GIMR wrote:jayneedoe wrote:liz3564 wrote:One thing that your sister said in her blog that really does stand out, and I agree with is this:
"I do believe that I am responsible for my response to my life. "
Hi Liz,
I quoted this because I wanted to clear up a misunderstanding I think I created.
I don't disagre with my sister here. And I want you to know she does, for the most part, live her life this way.
It just seemed, to me, that it was hypocritical because she wrote this mere days after she stuck her finger in my face and told me I was responsible for her abandonment issues. She literally did and said that.
In other words, how she chooses to respond to her abandonment issues is to blame me because I wasn't there when she had to spend the night alone in a boat. I wasn't there because my parents kicked me out of the house.
I can't tell you how hurtful this was to me. I know, I know. I can't be hurt unless I choose to be hurt.
I'm sorry--I don't buy that. It just f****** hurts. I'll deal with it and go on. But it really hurts.
Jaynee
Jaynee,
Goodness, your story is such a testament to human strength. To say "I'm sorry for what you went through" is not enough, though many do say this. I wish I could express more. I too am glad that you want to live, and I can empathize with feeling suicidal, though like you, I no longer feel that way.
Just like you feel that there are far more out there who will suffer more than you, I feel the same way, and your situation might well have done me in. Your strength and wisdom in the aftermath of what you have been through is amazing.
With regards to your sister, I understand how you feel about her blaming you for her abandonment issues. My mom blames me for her failure to go to college, hence stunting her life. I could continue to blame her for where I am now, but even though she ticks me off, she's not the reason I am where I am in life.
Our childhoods and early lives do shape us, but there comes a point in every person's life, and it comes at a different time for everyone, that we have to take responsibility for our futures. Despite your trials, you have done this. That is wonderful. It is also a sign of integrity that despite your trials with your mother, you can still see good in her. I am just beginning such a journey with my mother, and you are a wonderful example.
Like others here, I don't believe that God sends trials in the traditional sense of the word, you know, Job-like. I believe that we humans are victims of each other's free choice. Sadly, we get acted upon often in this life. I think that God weeps with us. Though at times I struggle with him not taking the choice to harm away from others.
You seem to be a very forgiving and understanding person. And I think you have every right to feel outraged at your sister's blaming you. You were a child like she was, and hopefully in time she will realize that.
How are you feeling lately?
Hi GIIMR,
Thanks for asking about me. :)
It's very up and down. The thought of suicide has lingered around me for so long, and it's still there, but I try not to let it stay.
I was able to talk to a friend today, and she mentioned how resilient I've been, and I realized she'd really picked a great word to describe me. But my resiliency has become brittle, and I've broken.
So, I'm trying to find a way to bring that resiliency back.
I have a hard time understanding my sister's blaming me for stuff; I cannot comprehend at all how your mother can possibly blame YOU for ANYTHING! It's YOUR fault she didn't go to school?!? Now I've heard everything.
Kudos to you my friend. If you get through that you are a better person than I.
Thanks again for asking, and thanks for understanding how painful, and yes infuriating, this is.
Jaynee