wenglund wrote:Mister Scratch wrote: I would suggest that she visit RfM, where she would be sure to find lots of people who have experienced much the same feelings she has.
How does that suggestion put the Guiding Principles (which you claim to be a "shining example" of) into action?
Thanks, -Wade Englund-
Here, let's walk our hypothetical "Suzi" through your "Guiding Principles" vis-a-vis RfM:
This process of healing and growth is about:
1. You. Since the only person that you ultimately have the power and right to change is you, then you will be the subject of whatever change needs to take place in order for you to heal and grow. It you who is or will be at issue.
Right: so Suzi goes to RfM.
2. Self-empowerment and taking back control. As an adult, it is you, and no one else who is the captain of your ship. Accordingly, you need to take back whatever power and control of your ship that you may have given to other people or other things. You may do so by accepting, abiding, and making this about what is stated below.
As you pointed out in your example, Suzi has given a lot of "power and control" over to the Church, esp. in relation to the notion of marriage. So, in effect, she needs to "take back" the control she has forked over to the Church.
3. Choice, goals, responsibility, and accountability. As the captain of your ship you have the ultimate authority and agency to make a variety of choices for and about your ship. You get to decide what kind of ship you will be, what shape your ship will be in, what direction you wish to take your ship, etc. You are also at least partially, if not fully, responsible and accountable for how your ship has sailed and how your ship will sail. You are the captain of your ship, so the buck stops with you.
Right, okay. This all makes sense: Suzi is *choosing* not to let the Church dictate her happiness.
4. Faith, hope, trust, and commitment. As the captain of your ship, you will have faith and hope that you will be able to affect positive change in your life and reach your desired destinations. This will require that you develop greater trust in your self and others (making this about a sound and secure collaborative effort), and be persistently committed and devoted to the cause--i.e. an active participant. The only person that will prevent you from realizing your worthy and reasonable goals, is you--that is, if you let you.
Obviously, since the Church milieu is not helping Suzi to gain trust in her life, and in fact, she is not bitter about the Church, it will be better for her to develop trusting relationships with like-minded people. Thus, she should go to RfM, where there are lots of people who are bitter about the Church.
5. Addressing what is meaningful and significant. As the captain of your ship, you will want to avoid micro managing and counterproductively entangling yourself in minor and petty issues, but will devote your time and energy to matters of substance and import.
I think we can both agree that the Church---and feelings related to it---are important, and substantial.
6. Addressing root causes, not symptoms. As the captain of your ship, you will want to get to the bottom of what may be negatively influencing your ship--including the workings of your moral/rational compass, the magnification and clarity of your telescope, the set of your sails, the sea-worthiness of your crew, the sturdiness of your timber, etc.
Well, the very brief example that you gave doesn't really provide much insight into "root causes," but given the heavy emphasis you said that the Church plays in Suzi's life, I think we can safely say that the Church lies---at least in part---at the root of her problems.
7. Addressing the future, not the past. As the captain of your ship, your eyes will be focused on the chosen destinations ahead, rather than the waypoints astern--otherwise, your past will continue to be your future.
Right, no problem here. A brief foray into RfM, and then she gets on with her life. Sort of like Runtu. Or Beastie.
8. Addressing the whole, and not just the parts. As the captain, when evaluating and making choices regarding your ship, you will consider whether the following are conducive to you getting to your desired destinations: a) the external environment; b) your emotional state; c) your physical health and condition, and d) your mental health and condition.
Since the Church is the predominating "external environment" in your example, it would seem best for Suzi to jettison it for the time being.
9. Doing what works. As a human captain of a human ship, you will not be so much looking with expectations of perfection and infallibility, nor with the intent to prove yourself right and others wrong, but rather to do what is reasonable and what will work best in getting you and your ship where you want to go.
Of course, during her visit to RfM, Suzi will be exposed to all sorts of criticism aimed at the Church---some outrageous and harsh, some mild; some totally false, some accurate. As such, she will no doubt gain a greater understanding of how the Church is not "perfect or infallible," and thus enabling her to have a healthy relationship both with and within the Church.
10. Becoming our best selves and fulfilling critical human needs. Whatever choices and actions you take as the captain of your ship, you will keep in mind the goal of becoming your best self (whatever you, as the captain, determine that to be) as well as the attainment of these following basic and critical human needs: "To love, value, and respect, and to be loved, valued, and respected."--understanding that while attaining one or the other of the respective sides of that equation of human needs may be somewhat satisfying, complete fulfillment comes only by attaining both sides.
The Church has already dictated a "best self" to Suzi, and obviously it is not working. Better for her to look elsewhere, no?