Giving and Taking Offense

[_barrelomonkeys]

There is certainly nothing preventing them from leaving the mutually respectful and meaningful discourse with me to those who are willing and able. I am pleased to have been enriched lately by the impressive musing from good folks like Blixa, Book of Mormon, and Scottie, to name a few. They can correct me if I am wrong, but they don't seem anxious to get away from me.So, please, as mentioned to Tal, please don't project your personal hang-ups on the rest of the board participants. That would be...well...repelling. ;-)

Thanks, -Wade Englund-

While I may not be anxious to skirt away from you I question whether you've paid attention to much of my "musings".

They mostly consist of ----> ;P


;P

[_barrelomonkeys]

But if we didn't have cruel, insensitive assholes I wouldn't fume and fret about those in need of rescue and then what would I do?

Boy, you've come to the right place then!! :)

Actually I'd be hard pressed to think of one person that really fits that definition for me on this board. Seriously. I see us all as walking wounded. No doubt that's me projecting. ;P

[_Lucretia MacEvil]

I'm sorry, but I agree with Wade here.

You guys are all trying to simplify feelings to an on/off switch. It is not even close to that easy.

Remember the whole thread about whether guys were responsible for feeling sexual attraction to a scantily clad woman? It was plain that many of you thought that men could not be held accountable for the feelings that arose from looking at the female form. This was just a natural human response to a stimuli.

The same goes for words. To say that I should just be able to brush aside any negative thing that gets said to me is asinine. It's just not that simple. Part of human nature is to react to stimuli. This reaction may take the form of offense, or anger, or laughter, or whatever emotion.

I don't think anyone here is advocating unkindness or giving intentional offense, or that feelings can be turned on or off. We react to stimuli, but then we can notice the reaction, and if it's negative (like anger) we can choose vent it, to repress it, or to forgive it. Ultimately, any offense we take is our own problem. The offender may have his own problem, but trying to change him will not help ourselves. It's a long, slow learning process but for me it's worthwhile to try.

[_Gadianton]

by the way, asb, another advantage of relishing the opportunity to give offense, is that I think, or it least it has been the case for me, to not so easily take offense. We can take a step back when someone takes a jab at us and say, "alright, i've done the same thing myself." But if we're very worried about anyone misconstruing what we say and getting uptight about it, then we're likely to have a low tolerance level for offense, and see it as entirely uncalled for when we read something someone else writes which we interpret to as an attack on us. If we've never, ever, written something that someone else should get upset about, then how dare they write something that upsets us!

[_asbestosman]

I certainly do like teasing people. Maybe it's because I grew up in a home of 5 boys where wrestling and the like were a sort of bonding experience. Tempers flared on occasion, but I think we still generally like each other.

It is the rare occasion when something here offends me. If someone berates my religion, I don't tend to take it personally. If someone comments on my ideas, ditto. Come to think of it, I don't believe I've ever been offended. I have, however, felt hurt when others assume I am trying to condescend to them. I think it hurts only when things go very contrary to my intentions. Perhaps it makes me doubt myself. Over the years I've learned that many people perceive me as arogant, but I do not wish to come across as such. When I do, it kinda hurts because I do care about my image. Maybe I shouldn't care about being arrogant, but if the perception is common then it comes to bite me in the end by diminishing the number of people I can interact with in the ways I actually want. Tit-for-tat. Defectors are punished. Look how people treat "Lord Wademort" (whether he's actually arrogant or not, that is the perception).

[_The Nehor]

"Sticks and Stone may break my bones but words will never hurt me."

The biggest lie our heritage has ever foisted on us.

Give me the sticks and stones any day. It's much more honest. Also growing up in a house with 5 boys like Asbestos I think we were friends again after fisticuffs much more quickly than after an extensive insult campaign.

[_barrelomonkeys]

by the way, asb, another advantage of relishing the opportunity to give offense, is that I think, or it least it has been the case for me, to not so easily take offense. We can take a step back when someone takes a jab at us and say, "alright, I've done the same thing myself." But if we're very worried about anyone misconstruing what we say and getting uptight about it, then we're likely to have a low tolerance level for offense, and see it as entirely uncalled for when we read something someone else writes which we interpret to as an attack on us. If we've never, ever, written something that someone else should get upset about, then how dare they write something that upsets us!

I'm pretty offended that you think I would be offended by offensive statements because I try not to give offense.

[_The Nehor]

I'm pretty offended that you think I would be offended by offensive statements because I try not to give offense.

I've decided to take a defensive stance and shoot anyone who looks at me askance. And I'm going to do that as soon as I look askance up in a dictionary and figure out exactly what it means.

[_asbestosman]

Also growing up in a house with 5 boys like Asbestos I think we were friends again after fisticuffs much more quickly than after an extensive insult campaign.

In retrospect, perhaps we were fortunate that the "yo momma" slams just never quite work amoung brothers. ;)

(None of us were ever big on insulting anyone through their parents anyhow).

[_Ren]

I generally agree with the idea that we should think about whether what we say will offend.
If some ideas inherently are offensive (i.e. I find your religion to be false, for example), then perhaps offense is gauranteed by the very act of putting the opinion forward. But there are always innumerous ways to put such an idea across. The full-on 'blunt' approach isn't nessesarily the way to go...

And if the idea of not being offensive doesn't seem important, I'd look at it as an excersise in diplomacy - which isn't only important, but has real power, when properly utilised and respected.