I Took the D&C Challenge--How'd I Do?

[_asbestosman]

Here's my attempt. A template taken from Sections 15 and 16 since apparently that one was used more than once with very minor modifications. I have also attempted to edit it so as not to be blasphemous. Given this template, I could probably make as many revelations as I can find names of people.

Section 15 1/2

1 Hearken, my servant ____, and listen to the words of _____.
2 For behold, I speak unto you with sharpness and with power, for mine arm is over all the earth.
3 And I will tell you that which no man knoweth save me and thee alone—
4 For many times you have desired of me to know that which would be of the most worth unto you.
5 Behold, blessed are you for this thing, and for speaking my words which I have given (unto) you according to my commandments.
6 And now, behold, I say unto you, that the thing which will be of the most worth unto you will be to declare repentance unto this people, that you may bring souls unto me, that you may rest with them _______. Amen.

[_Doctor Steuss]

1) Woe be unto him who despiseth the truth of the Doctor’s words.
2) Woe, woe, be unto him who dost not liken himself unto my meek and humble servant.
3) For even as I created man on the 1,668,521,487,685,695,524,589th day, so I also created love within thy hearts.
4) But ye have turned thy hearts away from the love which was planted in thee.
5) Like the dung beetle, you wait for the seed to pass through the bowels of the beasts of the earth before it is pleasing to thee.
6) Oh that I wish ye were not like unto the dung beetle, and would instead liken yourselves unto the Volkswagen Beetle.
7) Love is my name, and wrath is my sword. And harsh shall be my judgment for those that do not cast aside their sins like unto the Republican casting aside their intellects.
8) And Steuss wept.

[_DonBradley]

1) Woe be unto him who despiseth the truth of the Doctor’s words.
2) Woe, woe, be unto him who dost not liken himself unto my meek and humble servant.
3) For even as I created man on the 1,668,521,487,685,695,524,589th day, so I also created love within thy hearts.
4) But ye have turned thy hearts away from the love which was planted in thee.
5) Like the dung beetle, you wait for the seed to pass through the bowels of the beasts of the earth before it is pleasing to thee.
6) Oh that I wish ye were not like unto the dung beetle, and would instead liken yourselves unto the Volkswagen Beetle.
7) Love is my name, and wrath is my sword. And harsh shall be my judgment for those that do not cast aside their sins like unto the Republican casting aside their intellects.
8) And Steuss wept.

LOL!!!!! I love the imagery and the analogies. When and where does your church meet?

Don

[_Doctor Steuss]

1) Woe be unto him who despiseth the truth of the Doctor’s words.
2) Woe, woe, be unto him who dost not liken himself unto my meek and humble servant.
3) For even as I created man on the 1,668,521,487,685,695,524,589th day, so I also created love within thy hearts.
4) But ye have turned thy hearts away from the love which was planted in thee.
5) Like the dung beetle, you wait for the seed to pass through the bowels of the beasts of the earth before it is pleasing to thee.
6) Oh that I wish ye were not like unto the dung beetle, and would instead liken yourselves unto the Volkswagen Beetle.
7) Love is my name, and wrath is my sword. And harsh shall be my judgment for those that do not cast aside their sins like unto the Republican casting aside their intellects.
8) And Steuss wept.

LOL!!!!! I love the imagery and the analogies. When and where does your church meet?

Don

The LDS splinter group (the Steussites) has not yet been formed. Blixa has prophesied of its formation though, and I’d hate to doubt her abilities (“once the prophetess speaks, the thinking has been done”).

1) I hereby give a commandment to my servant Don.
2) Oh that he might be diligent in his longing for the coming of the day of the Steussites.
3) Oh that he might have faith.
4) For thus sayeth the Blixa, “If the Steussites are not organized upon the face of this land, I shall create many mansions for them within the kingdom of the serpent.
5) “And they shall dwell with Satan, and play twister and shall suffer no more that his horns shall poke them about their loins.”

[_Blixa]

I truly believe the Day of the Steussites is at hand.

[_The Nehor]

Not seeing it sorry, the sheep hear my voice bit was very disjointed and it doesn't flow to me the way the D&C does.

[_beastie]

Not seeing it sorry, the sheep hear my voice bit was very disjointed and it doesn't flow to me the way the D&C does.

Yeah, nothing flows like the LORD GOD threatening to destroy a woman if she doesn't let her husband marry other women.

[_SatanWasSetUp]

Not seeing it sorry, the sheep hear my voice bit was very disjointed and it doesn't flow to me the way the D&C does.

Yeah, nothing flows like the LORD GOD threatening to destroy a woman if she doesn't let her husband marry other women.

This does bring up the whole King James english issue. It makes no sense for the Book of Mormon to be in King James english, and it sure as heck doesn't make any sense for Joseph Smith to be recieving revelations in the 1830s transmitted to him in King James english. In fact, it seems all communications to god within Mormonism are in KJE, people even say their prayers using KJE. Did King James somehow crack the language of God?

[_It occurs to me . . .]

Hearken! Oh ye inhabitants of the earth. Listen together and open your ears, for it is I, the Lord of all the earth, the creator of all things that speaketh unto you. Yea, even Jesus Christ speaking by the voice of my servant whom I have called and chosen to be a light and a covenant to the world in these last days. I have called him and given him a name to be had in remembrance before me, even the name Immanuel David Isaiah, which name being interpreted means: God with us--Beloved God--The Lord is salvation--signifying the deliverance that shall come to my people by my mighty hand in these last days. For lo, I am even now making bare my holy arm in the eyes of all nations, for gross darkness covers the earth and gross darkness envelops the minds of the people, for Satan reigns and his dominions are great, and he sitteth upon many waters, even Babylon the great, that great whore of all the earth. And the peoples of the earth stumble and grope in darkness at noonday, and the humble followers of Jesus Christ suffer and mourn under the heavy hand of oppression and murder and secret combinations, which do by their secret crafts and arts, their secret governments and societies, with their false traditions and churches subject the whole earth to the iron yoke of bondage, misery and death; and the true and faithful and humble followers of Christ cry out in the anguish of their soul for relief and deliverance. I, the Lord God, the Savior of the world, have long heard their cries, and the cries of all the holy prophets and saints who have cried unto me, and do still fervently petition me, and to whom I have promised and covenanted that the day of deliverance will come. And verily, verily, I say unto all, Repent ye, Repent ye, while the day lasts; before the night comes, wherein no work or labor for my kingdom can be performed. Yea, verily, I say unto all in every nation, in every land, among all peoples, repent, and come unto me that I may heal you. Forsake all your works of darkness wherein ye seek for riches and the vain and foolish things of this world, wherein ye seek to obtain power and gain and popularity and to satisfy all the lusts of the flesh. Yea, cease to do evil, and learn to do good, and come unto me, and I will Heal you. For this cause I have raised up my servant Immanuel David Isaiah, even my righteous right hand, to be a light and a covenant to my people--to all those who will repent and come unto me, for in my servant, Immanuel, is the fullness of gospel, which I the Lord brought forth out of obscurity and out of darkness through my servant Joseph Smith, Jr. And by the hand of my servant Joseph, I, the Lord God, Jehovah, Brought forth out of the bowels of the earth the Book of Mormon, which back contains my true doctrine, and stands with the Bible to witness for my name unto all the earth, to show unto all people that I am the very Christ who suffered and died for their sins, and rose again the third day, that all men who will believe in me, and will repent, and be baptized in my name shall have eternal life. And I, even Jesus Chris appeared unto my servant Joseph Smith, Jr., and I sent min angels unto him, and I revealed unto him many great and marvelous truths pertaining to my everlasting gospel, and I conferred upon him and other faithful ones the holy priesthood of God and ordained them prophets, seers, revelators, and priests and teachers unto my people. And I gave them power to baptize in my name and to confer the gift of the Holy Ghost, which I pour out upon all who are worthy of the same--showing forth works of faith and repentance. And to all those who receive these things of which I have spoken and endure to the end will I give eternal life with me and my Father in my Father's kingdom, for I am the way, the truth, and the life, and no one cometh unto the Father but by me. For this cause I established, through my servant Joseph Smith Jr., the only true and living church upon the face of the whole earth with all the keys and powers and ordinances of the Holy Priesthood for the salvation of mankind, being the same church that I established through Peter, James, John in the meridian of time, and it was lost through apostasy and a falling away. And this priesthood and this power, which was lost, I reestablished in these last days through my servant Joseph. And this priesthood and this power have continued with my last day church, even The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, through a succession of prophets until the present day. Wherefore, I, the Lord God will not be mocked, for verily, I say unto you that I have seen the wicked ness and the abominations of my people in these last days, even all the house of Israel, for they have rejected the new and everlasting covenant, even the Book of Mormon, and they have not heeded in the words of mine anointed prophets who cry unto them Repent ye, Repent ye of all your idolatries, and your abominations, and your secret combinations, wherein ye murder to get gain; and my people will not hear. Therefore, I, the Lord God take away even the light which they have. And I hide up the true prophets who are still among them. And I give them false prophets who speak in vain and foolish and lying words unto them. And the fullness of the priesthood keys, authority and power, I bestow upon another who is in their midst and they know him not

Sorry that quote was a little long. This is from the The Book of Immanuel David Isaiah
by Immanuel David Isaiah (better known as Brian David Mitchell)

I remember when the SL Tribune first made this available online, I read it and thought how much it sounded like Joseph Smith in the D&C. He goes on and on like this. You can read it here: http://www.totse.com/en/religion/miscel ... 79010.html

[_Blixa]

Respect.