Moving Forward....Taking that next step AFTER the venting

[_Sam Harris]

Hey Liz,

You speak the truth on all fronts, from Wades convoluted posting nature, to the fact that it is ultimately up to us to heal. It is true that nine times out of ten, those who harm you aren't going to lose sleep over it. I personally believe the reason why is because due to our nature (some call it sin, some call it just plain human nature), we don't realize just how much damage we cause sometimes. And when we do, it's hard to go back and admit you were wrong. The church as an organization, and its leaders are so drunk on their power, they don't see the damage they are causing.

When I was younger, my grandmother used to tell me to "just have faith" in response to my struggles. I couldn't understand that. But I see now that it was simply her method of explanation. Just sitting there and expecting God to pick up the pieces will give you nothing but a butt that has fallen asleep, in my opinion. For me, that "faith" was a long and very dynamic process.

I agree that a period of wallowing in one's victimhood is healthy. It's called grieving. You don't just grieve when someone dies, you grieve when any loss occurs. Be it loss of another human being to death, loss of another human being to spiritual or intellectual separation, loss of an ideal, loss of one's rights, loss of support structure, the list goes on. And the bottom line is, you can grieve a loss.

Hell yeah I wallowed in my victimhood. For a long time with regards to my family situation, and from the time I realized that the church was not for me, until they finally gave me that release letter. My "wallowing" was in essence letting my heart cry out to God over the injustice of what I went through, and allowing him to minister to me. If I hadn't said, "why God, why", I would have never gotten the answers I now have!

My grief allowed me to process some important truths:

-First of all, I'm da shiznit. As are you, whoever you are reading this. We're all unique and talented creations of God, and if someone or something has tried to take that truth away from you, holler. I did...and with regards to certain situations, I haven't shut up since, and it's done some good, because those around me who want to stay comfortably asleep in their negativity and generational curses hurled in my direction can no longer do that.

-Second of all, I am a good person. And I did not deserve to suffer at the hands of others.

-Thirdly, I have the right to know the truth about any situation in which I find myself.

-And lastly, I have the right to a happy and spiritually prosperous life.

When I didn't vent, like our quack physician Wade who really needs to heal his own self prescribes, I was seriously depressed and suicidal. Ten years of wanting to die, TEN YEARS. I started feeling that way when I was 12, and I didn't even know what the words depression and suicide meant. I was a cutter for a few years, I still bear those scars, and now I can barely swallow a pill due to all of my overdosing in my teens. Instead of telling my abusers how I felt, I held it all in and DAMN NEAR KILLED MYSELF!

And what a waste that would have been.

But we can move on from these things. In order to do that however, we have to get angry at the status quo. Those who object to this are usually those who are responsible for said anger, or at least involved in some way, shape, or form, and they don't want to face up to their part in what you are going through.

I vented. For many years, I vented. I prayed. I cried, I begged. And then I finally understood what it meant to have faith. So I exercised it by getting up each morning that I didn't want to, working slowly but surely towards what I wanted out of a better life. I isolated myself from those people and situations that posed a threat to my health, and I continue to remind myself of my worth as a human being.

I see nothing wrong with expressing anger. I see something wrong with holding it in, and I see something wrong with dying in anger. But grief...no, there's nothing wrong with that. Some things I'm still mad about...like being emotionally and psychologically orphaned as a child...but I battle that anger with my will to do and be better than those who came before me.

[_Sam Harris]

For me, what helped me move on was making decisions and sticking to them. My family kept trying to renegotiate things, so one moment they were OK with where I was, and the next they weren't. So we kept having the same crises and arguments. I finally stood up for myself and said that I was who I am and that it was up to them to deal with that reality.

Best thing I ever did.

Can I get an AMEN from the congregation?

My family does this too. And a certain LDS friend of mine does this as well. But I just press the mute button these days...

[_Sam Harris]

One of the reasons people get so stuck on vent-mode is because it's impossible to get un-stuck if everyone you care about is still entangled. If the 'stuck' ones were all free from family, work, social, and cultural entanglements, maybe it wouldn't be so hard to move on. As it is, the constant reminders are excruiatingly painful for some of these people. Finding the balance requires compromise from all sides, and we all know how much TBM's like to compromise. It's not always that the 'stuck' ones aren't moving on; it's that the TBM's in their lives won't let them move on.

So the question becomes: how do people who have successfully moved on get out of the entanglements? Do they ditch their spouses and their families? Change jobs? Move? How do they get their TBM entanglements to compromise?

Harmony, you've touched on the heart of the situation between those who have left the church and those they love who are still in the church.

The first time I went inactive, I found out who my true LDS family was. I have three friends who are still in my life, out of all the people who talked out their necks and told me how sweet I was. Now there may be one more, but I've been trying to contact her for months, and she has ignored me ever since I removed myself from an LDS website. When she was here visiting, I missed church and she accused me of standing up the Lord. So she's on probation.

My other friends love me as I am. One of them is SLC born and bred, she's Mormon to the core. But that is my sister, as far as I'm concered, she's blood, it doesn't matter that she's white, blond haired and blue-eyed, and I'm black, blond haired, and brown eyed. *laughs* She is my heart, and I feel that if more LDS were like her, devout, yet respectful, the church wouldn't be in the cultural conundrum it's in.

I know people who have LDS family, and I just ache at times when I hear their stories. Family, no matter how dysfunctional is still family. My family gets on my last nerve...but they're still family.

Even if you walk away from family, your heart is almost always still there. That bond is a lifetime bond, so how do you just turn off your feelings when related to people who are in a situation (and possibly happily so) that has damaged you?

THANK YOU for bringing this up. I hope the TBMs are reading.

[_OUT OF MY MISERY]

Hey Liz,

You speak the truth on all fronts, from Wades convoluted posting nature, to the fact that it is ultimately up to us to heal. It is true that nine times out of ten, those who harm you aren't going to lose sleep over it. I personally believe the reason why is because due to our nature (some call it sin, some call it just plain human nature), we don't realize just how much damage we cause sometimes. And when we do, it's hard to go back and admit you were wrong. The church as an organization, and its leaders are so drunk on their power, they don't see the damage they are causing.

When I was younger, my grandmother used to tell me to "just have faith" in response to my struggles. I couldn't understand that. But I see now that it was simply her method of explanation. Just sitting there and expecting God to pick up the pieces will give you nothing but a butt that has fallen asleep, in my opinion. For me, that "faith" was a long and very dynamic process.

I agree that a period of wallowing in one's victimhood is healthy. It's called grieving. You don't just grieve when someone dies, you grieve when any loss occurs. Be it loss of another human being to death, loss of another human being to spiritual or intellectual separation, loss of an ideal, loss of one's rights, loss of support structure, the list goes on. And the bottom line is, you can grieve a loss.

Hell yeah I wallowed in my victimhood. For a long time with regards to my family situation, and from the time I realized that the church was not for me, until they finally gave me that release letter. My "wallowing" was in essence letting my heart cry out to God over the injustice of what I went through, and allowing him to minister to me. If I hadn't said, "why God, why", I would have never gotten the answers I now have!

My grief allowed me to process some important truths:

-First of all, I'm da shiznit. As are you, whoever you are reading this. We're all unique and talented creations of God, and if someone or something has tried to take that truth away from you, holler. I did...and with regards to certain situations, I haven't shut up since, and it's done some good, because those around me who want to stay comfortably asleep in their negativity and generational curses hurled in my direction can no longer do that.

-Second of all, I am a good person. And I did not deserve to suffer at the hands of others.

-Thirdly, I have the right to know the truth about any situation in which I find myself.

-And lastly, I have the right to a happy and spiritually prosperous life.

When I didn't vent, like our quack physician Wade who really needs to heal his own self prescribes, I was seriously depressed and suicidal. Ten years of wanting to die, TEN YEARS. I started feeling that way when I was 12, and I didn't even know what the words depression and suicide meant. I was a cutter for a few years, I still bear those scars, and now I can barely swallow a pill due to all of my overdosing in my teens. Instead of telling my abusers how I felt, I held it all in and DAMN NEAR KILLED MYSELF!

And what a waste that would have been.

But we can move on from these things. In order to do that however, we have to get angry at the status quo. Those who object to this are usually those who are responsible for said anger, or at least involved in some way, shape, or form, and they don't want to face up to their part in what you are going through.

I vented. For many years, I vented. I prayed. I cried, I begged. And then I finally understood what it meant to have faith. So I exercised it by getting up each morning that I didn't want to, working slowly but surely towards what I wanted out of a better life. I isolated myself from those people and situations that posed a threat to my health, and I continue to remind myself of my worth as a human being.

I see nothing wrong with expressing anger. I see something wrong with holding it in, and I see something wrong with dying in anger. But grief...no, there's nothing wrong with that. Some things I'm still mad about...like being emotionally and psychologically orphaned as a child...but I battle that anger with my will to do and be better than those who came before me.

Right now I am grieving over many things...especially the lose of my family that I thought loved and cared about me....I have finally had it hit me in the face about a month ago that they value my TBM sister and her family more they have ever, and I mean ever valued me and me non-TBM family....that is a very hard to to come to grips with...

Well I had a melt down...when everything hit me......I am now grieving over my loss...because my parents not only turned their backs on me but their three beautiful grandsons....that is what hurts the most...I can deal with the rejection

But why should they...they have done nothing wrong....

My parents...welll they are a different story for a different time

[_Sam Harris]

Hey there,

When you're ready to talk, I'm sure many here will be ready to listen. Myself included. The rejection of a parent is no joke. I'm sorry you're going through that. And it is sad, that they are missing out on your "treasures" (your kids).

Grieve. Don't let folks tell you that you shouldn't. Seek the support you need. I'm sure folks here would be happy to lend a listening "ear" (well, eye...).

[_Ray A]

I think it would be very beneficial to exchange ideas on how to move forward.

One way to move forward is to use the medium of writing as a catalyst, or a cleanser of the soul. Some have suggested that Fawn Brodie's No Man Knows My History was her way of "exorcising" Mormonism. I think there's less to be gained by going on boards and crassly venting. Everyone is different. I saw my old friend Theo on RFM last time I checked a few days ago. Anyone who knows Theo will have had at least 20 new cuss words added to their vocabulary by reading his vents. I actually enjoy reading his vents because they are funny. He has in fact moved on and seems to be enjoying his life. But I think the best form of "therapy", whether it be recovering from divorce, or leaving the church, is to write out your story, with little acrimony if possible. After divorce this is what I did, and I shared it with some friends, and I didn't have to tell the whole world, but writing out my thoughts and feelings as honestly as I could was very therapeutic. You might call it "quiet venting", and it enabled me to see not only my perspective better, but my ex-wife's as well. As they say, there are two sides to every story, and to give whole or disproportionate blame to one party is never wise. There's another, introspective way of looking at life, as expressed in the Mike and the Mechanics song "The Living Years":

Every generation
Blames the one before
And all of their frustrations
Come beating on your door

I know that I'm a prisoner
To all my father held so dear
I know that I'm a hostage
To all his hopes and fears
I just wish I could have told him
In the living years

Crumpled bits of paper
Filled with imperfect thought
Stilted conversations
I'm afraid that's all we've got

You say you just don't see it
He says it's perfect sense
You just can't get agreement
In this present tense
We all talk a different language
Talking in defence

Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye

So we open up a quarrel
Between the present and the past
We only sacrifice the future
It's the bitterness that lasts

So don't yield to the fortunes
You sometimes see as fate
It may have a new perspective
On a different day
And if you don't give up,
And don't give in
You may just be OK

I think learning to look at life and its misfortunes philosophically is a good way to be. After all, we go to bed with all of our cares, problems, and anger, and somewhere else someone is sleeping in the street. Remember Bill Gates saying, "Life is not fair. Get over it."