Mormon Discussions and Covenants

[Guest]

Section 157

Revelation given to Mormon Discussions 13 February 2013. Some members of the board were struggling at this time to understand the will of the Lord. It had been a month since He last revealed His word to the board. This apparent silence, together with the presence of Droopy and the temporary return of stemelbow, had caused some board members to wonder if the Lord was angry and was punishing the board. After the faithful prayers of a few board members, this revelation followed.

1-4, the Lord sees you, and you see him; 5-8, the Lord gets lost in thought again; 9-16, the inconvenience of all of your words having to be true when you are God; 17-22, reply hazy, try again later; 23-28, the Lord shows himself in ways best suited to our understanding; 29, raptors share in the oath and covenant of the priesthood; 30-35, the Lord is about to break out, break out, He is like a crook tonight.

1. Hearken, ye people of this, my message board,
2. For I, the Lord, have heard thy prayers, for all things are present before mine eyes,
3. Yea, ye cannot escape my private eyes, they are watching thee,
4. They see thine every move,
5. Yea, and mine eyes have heard my servant Brad Hudson, who hath wondered betimes whether I, the Lord, am offended at the blasphemies of The Mighty Builder,
6. Nevertheless, The Mighty Builder was sealed by the holy spirit of promise to an eternal help meet in mine house, which house was extremely costly according to the reckoning of dollars,
7. For nothing is too good for me, saith the Lord of Hosts, nor too expensive,
8. Verily, as my handmaiden Deborah did observe, it is for this purpose that I did cause my mall, yea, mine holy mall, to be built, that all manner of expensive fripperies should be available for my shopping pleasure when I return to this earth which I have created,
9. But behold, notwithstanding that I, the Lord, have gotten off on a tangent, I, the Lord, did indicate in the book of Doctrine and Covenants, that if a man be sealed to a woman by the holy spirit of promise, and shall not deny the Holy Ghost, nor shed innocent blood, then they may commit all manner of blasphemies, and yet still enter into their exaltation,
10. Wherefore, what can I, the Lord, do? For I have said that I am bound when ye do what I say, and he, even The Mighty Builder, did what I said, wherefore I am stuck, for all my words shall come to pass, lest I cease to be God,
11. And this has been extraordinarily inconvenient at times, even as when I told my servant Noah that if he built a mighty ark out of gopher wood, and put two of every animal in it, that I would save him and his family from the flood,
12. For I, the Lord, had intended to drown everyone and start over from scratch; yea, I never thought he would really do it,
13. Verily, I, the Lord, do not even know what gopher wood is,
14. Nevertheless he did do it, and did somehow manage to get polar bears, kangaroos, and elephants all on the same ark, notwithstanding that Noah did live in the American Midwest,
15. Wherefore, because he did what I said, I was compelled to save him, and also his family members; even his daughter in law, Egyptus, who gave her name to the land of Egypt, and also her husband Ham, who gave his name to pork products, and their grandson Pharaoh, who gave his name to the kings of Egypt,
16. And thus I, the Lord, have learned from sad experience to be more circumspect about what I promise in return for the commandments I give from time to time just to see if people shall do them, yea, for mine holy amusement,
17. And now I speak unto my servant Uther, who has asked all manner of questions regarding the new and everlasting covenant of plural marriage,
18. Yea, thou hast asked when I shall reveal more concerning my laws as they pertain to marriage,
19. But behold, these matters concerning marriage are even now in dispute, wherefore, it is not expedient that I, the Lord, shall reveal more eternal truths concerning this matter until such time as it can be determined what shall end up being socially acceptable,
20. And then at that time shall I reveal these things to my living prophet, even.....
21. .....
22. Thomas S. Monson! Yea, I, the Lord, knew I had that written down here somewhere.
23. And unto my servant Molok, who hath wondered whether I have appeared unto Tobin,
24. Verily, my servant Molok, I tell thee that I, the Lord, speak unto men in the way that they may best understand, in their weakness,
25. Unto some, I appear in a pillar of light, and unto others, with an elephant head and six arms,
26. To some do I shew mine image on a tortilla, or a tree, or the side of a mountain,
27. And unto some I reveal myself through reruns of Star Trek,
28. Wherefore, be wise as a serpent, my servant Molok, for I may appear to thee at any time, and whether it be descending from the clouds, or in a dream, or in a box of cereal, it shall be in such way as is expedient for thee,
29. And to my servant Falcon A, I say unto thee that notwithstanding reverse female dimorphism, the priesthood shall be passed from father falcon to son falcon, by the laying on of talons, and females shall be an help meet unto thee, for their place is in the nest,
30. And to all ye people of this, my board, prepare ye, prepare ye, for no man knoweth the day or the hour of my coming,
31. Notwithstanding that ye have one chance of seven in just guessing, and also one chance in twenty four of guessing what hour,
32. For I shall come a a thief in the night, yea, a trump shall sound, and all people in heaven and earth shall hear it and know that I am come, which thing is in no way consistent with saying that I shall come like a thief in the night,
33. Nevertheless, ready or not, here I come,
34. Where are you at, the night is young,
35. In the crowd the music is loud, but I shall find you. Amen.

[_Sethbag]

You heard it here first, folks.

That Mormon Jesus, he's such a card.

[_ControlFreak]

OMMJ! This thread is awesome. Why isn't it pinned or something? I've been reading this board for a while and never knew about it.

[_Gadianton]

best one yet, sheer genius.

[_Cicero]

best one yet, sheer genius.

+1

I am in tears from laughing so hard.

[_cwald]

Christ Christ! The Interpreter and MAD board is in turmoil, absolute implosion eminent....and you don't have any advice, or revelation or direction for your people concerning this most important matter? Still woried about things like white shirts and multiple earrings? What are you, a Mormon Jesus? Oh. Yeah. Never mind.

Ahhh. “F” it.

[_ludwigm]

What are you, a Mormon Jesus? Oh. Yeah. Never mind.

Ahhh. f*** it.

Do You play celestial roulette?

Standing in a circle? Chorusing blasphemy?
Then waiting the thunderbolt?

[_cwald]

What are you, a Mormon Jesus? Oh. Yeah. Never mind.

Ahhh. f*** it.

Do You play celestial roulette?

Standing in a circle? Chorusing blasphemy?
Then waiting the thunderbolt?

Yeaaaaah. Ahhhh. Sorry about that Mormon Jesus.
I may or may not have been drinking too much tonight?

[_ludwigm]

drinking too much

I am sorry, I don't know this expression.

[_cwald]

drinking too much

I am sorry, I don't know this expression.

Please let me repent on my own terms.