healing/recovery through venting?

[DrW]

OK, while i was 'jesting' i guess i didn't do it well :-( Another failure...soooo, i'll try again:

From post 1, page 1:
Quote:
Could someone who thinks you can heal/recover from venting, please explain the alleged therapeutic dynamic?


My question: Is "venting" really something to "recover" from? Six pages and no advice as to how one does it... Maybe plug da vents??? Bet that'd be dynamically therapeutic!! :-))))

Jersey Girl, I thought you'd get it but ... Trying again: As i carefully considered the question, as asked, "...how does one recover "from venting"? AS, "how does one recover from TB, cancer, the common cold..." Like "venting" was a problem, as it might well be...

The question wasn't, "how does one recover "BY" venting?" Get IT??? ;-)

The instructor of a course in Navigation, i took several years ago, began his first class by writing his name on the chalk board, AND the oversized letters RTFQ, that he had us repeat. When asked what they stood for, he refused to say. BUT they were repeated every class until the last night. Then he told us, at the top of his voice >>> "READ THE F***ING QUESTIONS!!!" I was the only one to score 100% :-) Never been the same since LOL!

"Venting", as i've experienced though, does make one feel better. Ya-know-wadimsayin'? But, "RTFQ" ;-)))

Just havin' a little fun!! Roger

[_Ray A]

Over the last couple of days I've spent a lot of time (too much) going through ex-Mormons blogs and comments about the subject of venting, and in particular in regard to RFM. Here, summarised, is what I have discovered:

1) Most exmos who go on RFM seem to benefit by the experience.

2) Some say it initially helped them, but then they moved on.

3) Many long time posters on RFM stay to "nurture" newbies.

4) Many Mormons, and some exmos, are critical of RFM. Some believe it leads to more anger, including "Sparky", who posted this insight on Z.

5) RFM seems to be a "transitory" experience for most, by far, at least as far as the venting is concerned.

[_beastie]

Ray,

I think RFM has a similar problem as FAIR (and by the way I applaud you for taking the time to do some background searching). On both boards, there exists a very vocal group who cannot stand for anyone to veer from the "party line" (as they understand it). Those people make reasonable and interesting discussion very difficult. That vocal group mistreated Dan Vogel (and prompted personal attacks on me, which you mentioned). We agree on that. And a mirror/opposite group exists on FAIR, as well. That is why I largely lurk on both forums (well, I never post on FAIR, but occasionally post on RFM) instead of actively participating.

But aside from those problems (which I view as noise to signal problems), there are very intelligent people posting on both forums. That's why I lurk on both. You just have to be willing to ignore a lot of noise to look for signal.

[_Ray A]

But aside from those problems (which I view as noise to signal problems), there are very intelligent people posting on both forums. That's why I lurk on both. You just have to be willing to ignore a lot of noise to look for signal.

I can agree with that. I have seen some very good posts on RFM (but I wish there were more), and there are narrowminded TBMs on FAIR, and narrowminded exmos on RFM. Both extremes seem to be reactions. I suppose in the end it boils down to worldviews/religious views. It's sort of like what going on in Iraq and the Middle East. Factions hindering progress, but that's a big assumption, it assumes everyone can be rational.

[_truth dancer]

How to recover from venting 101 (in honor of an occasional recipient of my venting, Roger)! :-)

1. Blow your nose and dry your eyes if necessary.

2. Take some deep breaths.

3. Put a smile on your face and perhaps hug your friend who listened.

Hows that? LOL!

~dancer~

[_OUT OF MY MISERY]

Keep posting and venting alerting everyone to the TRUTH....

That is how I Intend to Vent....

[_Mister Scratch]

I wonder, if we gave Wade and Pahoran along with Scratch and Shades a foam bat each and let them go at it, if the end results would be positive?

An intriguing proposition. However, I refuse to have any further dealings with Pah, so this is a no-go.

[_wenglund]

I know I have a better reply "in" me, but considering that I'm working like crazy while popping in and out here, this one will have to do.

W: Wouldn't you feel hurt were your most beloved, loving, and charished beliefs and people to be the subject of intense and sustained mockery, profanation, vulgarity, denegration, name-calling, gossip, teeth-gnashing, and vile accusations?

Jersey Girl: I believe the comments originated about RFM specifically. If it bothers you don't read it. Anyone with half a brain, and that includes you and I, knows that the people on RFM are angry about their experiences in Mormonism. What else would you expect from people who are angry? Are the things they say untrue and how would you know if they are untrue if their posts are based on their own real life experiences?

Applying this to my previous analogy, then to your way of thinking, you would say that if Mrs. X has half a brain she would know that Mr.s X is angry, so if his venting bothers her, then she shouldn't listen to him and she wont be hurt.

Suppose though he goes to a message board where she is at, and unloads some of his venting there?

Suppose his children or her friends come into a message board where he is venting?

Is what he is saying untrue, particularly if it is based on his own real life experiences?

W: Wouldn't you feel hurt that there are people with such little regard for your beliefs, and who devalue you and your people, and have such intense contempt for you and your faith even though they may never have met you or known you, but solely because you belong to a certain group, such that they would feel little or no compunction doing the things above?

Jersey Girl: If you're thinking about the RFM posters, Wade, you're way off base. Those folks came directly out of Mormonism and have real life experiences to draw on. It's not like they chose to attack you personally because you belong to the LDS Church. They have contempt for THEIR experiences...it has nothing to do with you as an individual and why you place it within the context of: who devalue you/such intense contempt for you/even though they may never have met you or known you...really, I think that's irrational, Wade. It's not about you, Wade. It's about THEM and their experiences. Do you deny them the right to express anger about their life experiences?

I could be way off base, or I could be right on base. That is to be detrermined as the discussion progresses and as we build a proper framework for distinguishing between alleged therapeutic venting and unhealthy/abusive venting.

As for whether THEIR contempt extends or not beyond their individual experience, and who and what it is rationally about, will be examined going forward as well. But for now, it may help to GENERICALLY address the foundational issues (i.e. whether venting is invariably a therapeutic activity, and if not, when is it therapeutic and how so, and when is it unhealthy/abusive and how so?

Thanks, -Wade Englund-

[cacheman]

Wade,

I'm still mystified as to why you are offended by people talking about their own feelings and experiences. Unless they are directing their venting at you, what business is it of yours? And why in the world are you hanging around places like RfM that offend you?

To my mind, it would be like being a volunteer for the Democratic Party and then going over to a Republican fundraiser and complaining that they're being mean to Democrats.

[_wenglund]

Hi Wade,

While I agree that Mr. X was abusive, I don't understand how you can suggest that he wasn't venting his anger.

He was absolutely expressing his anger in inappropriate and abusive ways.

Perhaps were he to have found a support group for overly nagged, exploited, and abused men, and released his hurt and anger in the same way to them rather than to his wife, would that have been venting instead of abuse?

If no one is being emotionally abused then behavior is not abusive. If a therapist or group members are being abused then there is abuse but I personally doubt many therapists would tolerate an abusive participant. I happen to think group work is pretty helpful for many men and women with all sorts of issues and difficulties.

The distinction, then, isn't between venting vs abuse, but non-abusive venting vs. abusive venting. Agreed?

I don't quite see it this way. (I know you are surprised...LOL).

One can be abusive using all sorts of means... talking, eating, tickling, teasing, playing, etc. etc. etc.

Abuse is abuse and can take many forms. If someone is talking, sharing, venting, discussing, or/and commiserating and becomes abusive then the behavior is absolutely inappropriate. ~dancer~

So, if I understand you correctly, then to your way of thinking, when someone who is venting starts to become abusive, then at that point the person is no longer venting, but abusing. And, if someone is talking, once they become abusive they are no longer talking, but abusing. When someone is eating, once they become abusive they are no longer eating, but abusing. Etc.

If so, then it may be of interest to have you describe some distinguishing characteristic between venting and abuse? At what point, or in what way, does the release of anger or other pent up emotions stop being venting and starts being abuse (I am not looking for scientific exactitude here, but a good rule of thumb)?

Do both parties have to be in close and personal proximity to each other for abuse to occur rather than venting? In other words, can Mr. X say the same things about his wife to a support group where she is not present, and that be considered venting, but when said to his wifes face it is abuse?

Thanks, -Wade Englund-