage in LDS inc, and even more so in Utah Mormonism.
If you could play football or entertain or play basketball you would be just fine without serving two years for 'DaChurch' and 'DaLard'. Steve Young, Donnie & his dippy brothers and the basketball crowd in the NBS have few problems. But the stigma remains in the minds of many LDS... they chose the glory of the world over doing Gods work.

A mission is not for everyone but too many LDS do not see it that way.
One thing you might think of saying when it comes up is 'Dallin Oaks didn't serve a mission and when I counseled with him he told me The Lord had other plans for me'... why not lie to these jackasses who don't really care for anything other than how things look through their prejudices.

Maybe you can ask her how she think being an RM would make a difference in your marriage. Is she implying that your spirituality or "priesthood" isn't par, because you didn't go on a mission? Well weren't you able to take her to the temple? I think it would be spiteful to throw something back at her, so please don't do this, but if you want to put it in perspective you could point out something like I wish I'd a married a "supermodel", because it is about falling below the "perfect" standard. It would still make no difference, and it shouldn't. She should think that you are the best the way you are, and you should think she is a "supermodel" the way she is.

It sounds like a "grass is greener" sort of thing.

zzyzx wrote:. . . 'DaChurch' and 'DaLard'. Steve Young, Donnie & his dippy brothers and the basketball crowd in the NBS . . .

[MODERATOR NOTE: zzyzx, this is the Celestial Forum. Please be 100% respectful and polite on any and all occasions while participating here--which includes not using nicknames. Thank you.]

FOCUS:

I have a very small ability to relate to what you're going through. I didn't begin my mission until way after I was 20 and 1/2, so I know what it's like to meet women, etc. only to have them immediately and palpably "turn off" once they learn your age. I know that it's no picnic--I can only imagine what it's like to carry that stigma throughout the rest of your life.

For my money, I think Redefined gave some excellent advice.

As for me, I know from personal experience that RM status means zip, zero, zilch, nada, nothing when it comes to one's potential spirituality and/or husband material during the course of one's "real life." I'm an RM. . . I even extended for a month, so I'm arguably more of an "RM" than most others. . . and to a man, all three of my friends who didn't serve missions are orders of magnitude more faithful and better husbands than I am.

In short, RM status is no guarantee of anything.

Feel free to show this post to your wife.

There's something going on in your marriage besides something you could have done 20 years ago. Your wife's comment is an indicator of a deeper problem.

You might want to find out what that is.

.

Logan, your inherent worth stems from being a shining child of God, not from any mission served. Those religious folk who say otherwise seem to be missing the big picture. Others who have made you feel lessened are pitiable.

The problem here is with your wife. Wish there was a way to bring enlightenment to others, but they invariably have to seek their own path. Hope she gets beyond that and accepts you fully for who you are.

Thank you all for your thoughts.
I wish I had more time to respond in kind to everyone right now – I will when given the time.
Being so close to this ordeal an outside perspective was needed –your advice is refreshing - and gives me some needed solace. I really appreciate not getting the typical responses of “just pray” “just go to the temple” and never addressing my issues directly.

I’ve talked with my wife tonight. Part of our conversation did include parts of your replies. Some progress has been made and I see things more clearly now.


So, right now I need to be in a neutral position on what to do next for a while.
I’ve briefly looked around this site and feel I should take some time to explore.
I think I have a few questions I’ve always wanted to ask as well.


Thanks
Logan

Hi Logan,

Welcome to the board. :-)

Sorry to hear you have struggled with this issue, and, glad you have been able to chat with your wife. Yeah, LDS church members can be pretty tough on those men who don't serve missions.

I think the one bit of "advice" you will get from pretty much everyone here who has struggled with belief is to take it slowly!

You have some questions? This is a great place to explore whatever is bothering you. There is an incredible amount of collective information and knowledge you will find on this board. I have yet to see a question go unanswered.

If you are feeling uncomfortable you may want to stick in the "celestial" forum where things are a bit more tame. :-)

Warm wishes,

~td~

Logan,
Very sorry to hear all of this. This is really a cultural issue, and in a place liek Utah it's easy to see how this could happen.
Theres a man in my ward who didn't serve a mission. He instead got married to the woman he is with to this very day. They are going on 20 years now. Their son is going on a mission soon, and the man himself is a youth leader of outstanding abilty. He knows every boys name, knows where they are in scouting, knows how to inspire them, etc.. etc...

Theres often a discrepency between what is real and what is perceived. The Church is very strict about who they are sending out these days. the currect number of missionaries is about 3/5ths of what it once was because if you don't have a testimony your not going. I hate to say that I probably wouldent have made the cut if I were to go out today as opposed to when I did. My testimony took hold in the mission field.

Pray about it and let the Lord know whats going on. Learn to accept things for what they are and carry on. If people ask tell them that at the time you werent ready to go, that your planning for a senior mission. Where you stand and where you're going is far more important to where you've been.

And forgive your wife. She knows not what she does.