What the MADmods Don't Know

[_dartagnan]

I wrote up a parody like this a while back but couldn't find it. The following reflects some of my past experiences at FAIR:

Pacman: I just wanted to take this opportunity to express how grateful I am for the Book of Abraham. I know Joseph Smith was inspired when he translated it.

Brent: Would it matter to you to know if he translated it properly?

Pacman: No.

Pahoran: Brent is trying to spew his venom on testimonies. Be strong saints.

Brent: Well, unfortunately the Book of Abraham runs up against some serious problems.

Charity: Are you kidding? Just look at Kerry Shirts’ website of proofs.

Sethbag: You mean the guy who received an honorary diploma from the higher powers living in his backyard?

Juliann: I see Brent is attacking real scholarship again. Brent, go back to school and become a scholar on Islam like everyone else here.

Sethbag: I’m not Brent

Juliann: I know you’re not Brent.

Sethbag: Then why did you say Brent?

Juliann: I didn’t. Don’t force words in my mouth.

Dunamis: Final warning Sethbag.

Sethbag: Um, OK.

Dunamis: That’s it. Sethbag suspended.

Brent: Can someone explain why we should accept Smith’s translations when they fail the test of modern scholarship?

Juliann: Still attacking scholarship huh Brent?

Brent: Um, actually I’m relying on it.

Dunamis: Brent, snarkiness won’t be tolerated here.

Juliann: This is standard stuff in sociology.

Brent: What is?

Juliann: What I just said.

Brent: What did you say?

Juliann: I know that’s what I just said.

Brent: Huh?

Juliann: sigh… I won’t do your homework for you.

Pacman: Brent used to work undercover for the Tanners as a security guard at the Church archives.

Schryver: I told you he was a nutcase. The worst thing you can do is hide your true motives and pretend to be someone you’re not.

Dan Vogel: I couldn’t agree more, “Provis.”

Schryver: Glad you agree.

Juliann: Anyway, the point is that modern scholars have written extensively on the sociology of religion.

Brent: What has that to do with the Book of Abraham?

Juliann: Don’t change the subject.

Dan Vogel: I’m confused as well Juliann.

Charity: That’s because you’re missing the spirit.

Dan Vogel: I’m definitely missing something.

Juliann: The point is that you’re following a typical apostate narrative.

Brent: Well, that makes sense because we are apostates.

Juliann: Ah ha! I rest my case.

charity: Wow that was a stroke of genius Juliann. They walked right into that. That just strengthened my testimony when I thought it couldn’t be any stronger.

Brent: Um…. Yeah. So, does anyone have a reasonable explanation for Smith’s mistranslations?

Pacman: You idiot. Anyone who knows anything knows that he never claimed to have translated it.

Brent: Yes he did.

Dunamis: You’re on thin ice Brent.

Pacman: He said it but he meant something else.

Zakuska: Yes, a 1957 dictionary says that “translate” can actually refer to dancing to bluegrass.

Brent: How does that help your case?

Zakuska: I don’t know

Brent: Anyone else?

Charity: I know… because Joseph had cousins in Kentucky.

Schryver: Don’t let his demonic spirit confuse you people. Everyone knows the papyrus is missing.

Brent: Says who?

Schryver: John Gee, a genius from Yale, did an exhaustive study of this in his “Guide to the Papyri,” and proved beyond a doubt that the original Book of Abraham was, at the least, 1600 feet long.

Brent: So what you’re saying is that..

Juliann: Just shut up Brent. You’re not an expert in anything. You only spent two years in graduate school while I have been in it for 8 years. Why don’t you become an expert first instead of attacking experts?

Brent: Actually I was going to rely on Gee’s teacher, who is a leading expert.

David Bokovoy: Ha! I reviewed Ritner’s criticism and he is biased.

Kevin Graham: Didn’t you already agree that all scholars are biased.

David Bokovoy: Of course they are.

Kevin Graham: And..?

David Bokovoy: So?

Kevin Graham: So what makes Ritner any different than, let’s say, Dan Peterson?

David Bokovoy: Ritner isn’t objective.

Kevin Graham: So Peterson is objective?

David Bokovoy: I never said that. I was just correcting your errors.

Kevin Graham: What errors?

Dunamis: Post deleted. This is why nobody likes you anymore Kevin. Banned.
Plutarch: Kevin is a coward because he doesn’t post using his real name.

Dan Vogel: Is Plutarch your name?

Plutarch: No.

Schryver: Burn in hell Dan.

Zakuska: Take it easy.

The Dude: No man I hate the Eagles.

Schryver: In my estimation this represents compelling proof that Joseph Smith was a prophet.

Brent: What does?

DCP: I have been informed by a Canadian tambourine player that I’m no scholar at all.

Uncle Dale: Wow, changing the subject. And I thought no personal attacks allowed?

Dunamis: Agreed. Brent, suspended.

[_Fortigurn]

dartagnan, it's like I'm there!

[_Bond...James Bond]

Dangit! You stole my idea of inserting Kevin Graham into a discussion...only to be banned! NO!

[_Dr. Shades]

(Forgive me for saying this Bond, but) Kevin, that was pure genius! For a second I had to glance up at my address bar, 'cause I thought I was reading the MA&D board and not here.

[_moksha]

(Forgive me for saying this Bond, but) Kevin, that was pure genius! For a second I had to glance up at my address bar, 'cause I thought I was reading the MA&D board and not here.

They say art imitates life, but is that really the same thing as imitating MAD?

Bond, I think you are right about having characters with easily recognized peculiarities. Here is a possible idea: There must be an internal struggle between Pahoran and Kemara as to which personality gets to emerge and post. Mostly Pahoran dominates, but don't you suspect there is resentment from Kemara's point view for being forced to remain in the background?

[_Bond...James Bond]

(Forgive me for saying this Bond, but) Kevin, that was pure genius! For a second I had to glance up at my address bar, 'cause I thought I was reading the MA&D board and not here.

They say art imitates life, but is that really the same thing as imitating MAD?

Bond, I think you are right about having characters with easily recognized peculiarities. Here is a possible idea: There must be an internal struggle between Pahoran and Kemara as to which personality gets to emerge and post. Mostly Pahoran dominates, but don't you suspect there is resentment from Kemara's point view for being forced to remain in the background?

I'll consider it...but I'm working on something else (besides the Peterson/Scratch rematch) right now. And I'm not particularly familiar with Kemara's personality.

[_Fortigurn]

I wonder if the Mormons on MADB appreciate the irony that their behaviour is so predictable it makes them look scripted?

[_moksha]

And I'm not particularly familiar with Kemara's personality.

Kemara first emerged during a thread at MAD about the desirability of having an Apostle of color. Kemara was able to shed special insight against this idea, because after all he was either of Maori or Aboriginal descent and thus knew that having an Apostle of color was a racist idea. Kemara writes exactly the same as Pahoran and says the same things. It has been postulated that they play solitaire together.

[_Bond...James Bond]

And I'm not particularly familiar with Kemara's personality.

Kemara first emerged during a thread at MAD about the desirability of having an Apostle of color. Kemara was able to shed special insight against this idea, because after all he was either of Maori or Aboriginal descent and thus knew that having an Apostle of color was a racist idea. Kemara writes exactly the same as Pahoran and says the same things. It has been postulated that they play solitaire together.

So basically there are strong indications that Kemara is a semi-silent Silent partner in the Pahoran enterprise?

[_Fortigurn]

And I'm not particularly familiar with Kemara's personality.

Kemara first emerged during a thread at MAD about the desirability of having an Apostle of color. Kemara was able to shed special insight against this idea, because after all he was either of Maori or Aboriginal descent and thus knew that having an Apostle of color was a racist idea. Kemara writes exactly the same as Pahoran and says the same things. It has been postulated that they play solitaire together.

Teh funny has been highlighted.