I will try not to offend!

[_David A. Bednar]

Elder Bednar, I think you're the cutest of all the apostles, barring that hunky Uchtdorf. His silky silver hair just drives me wild.

You look a bit tense. Perhaps your chubby secretary could loosen you up a little and burn a few calories at the same time? It would be an act of service for both of you.

Kimberly Ann

To my dear and sweet sister, KimberlyAnn,

I as always appreciate the fine support of my fellow brothers and sisters. I should mention here that Elder Uchtdorf's secretary has fallen ill suddenly. He is looking for a nice secretary, one with the spirit and willingness to obey. By any chance, are you looking for a job?

Clearly, you have typing skills. All we ask is that you start wearing clothes that match the image necessary for one of the Apostle's secretaries. If you were you to cover your shoulders and dress modestly, I think you would be a "shoe-in" for the job. What do you think?

Of course, if that position has already been filled before you have a chance to groom your resume, then perhaps you might be interested in coming to work for me? I will be soon passing on my secretary to the next apostle. Sadly, some of our Quorum brethren are soon to leave their mortal coils and move on to their next estate. Many positions are soon to be open here in the Quorum.

There is also, aside from the generous salary and benefits, a panty hose allowance. Think about it! You would be a perfect addition to our close-knit family here in the COB.

Anticipating your acceptance, with purity of heart and mind, your brother in the harness,

Elder David A. Bednar

Dear Brother Bedme, oops! I mean Bednar,

Although I'm not really looking for a job and I'm not very obedient, the many positions and harness do appeal to me. I don't wear pantyhose, but I do wear panties, (ususally), and as you can see, I've covered my shoulders for you.

Now, if you'd tell me a little about your pickle, I might just be persuaded to pay you a personal visit.

Yearning for your reply,

Kimberly Ann

To my yearning and dear sister KimberlyAnn,

Don't fret over a mistake with my name. You aren't the first, and certainly won't be the last. I've heard them all: Bedpost, Bedsheets, Bed-ton, Bedher, and now Bedme. They all work.

I do appreciate your quick reply. That is surely a sign of an efficient secretary. Your other deficiencies, of which you mention, can certainly be remedied, in one way or another, through the guiding hand of the Lord.

I wonder how we might persuade you back into the job market?

About pickles: All believing members, striving for exaltation, are in the process of moving from cucumber to pickle. That is the grand plan of our Lord. Of course, being fully pickled and sanctified, occurs only on the Lord's timetable, of which no one, even an apostle, knows the hour or season.

Please come for a visit. My offer, as to the others on this board, to visit the Vault, is open to you. If one can't feel the Spirit inside the Vault, then one can't feel the Spirit anywhere, in my estimation.

Awaiting your reply and yea, still in the harness, your humble brother in the service of the Lord, Elder David A. Bednar

[_David A. Bednar]

Elder Bednar,

I think I can even arrange a meeting with some of the other Apostles in the building

Indeed! I would be delighted to attend. Shall we use your office or mine? In either case, I suggest we have a couple of chairs readied of the same construction as the one our dear sister will sit in. We can place them to the side of the desk, yours or mine as we decide, and sit in them together and feast upon the words of Christ with our dear sister in an equal-looking relationship. In this arrangement, I hope to circumvent the intimidation that many have experienced separated from us by our large wooden desks during personal meetings. And I know that your comfortable leather chair...where did you get that? Was that David O. Mckay's chair? Anyway, when you swing slightly to the side, revealing the ample girth of your chair's rugged leather, it can come accross as overbearing for many of our young people. Especially for our lovely young sisters who are already intimidated by your position, clean white shirt, and handsome demeaner.

Isn't it interesting how the Lord has changed things in his due course? He must have a sense of irony, or humor. For not long ago the elder servants of the Lord, uneducated older men with gnarled faces had the young sisters lined up before them in order to carry out the Lord's purposes of procreation. A sacrafice it must have been for those sisters, a glorious sacrafice, but a sacrafice none the less! And now today, the Lord is grooming men of education, eloquence, and striking good looks to take the helm. And yet, you will know but a single woman in all your mortal years. How many of todays young women would stand in line and volunteer themselves as your wives? Yet, it will not be. A sacrafice for them no doubt! If only you could change places with Heber C. Kimball, how much happier for everyone (except Brother Heber of course!). But obedience is the first law of heaven, and sacrafice we must.

Finally, don't worry too much about our senior Elder who has given you some harsh words. You will only grow stronger. Anyway, if you still are saddened over this situation, just remember "who's next" if you know what I mean. I am well please with your work.

In the service of our God,

Your fellow Apostle.

Dear brother Tommy,

I must thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind and reassuring thoughts during this awkward time, where I feel I have not been living up to my abilities. The Lord is truly a tough paymaster, but I will continue to the best of my abilities knowing you are behind me, and that Elder Packer is behind you.

I, of course, being the junior apostle, would be happy to follow your lead in making the seating arrangements for our visit. I think you have put forth a superb plan for such arrangement. Any other adjustments can be determined on the spot as needed.

About that great and comfortable leather chair of mine: Actually, I found that in the storage room on the 14th floor, next to the Vault. If I recall, Church Security told me that it had been George P. Lee's chair before his great and terrible fall from grace and that no one desired it anymore. Since I am of a different tribe than former Brother Lee, I felt that his sins and the sins of his fathers were of no concern to me. So, I took advantage of not having to buy one for myself out of my secretary's panty hose allowance.

I think Brother Packer had wanted to burn it, so please never inform him from where I nabbed it, so to speak.

About the manifesto: I can go along with the (wink, wink)) denial in public concerning this grand, celestial principle of marriage. We really have them fooled, don't we? But, it is right in the scriptures, for heaven's sakes. What could people be thinking? Thank the Lord that the principle of celestial marriage has never left the Church. I truly am grateful that it remains on the earth to this day. I am only sorry that we, like Brother Joseph before, must keep it so secret, even from our first wife. But, I know that the Lord approves of our secrecy in order for the great work to go forward.

Once again, I look forward to meeting with you and our dear sisters, in my office, at your convenience.

Your brother, as always, steadfast in the harness of the gospel,

Elder David A. Bednar

[_harmony]

Here we have proof that I am a prophet: I was the Pickle before anyone else! And a great Dill Pickle I was, complete with a Sweet Pickle spouse, and assorted Pickle children, Baby Dill, Baby Sweet, Beet, Watermelon, Bread & Butter, Green Bean, Asparagus, and the very rare Radish. We call her Kim for short.

[_marg]

I am a little troubled by your reference to religion, Marg, as nonsense. Now, that is nonsense! If President McKay can believe that his favorite horse will be celestialised, then certainly it is not much more of a stretch to consider celestial skiing on Kolob, now is it? It sure seems logical to me.

Thanks for illustrating my point so well David. Yes of course there are no limits to what might occur after death if one believes in such things. The afterlife, since no one has any evidence for it, is only limited to either one's imagination or if one relies upon religious authority or sacred texts as many people do, then limited to what those say.

My daughter in highschool had a group of very religious (baptist) friends and one time she told me she envied them that they truly believed in an afterlife. So I told her yes I can understand that, but it's not a very interesting afterlife. And I pointed out to her, that actually they have it all wrong, that there is an afterlife but it includes lots of snowboarding and all the funs things one can do on earth. I see you actually have those beliefs. Well she didn't believe me. As she pointed out, a person can not be forced to believe anything they simply don't believe.

So I see your imagination is working superbly well. Sure it is nonsense that skiing might exist on Kolob in the afterlife, but like you say, why not? If one is going to believe, why not have the best beliefs possible. If McKay can imagine a horse why shouldn't you and everyone else be able to imagine what you want. And I agree. So what, you have a few insane beliefs, if it makes you happy, it's a good thing. And as Aguinas says...anything which is "good" is of God. It all connects, into one grand glorious fantasy. It's a pity for the poor kids who once believed in Santa, and had their fantasy ruined by parents and friends who spoiled it by telling them the truth.


And least religious groups don't spoil it for their followers, no matter how wild and crazy their ideas. And even when science with evidence makes it obvious that their stories, like the Mormon's one of American indians are descendents of Jews is wrong, it doesn't faze or deter them in the least. They stick with those stories against all odds. So there is something to be said for those who refuse to spoil people's fantasies. Why not let people remain "high" on their beliefs. Oh I forgot, for Mormon's it costs 10 % of their earnings, if they want to ever get to their imaginary "pie in the sky, bye and bye." That's too bad.

Your constant disparaging of religion and its sure and strong (not to mention logical, as well) underpinnings is disheartening. Please come down to the office and have a talk with me. I think I can even arrange a meeting with some of the other Apostles in the building. Tommy, I am sure would love to sit in. Elder Packer seems a little distraught with me right now, but I am sure in a couple of days he will cool off. If you bring a six-pack of Pepsi (in a brown paper bag, of course), I'm sure Tommy would be mightily pleased.

If you lived within easy travel distance I would. Thanks for the offer just the same.

[_KimberlyAnn]

Your other deficiencies, of which you mention, can certainly be remedied, in one way or another, through the guiding hand of the Lord.[/quote]


Brother Bednar, I don't think my bare legs are a deficiency, and I don't require the guiding hand of the Lord, though I might appreciate your, um, guiding hand.


I wonder how we might persuade you back into the job market? [/quote]


Tell me Elder Bedme, uh, Benar, how do you feel about cupcake licking? I will need to know the answer to this important question before I can possibly be persuaded back into the job market.


Please come for a visit. My offer, as to the others on this board, to visit the Vault, is open to you. If one can't feel the Spirit inside the Vault, then one can't feel the Spirit anywhere, in my estimation. [/quote]


I'll visit your vault if you visit mine.


Awaiting your reply and yea, still in the harness, your humble brother in the service of the Lord, Elder David A. Bednar[/quote]


I bet you're even cuter in the harness, Brother David Bednar.

KA

[_David A. Bednar]

Here we have proof that I am a prophet: I was the Pickle before anyone else! And a great Dill Pickle I was, complete with a Sweet Pickle spouse, and assorted Pickle children, Baby Dill, Baby Sweet, Beet, Watermelon, Bread & Butter, Green Bean, Asparagus, and the very rare Radish. We call her Kim for short.

My dear sister, Harmony (my, I love that name!),

You have hit on one of the great truths of the Gospel, that anyone can be a Prophet, if they but live faithfully and stay close to their dear families, as you have done. You are to be commended.

Please accept and pass on my warmest greetings to all the dear pickles in your family. They sound like a great bunch.

Your brother in the harness, Elder David A. Bednar

[_David A. Bednar]

My dear Marg, you wrote, among other things offensive to the Spirit:

And least religious groups don't spoil it for their followers, no matter how wild and crazy their ideas. And even when science with evidence makes it obvious that their stories, like the Mormon's one of American indians are descendents of Jews is wrong, it doesn't faze or deter them in the least. They stick with those stories against all odds. So there is something to be said for those who refuse to spoil people's fantasies. Why not let people remain "high" on their beliefs. Oh I forgot, for Mormon's it costs 10 % of their earnings, if they want to ever get to their imaginary "pie in the sky, bye and bye." That's too bad.

Marg, why wouldn't someone be willing to pay a mere 10%, or even more (which many of our better Saints do, by the way) to have such a celestial reward? Skiing on Kolob in the morning while the sun is hitting the slopes and then fly fishing in the evenings while it is warm and the bugs are out and the big browns are rising for their late evening meal. Now, that sounds like heaven to me! I would consecrate all I have (indeed, I have done so) to live such a celestial existence.

And, you, my dear sister, choose to argue with faux theologians and refuse to repent and believe what you know in your heart of hearts to be true, namely, that all good comes from God. This is self-evident. If you begin to pay a full-tithe and commit to living in righteousness, you, too, can know with a surety that comes only from a witness of the Spirit that there truly is such a celestial place awaiting you and your dear daughter, if you but make the minimal effort. See what you can do to find that Spirit in your life once again.

Your concerned brother in the gospel harness, Elder David A. Bednar.

[_marg]

Marg, why wouldn't someone be willing to pay a mere 10%, or even more (which many of our better Saints do, by the way) to have such a celestial reward? Skiing on Kolob in the morning while the sun is hitting the slopes and then fly fishing in the evenings while it is warm and the bugs are out and the big browns are rising for their late evening meal. Now, that sounds like heaven to me! I would consecrate all I have (indeed, I have done so) to live such a celestial existence.

I guess I'm just a practical individual who stays clear of high risk investments which are unlikely to yield a good return if at all or costly purchases based on speculation and no guarantees except by the salespeople.

If God wants 10% of family income, he/she/it has to speak to me and not go through any intermediary.

And I have no intentions of working hard at getting a God to speak to me. If he does fine, if he doesn't that also fine.

If a God exists and he/she/it has any intelligence it's not going to care what I believe.

This is self-evident. If you begin to pay a full-tithe and commit to living in righteousness, you, too, can know with a surety that comes only from a witness of the Spirit that there truly is such a celestial place awaiting you and your dear daughter, if you but make the minimal effort. See what you can do to find that Spirit in your life once again.

No I don't see why effort is required. If God is a powerful entity, it would make it easy not hard to know of it's existence.

Your concerned brother in the gospel harness, Elder David A. Bednar.

I too have concern for people with families who need money, yet obediently pay tithes to a multi billion dollar asset rich institution which doesn't.

by the way, I noticed you quoted from one of your wife's speech's at BYU, I think from 2001.

I was reading the speech and noticed she made some good points. It's not fair that women at BYU dress immodestly and force men to hum hymns throughout the day in order to take their minds off these women wearing tight short navel revealing tops and tight pants and that humming would be quite bothersome to others.

But she said the following "We live in an evil world. Satan is alive and well in the fashion industry."

I hope you don't mind me speaking frankly, but I have a feeling if Satan is alive and well, he must be alive in some religious groups as well, because they all makes claims which differ to one another. So only one of them can be telling the truth. Therefore the rest must be controlled by Satan. If I were to guess I think Satan would be alive and well in those religious groups which are persistently wanting more money, year after year, and yet it's quite obvious they don't need it but are using it for business ventures, like buying malls, real estate, stock market, hotels and other business ventures. And a tip off as well would be that Satan would likely not want to reveal how much money he's getting either, so those churches which keep that information from their members is likely controlled by him..