The Grace in My Mother's Love

[Meadowchik]

One thing about losing my mom is that she was like air and water to me. She had always been there in my life and, despite being a mother of many children, she never let me down when I needed her.

There’s another layer to it, though. She did so much invisibly that her absence now has been that much more of a shock.

Mom had the obvious responsibilities, like the shopping, meals, and housework. But what she also gave us was curiousity about the world, empathy for others and ourselves, and a voice always ready to sing. At church, she was a teacher and hymn conductor, but also she could really see people with an uncanny ability to understand and love them.

I grew up with an LDS mother who was always the helper but never the owner of the work. She kept the house together but Dad had the final word. She made beautiful programs and lessons happen at church, but priesthood leaders had to approve it all, in one way or another.

I wish I could have seen my mom come into her own more, be herself more without a thought to others, speak her opinions more, seek her own happiness more.

She did each of those things to varying degrees, I think, but, if I outlined each with borders, then I’d see they are borders I am now crossing in my own life. And therefore, where I am is the frontier to me. I suppose it’s a universal truth that all children get to these frontiers where there is no path worn by their parents.

But the church never taught me how to be part of a complete family without a father at its head. Yet, here I am. It never taught me how to be the full-time caregiver who also worked. Instead, I grew up an expert at compromise, submission, and obedience. Mom was my model. But now I have to figure out how to make unilateral decisions, know my priorities, and make the rules myself.

I would very much have liked to tell her all about this frontier and have her hold my hand as we walked it together. I would have liked to see her laugh at it, get angry about it, maybe even lecture about it.

I say I would like it, but that’s the worst part. I don’t know if I ever would have grown enough to appreciate all that before she died. As she was, she was my air and water, remember?

However, I try to imagine my children in my shoes after I’m gone, wishing I had been fully me, and then I can be brave now.

And that’s when I realize that, actually, that invisibility is two-directional. Just like a small child not understanding, I didn’t see, and sometimes she knew I didn’t see when I needed to see. And just like all of us, sometimes she didn’t see either, and sometimes she didn’t know.

But that didn’t stop her love.

I had to leave an abusive marriage that tore my world apart. The courage to leave came from one foundational principle: I am of worth.

The Young Women’s motto I repeated every Sunday offered this to me in theory, but my mother’s consistent care made it real. She was my sounding-board and comfort.

Our last phone conversation was a video call. I could see the tubes helping her breathe. Her words were careful, given with effort. I could sense her pain and exhaustion. But she was happy to speak to me, and she reiterated one final time in support: you deserve better. You. Are. A. Person.

It has been difficult since her passing. Beyond her absence, there has been one crisis after another in my life. And yet we had so many conversations that I can still almost converse with her now. I can anticipate what she would say, and I know how she would make me feel.

How can a mother say things when her children are not ready to hear? She says them over and over but in a million ways, so that, when she’s gone and they’re ready, their memories of her carry them forward in time, beyond who she was, until they finally hear her and can be brave.

This my mother did.

https://sistersquorum.com/2024/03/04/th ... #more-1747

[Marcus]

...one foundational principle: I am of worth.

The Young Women’s motto I repeated every Sunday offered this to me in theory...

But not in reality. The lds church does NOT teach that women, in and of themselves, are of worth. As harsh as this may seem, it is only when mothers LEAVE the lds church, and THEN tell their daughters that they are of worth, that this message will have meaning.

I consider it my single most important accomplishment of my life that my children live their lives in freedom and peace, and are not weighed down by the shackles of lds culthood. I have changed the path of 8 generations. The process of leaving took its toll on my life, but my children are free.

[Meadowchik]

...one foundational principle: I am of worth.

The Young Women’s motto I repeated every Sunday offered this to me in theory...

But not in reality. The LDS church does NOT teach that women, in and of themselves, are of worth. As harsh as this may seem, it is only when mothers LEAVE the LDS church, and THEN tell their daughters that they are of worth, that this message will have meaning.

I consider it my single most important accomplishment of my life that my children live their lives in freedom and peace, and are not weighed down by the shackles of LDS culthood. I have changed the path of 8 generations. The process of leaving took its toll on my life, but my children are free.

My mom didn't leave, but I did. Even then, she agreed to me dressing her body after she passed. (She was terminally ill and planned her own funeral.)

You can't tell me my mother's message didn't have meaning. It did and always will.

[Marcus]

But not in reality. The LDS church does NOT teach that women, in and of themselves, are of worth. As harsh as this may seem, it is only when mothers LEAVE the LDS church, and THEN tell their daughters that they are of worth, that this message will have meaning.

I consider it my single most important accomplishment of my life that my children live their lives in freedom and peace, and are not weighed down by the shackles of LDS culthood. I have changed the path of 8 generations. The process of leaving took its toll on my life, but my children are free.

My mom didn't leave, but I did. Even then, she agreed to me dressing her body after she passed. (She was terminally ill and planned her own funeral.)

You can't tell me my mother's message didn't have meaning. It did and always will.

Of course it did. I'm not telling you that.

By the same token, my message as a mother has meaning as well:

...one foundational principle: I am of worth.

The Young Women’s motto I repeated every Sunday offered this to me in theory...

But not in reality. The LDS church does NOT teach that women, in and of themselves, are of worth. As harsh as this may seem, it is only when mothers LEAVE the LDS church, and THEN tell their daughters that they are of worth, that this message will have meaning.

I consider it my single most important accomplishment of my life that my children live their lives in freedom and peace, and are not weighed down by the shackles of LDS culthood. I have changed the path of 8 generations. The process of leaving took its toll on my life, but my children are free.

[Imwashingmypirate]

...one foundational principle: I am of worth.

The Young Women’s motto I repeated every Sunday offered this to me in theory...

But not in reality. The LDS church does NOT teach that women, in and of themselves, are of worth. As harsh as this may seem, it is only when mothers LEAVE the LDS church, and THEN tell their daughters that they are of worth, that this message will have meaning.

I consider it my single most important accomplishment of my life that my children live their lives in freedom and peace, and are not weighed down by the shackles of LDS culthood. I have changed the path of 8 generations. The process of leaving took its toll on my life, but my children are free.

Bit harsh...

One person might perceive a message in a completely different way to another, doesn't mean either is wrong.

The YW motto for me as a YW, having just fled domestic violence with my mum and brothers Having phone calls from my dad who had a restraining order after trying to kill us telling me on the phone his life wasn't worth living anymore so he was going to come find us and kill us and then kill himself. Living in constant fear, planning escape routes. Feeling like I'm worth nothing, gave me something of a sense of worth outside of my weird childhood. So yeah, I can see your perspective but I also know that my time at church as a teenager saved me and gave me something valuable. Even if the church is full of crap.

[Imwashingmypirate]

One thing about losing my mom is that she was like air and water to me. She had always been there in my life and, despite being a mother of many children, she never let me down when I needed her.

There’s another layer to it, though. She did so much invisibly that her absence now has been that much more of a shock.

Mom had the obvious responsibilities, like the shopping, meals, and housework. But what she also gave us was curiousity about the world, empathy for others and ourselves, and a voice always ready to sing. At church, she was a teacher and hymn conductor, but also she could really see people with an uncanny ability to understand and love them.

I grew up with an LDS mother who was always the helper but never the owner of the work. She kept the house together but Dad had the final word. She made beautiful programs and lessons happen at church, but priesthood leaders had to approve it all, in one way or another.

I wish I could have seen my mom come into her own more, be herself more without a thought to others, speak her opinions more, seek her own happiness more.

She did each of those things to varying degrees, I think, but, if I outlined each with borders, then I’d see they are borders I am now crossing in my own life. And therefore, where I am is the frontier to me. I suppose it’s a universal truth that all children get to these frontiers where there is no path worn by their parents.

But the church never taught me how to be part of a complete family without a father at its head. Yet, here I am. It never taught me how to be the full-time caregiver who also worked. Instead, I grew up an expert at compromise, submission, and obedience. Mom was my model. But now I have to figure out how to make unilateral decisions, know my priorities, and make the rules myself.

I would very much have liked to tell her all about this frontier and have her hold my hand as we walked it together. I would have liked to see her laugh at it, get angry about it, maybe even lecture about it.

I say I would like it, but that’s the worst part. I don’t know if I ever would have grown enough to appreciate all that before she died. As she was, she was my air and water, remember?

However, I try to imagine my children in my shoes after I’m gone, wishing I had been fully me, and then I can be brave now.

And that’s when I realize that, actually, that invisibility is two-directional. Just like a small child not understanding, I didn’t see, and sometimes she knew I didn’t see when I needed to see. And just like all of us, sometimes she didn’t see either, and sometimes she didn’t know.

But that didn’t stop her love.

I had to leave an abusive marriage that tore my world apart. The courage to leave came from one foundational principle: I am of worth.

The Young Women’s motto I repeated every Sunday offered this to me in theory, but my mother’s consistent care made it real. She was my sounding-board and comfort.

Our last phone conversation was a video call. I could see the tubes helping her breathe. Her words were careful, given with effort. I could sense her pain and exhaustion. But she was happy to speak to me, and she reiterated one final time in support: you deserve better. You. Are. A. Person.

It has been difficult since her passing. Beyond her absence, there has been one crisis after another in my life. And yet we had so many conversations that I can still almost converse with her now. I can anticipate what she would say, and I know how she would make me feel.

How can a mother say things when her children are not ready to hear? She says them over and over but in a million ways, so that, when she’s gone and they’re ready, their memories of her carry them forward in time, beyond who she was, until they finally hear her and can be brave.

This my mother did.

https://sistersquorum.com/2024/03/04/th ... #more-1747

This is a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing. Don't beat yourself up. It sounds like you have a beautiful relationship with your mum even if you are walking down a different path. And regardless of your belief differences, she's still your mum and it's clear she still taught you with love and respect and all of those things are transferable into your life outside of the church.

And maybe she was happy even though men created boundaries for her. Some people like having boundaries.

She was capable of extending that love and those lessons even within that dynamic. (And that sense of her being bound by men and having to have things checked over probably looks worse from your perspective that from hers.)

Well done for getting out of the abuse and you aren't alone. Her lessons are with you. You've got this.

[Marcus]

But not in reality. The LDS church does NOT teach that women, in and of themselves, are of worth. As harsh as this may seem, it is only when mothers LEAVE the LDS church, and THEN tell their daughters that they are of worth, that this message will have meaning.

I consider it my single most important accomplishment of my life that my children live their lives in freedom and peace, and are not weighed down by the shackles of LDS culthood. I have changed the path of 8 generations. The process of leaving took its toll on my life, but my children are free.

Bit harsh...

Really? Well, ymmv. I'm glad my children weren't raised in a setting that inherently devalues women, and teaches utter balderdash to all. Their generation is on a completely different path that has allowed them, male and female alike, to develop and grow, unencumbered by the insupportable Mormon beliefs. There are plenty of good churches that could have given you the shelter you needed as a youth, without the indoctrination of women's worth as less than men's. I'm glad it helped you at a bad time, but raising daughters in an environment that tells them they are inherently limited and less valued was not for me.

[Imwashingmypirate]

Bit harsh...

Really? Well, ymmv. I'm glad my children weren't raised in a setting that inherently devalues women, and teaches utter balderdash to all. Their generation is on a completely different path that has allowed them, male and female alike, to develop and grow, unencumbered by the insupportable Mormon beliefs. There are plenty of good churches that could have given you the shelter you needed as a youth, without the indoctrination of women's worth as less than men's. I'm glad it helped you at a bad time, but raising daughters in an environment that tells them they are inherently limited and less valued was not for me.

YMMV?

They never taught like that at the ward I was in. It was like a family. I never felt less valued than males. But I can see if you analyse every detail then yeah you could come to that conclusion. But I never felt like I was less than. Maybe comparing to the family I grew up in, they were great. I attended multiple churches as a teen. I went to LDS church on Sundays, Tuesday for YW, every school morning for seminary. Then I'd go to the salvation army on a Sunday evening and a Thursday evening. I went to something called inspire at the church of England on a Friday evening. I also went to a Methodist church on a wednesday after school. So I kind of have a fair amount of church going experience. I also went to a predominantly Muslim secondary school so was taking all of that in too. White people were the minority there.

It is all perspective and experience. If all you know about the church is your experience within the ward and everything you join in on is run by women then those women are your leaders and your examples. There were women in the church that had plenty of say in the running of the ward.

But that is just my experience. Your experience is clearly different.

[Marcus]

Really? Well, ymmv. I'm glad my children weren't raised in a setting that inherently devalues women, and teaches utter balderdash to all. Their generation is on a completely different path that has allowed them, male and female alike, to develop and grow, unencumbered by the insupportable Mormon beliefs. There are plenty of good churches that could have given you the shelter you needed as a youth, without the indoctrination of women's worth as less than men's. I'm glad it helped you at a bad time, but raising daughters in an environment that tells them they are inherently limited and less valued was not for me.

YMMV?

They never taught like that at the ward I was in. It was like a family. I never felt less valued than males. But I can see if you analyse every detail then yeah you could come to that conclusion. But I never felt like I was less than. Maybe comparing to the family I grew up in, they were great. I attended multiple churches as a teen. I went to LDS church on Sundays, Tuesday for YW, every school morning for seminary. Then I'd go to the salvation army on a Sunday evening and a Thursday evening. I went to something called inspire at the church of England on a Friday evening. I also went to a Methodist church on a wednesday after school. So I kind of have a fair amount of church going experience. I also went to a predominantly Muslim secondary school so was taking all of that in too. White people were the minority there.

It is all perspective and experience. If all you know about the church is your experience within the ward and everything you join in on is run by women then those women are your leaders and your examples. There were women in the church that had plenty of say in the running of the ward.

But that is just my experience. Your experience is clearly different.

You are making statements about a religion based on your limited experience as a teenager in a difficult situation.

This is your perspective:

It is all perspective and experience. If all you know about the church is your experience within the ward and everything you join in on is run by women then those women are your leaders and your examples.

I'm glad you can see that your opinion on women's value in the lds church is based on the fact that all you know is what your personal experience as a teen showed you. My guess, based on a larger knowledge of the lds church processes, is that the women you looked up to weren't running anything, but were doing what the men in leadership roles told them they could. Please, educate yourself about women's roles in the lds church if you're going to continue to argue that it's only that when you "analyse every detail then yeah you could come to that conclusion."

Please.

I'm glad it helped you in your teen years, but it doesn't change the fact that women are not respected as equals to men in the lds church.

[Imwashingmypirate]

YMMV?

They never taught like that at the ward I was in. It was like a family. I never felt less valued than males. But I can see if you analyse every detail then yeah you could come to that conclusion. But I never felt like I was less than. Maybe comparing to the family I grew up in, they were great. I attended multiple churches as a teen. I went to LDS church on Sundays, Tuesday for YW, every school morning for seminary. Then I'd go to the salvation army on a Sunday evening and a Thursday evening. I went to something called inspire at the church of England on a Friday evening. I also went to a Methodist church on a wednesday after school. So I kind of have a fair amount of church going experience. I also went to a predominantly Muslim secondary school so was taking all of that in too. White people were the minority there.

It is all perspective and experience. If all you know about the church is your experience within the ward and everything you join in on is run by women then those women are your leaders and your examples. There were women in the church that had plenty of say in the running of the ward.

But that is just my experience. Your experience is clearly different.

You are making statements about a religion based on your limited experience as a teenager in a difficult situation.

This is your perspective:

It is all perspective and experience. If all you know about the church is your experience within the ward and everything you join in on is run by women then those women are your leaders and your examples.

I'm glad you can see that your opinion on women's value in the LDS church is based on the fact that all you know is what your personal experience as a teen showed you. My guess, based on a larger knowledge of the LDS church processes, is that the women you looked up to weren't running anything, but were doing what the men in leadership roles told them they could. Please, educate yourself about women's roles in the LDS church if you're going to continue to argue that it's only that when you "analyse every detail then yeah you could come to that conclusion."

Please.

I'm glad it helped you in your teen years, but it doesn't change the fact that women are not respected as equals to men in the LDS church.

Yes! I get what you are saying. And I'm not arguing that women aren't equal to men in the church... What I am saying is that the OP was sharing about her relationship with her mum and discussing from her own private life perspective and how she feels. And you've come steam rolling telling her she is wrong. When she isn't wrong. She isn't talking about the female injustice of the church leadership she's talking about her mum and what her mum taught her. We all know the church is patriarchal and racist. There is no denying that. But this thread isn't intended to debate and jump into that. It is just one person sharing her experience, her relationship and her love for her mum. Yes she touches on her mum being limited and men being above her but that isn't her message.

So it was harsh that you took one part and jumped on it without respecting the full essence of the blog.

Edit: I don't know what YMMV means.

I am not making statements about a religion. I am pointing out that the response to the OP was unnecessary.