Looking back, what would you have done differently?

[_Blixa]

Hard to answer because you change one thing and then ten other things wouldn't have happened: the old time travel conundrum, right?

I wish I had started having sex earlier and had much more of various kinds of it while younger. Oh, I've made up nicely for lost time in some ways, but in others ways this meant I was going through things at a later age than most---a kind of emotional immaturity I've only recently gotten past. Not the worst thing in the world, just wishing I'd appreciated my body more when it was younger and stronger.

And on that note, I wish to hell I'd taken up the offers of several old boyfriends who were mountian and rock climbers and gotten into that with them when I was young and strong. I'll never be a mountain climber now, not even if I get back in shape: I've got too many problems with hand strength and joint problems and other effects of aging. I'll never climb Everest, boo hoo (oh I know I actually could "climb" it for the right price---I know about the outfits that have sherpas drag anybody's rich ass up there, in the process endangering others and outright causing deaths---I know Everst, believe me. I've read every single book. I know the history, I know the topography, I know the lore and the trivia. I know people who've stood on the summit and all the different sides of the argument about Mallory's ascent).

I kind of wish I'd gone to medical school---both my brothers did, but I didn't even think about it as an option for myself, it never even crossed my mind, being a girl and not even expected to ever be in the position of supporting herself and all. I wanted to be an artist. But I knew that being able to actually accomplish that, to be able to support myself even, was chancey at best. So I went with my more or less second love, literature, something else I was good at and more importantly knew I could support myself with (as a college professor). My brain was all I had and that's the only option that seemed feasible to me. I paid my own way through college and grad school with scholarships and assistantships. I don't know if my parents would have forked out for it like they did my brother's medical school, being that I was a girl etc.---it never came to that, so I'll never know. I just went with being an English major because I knew I could do that without support from anyone else.

But, now I think about how f*ing fascinating medicine is, and how even more important and necessary such work is than the work I currently do, I wish I had a second life to devote to it. I imagine pure research or surgery, many different scenarios. I'd love to go to medical school right now. Of course no school will admit someone my age, and rightly so, probably.

Sometimes I wish I'd walked away from the departmental Xmas party the first year I was in a PhD program, driven to NYC and just been an artist. I thought it about that night, thought about how I already knew all that literary stuff, thought about how much I wanted to do something so much different. It would have been being in the right place at the right time for once: 80's NYC was the probably the last "easy" time to work as an artist---things were flush, things were happening, everybody was living in the same neighborhood. Its not like that now, that's for sure. But I stayed and later found different ideas, directions and connections with people that I hadn't forseen. Still. What could have been?

Such things are mostly stray daydreams not regrets. Things could have turned out a lot worse for me. I got out of Utah on my own, I supported myself, I even "made it:" I became the college professor I set out to be. That's more than the life Utah/'the church"/and my mother had pre-programmed for me. A hell of a lot more. So the balance is well on the plus side and I have no major regrets at all.

[_moksha]

KA, before you pine away too much from "what ifs", just remember that desire is the root of all suffering.

[_KimberlyAnn]

Your reflections are very poignant -- and perhaps there are many other Mormon women who married young who share your feelings.

If you don't mind my asking - what made you change your mind about the church?

ktall

Hi, Ktall.

To be completely honest, the time when I found out the church was a fraud is quite blurred in my mind. Some things stand out very clearly in my mind and some things don't, which is odd for me. I generally have a very good memory, so for me to have blurred remembrances of something so key in my life is strange.

I do know one of the first things to put a crack in my testimony was learning that Joseph Smith married other men's wives. That really disturbed me. I had known about his polygamy for a while, but not the extent of it. After learning that fact, I began to study D&C 132 more thoroughly, and it became clear to me that that revelation was most certainly not of God.

I knew if Joseph Smith would lie about one thing, he may have lied about other things. How could I believe anything he said? I began to look into other bits of church history and came to the conclusion that Joseph Smith lied and Mormonism was a fraud. That was a shock to my husband and we had a very tenuous relationship for a while, until he too determined the Mormon church to be not what it claims. We left the church together along with our four daughters.

I hope that answers your question sufficiently, if not as well as I'd like.

KA

[_truth dancer]

I would have given my tithing money to an organization that helped children and those in need.

I would have spent the time repeatedly rereading the Book of Mormon and other scripture on expanding my understanding of other ideas, belief systems, and perspectives.

I would have used the time and energy I devoted to church callings and meetings, to better care for my loved ones (and myself), and in service towards things I feel are beneficial to the world.

~dancer~

[_The Nehor]

I wouldn't have gotten engaged twice and broken two girl's hearts. I would have pursued the girl I loved much more recklessly. I would have saved the $5000 I spent all in one month on riotous living. I wouldn't have thrown aside my faith because I was angry with God.

[_TAK]

Grass is greener on the other side. :)

It may seem greener but most people tend to forget it still has to be mowed..

[_wenglund]

In terms of learning from the past with the intent of bettering the future (as opposed to dwelling in the past by fruitlessly wishing to change it), I have found that the less inclined I am to blaming (myself and others, including institutions), while yet taking control and responsibility for my own thoughts and actions, and the more focused I am on satisfying the basic human need to love and be loved and to respect and be respected, and the more consistent and responsible I am in abiding the values and morals designed to meet that end, the better my life is and the better my influence on improving the lives of others.

Thanks, -Wade Englund-

[_KimberlyAnn]

In terms of learning from the past with the intent of bettering the future (as opposed to dwelling in the past by fruitlessly wishing to change it), I have found that the less inclined I am to blaming (myself and others, including institutions), while yet taking control and responsibility for my own thoughts and actions, and the more focused I am on satisfying the basic human need to love and be loved and to respect and be respected, and the more consistent and responsible I am in abiding the values and morals designed to meet that end, the better my life is and the better my influence on improving the lives of others.

Thanks, -Wade Englund-

I hope that not only I can learn from my past, but that my daughters can, too. Thankfully, they aren't in a controlling cult like you are now and like I once was. They will be able to make decisions free from the influence of a farcical sham of the Mormon religion.

Incredibly, Wade, I am also focused on satisfying the basic need to love and be loved. I still have values and morals and I desire to improve the lives of others. I'm glad you're interested in the same. But, your repeatedly sharing the same exact message, in the same exact condescending, falsely sincere tone, isn't influencing me at all. I don't believe you have an iota of concern for me and I can't understand why you insist on repeating yourself on my nearly every thread. I've heard it enough.

So, you can take your psycho-babble and false sincerity and dispense it elsewhere if you'd like. I promise you are not going to change my opinions or influence me in any way. You're wasting your time.

I have no wish to influence you. I have no wish to interact with you at all. How I wish you felt the same about me!

KA

[_harmony]

Hmmmm...

I got married when I was 19, had my first child shortly after I turned 20, and had my last child when I was 33. That said, I'd change none of that.

However...

I'd have gotten married in the church at home, not in the temple, so my family could witness and participate in the ceremony and celebrate with us. We could have done the temple thing later, and it wouldn't have made any difference in the long run.

I'd have encouraged my husband to finish his degree, instead of sitting back and letting him be a slave to his farmer father in hopes of one day gaining a farm of his own.

I'd never loan money to family, never sign a contract in place of family, never leave myself open to legal action should family renig on an agreement. I'd never allow family to use my credit or my good name.

I'd never take the prednisone, no matter what it cost me.

I'd teach the sociology class they offered me.

I'd not be content with the Masters, but grab the opportunity to pursue the PhD with both hands.

I'd ditch the hair dye long before I did.

I'd live in town. I've been on a farm long enough.

I'd go dancing at a club, go to concerts and art shows in the park, see movies on the river, go camping in my camper more than once a year, see a play at least once or twice a year, try out for the chorus in a musical at the light opera, learn to tap dance, take an art class at the college, take up yoga, join the women's barbershop chorus. Do all things I thought were beyond my reach.

[_sunstoned]

Looking back, I'm sure we would all have done some things differently. What would you have done differently?

KA

Hello KA,
I am mostly a lurker on these types of forums and seldom post, but for some reason your post resonated with me. As I read your post a deep sorrow welled up inside of me. It was quite unexpected and it was sudden enough to be startling. I don’t think I fully understand the emotion yet, but I believe it has much to do with a sense of loss. The loss of youth, the loss of what might have been a loss of potential that was never used.
In my case, maybe it is also the sense of waist. I didn’t sacrifice my precious youth on anything as noble as defending my country or assisting the disadvantaged while in the Peace Core. I spent two years of my time and money selling a lie. I took my Mission Presidents council as being inspired and married within six months of my release. My first child came nine months later. I spent the next decade living in poverty while trying to go school and at the same time supporting a growing family. I was taught it was a sin to limit your family.
I never went on the study abroad program, and I didn’t take the Internship at Washington D.C. I didn’t ride my bike across the country with my friends as I had planned. I didn’t date, and I didn’t backpack Europe. I went to church, I paid the ten percent I couldn’t afford, I burned up hours and hours of my life in presidency and bishopric meetings. And latter, when I woke up and realized that it was all a f**king lie, a overwhelming sense of loss and anger settled over me for several years.
I know it is silly to try and reorder a life already lived, but I am tying in my midlife to make up for lost time. But it will always be a make up effort. The loss is real, and what is gone can never be replaced.