I will try not to offend!

[_Tommy]

I rarely teach from the manual, other than following the topic. I do it my way and nobody minds. Its pretty envigorating really, to give a lesson to a bunch of TBMs, start their wheels turning in ways they never have, and get thanked for it afterwards.

Brother Smitty,

I would admonish you to teach from the manual. For it has been prepared by men called by God. And please, I ask you to humble yourself. Spinning wheels without purpose are found within the devil's gambling institutions. The saints need less directionless spinning and more guiding turning. Slow, turning wheels - the plodding implementation typified by the handcart. If the prophet called upon you tommorow, would you be ready to pull a handcart?

[_smitty]

I don't believe Joe Smith was a "Prophet". The Bible says (Deuteronomy 18;22) "If what a prophet proclaims in the name of the Lord does not take place or come true, that is a message the Lord has not spoken. That prophet has spoken presumptuously. Do not be afraid of him."

Joe Smith made many false prophecies, not me. He therefore is not a prophet of God. That is all I am saying. If you want me to give you examples I would be more than happy to back up my statement. I have never claimed to be a "prophet", I am a man. There is only ONE God, not three.

[_moksha]

I think making fun of the real BKP and Bednar is entirely the point.

It is the point. It's just getting old fast.

Dear Elder Bednar,

My Serafina and me, we do believe in you. Could you work some enchantment on Sister Liz? Perhaps send her two of your young men?

Juan Moksha Valdez
Blancacoca, Columbia

[_Mr. Coffee]

Ya know, for a guy who's trying "not to offend", he sure does seem to be pissing a lot people off...

[_Aquinas]

Marg, I am tired of your drivel. In this thread you originally attacked this sentence I wrote:

If God is all good, then truth must lead to God, since all truth is good.

You attacked this sentence on the basis that it doesn't prove anything. You seem to love strawman fallacies, it was never meant to prove anything. It is a logical statement, and of course some may not agree with it, I don't really care. You are beyond help, my biggest mistake has been giving your nonsense any of my time. As I posted in the other thread, you are not interested in truth but only in being right; but you fail in both knowing the former and accomplishing the latter. Your understanding of logic is shallow and I suggest you spend your time reading the textbook you have instead of posting on these message boards. May God bless you.

[_marg]

Marg, I am tired of your drivel. In this thread you originally attacked this sentence I wrote:

If God is all good, then truth must lead to God, since all truth is good.

You attacked this sentence on the basis that it doesn't prove anything. You seem to love strawman fallacies, it was never meant to prove anything. It is a logical statement, and of course some may not agree with it, I don't really care.

There is nothing logical about nonsense Aquinas. You could say "if snowmen could sing, if birds could tap dance, if santa clause was real," etc. One could imagine all sorts of "ifs". Those "if " hypothetical statements aren't relevant to determining whether claims are true if the facts within them are not reflective of reality.

You are beyond help, my biggest mistake has been giving your nonsense any of my time. As I posted in the other thread, you are not interested in truth but only in being right;

Aquinas, the existence of things is not something you can claim..without transparent evidence to warrant.

but you fail in both knowing the former and accomplishing the latter. Your understanding of logic is shallow and I suggest you spend your time reading the textbook you have instead of posting on these message boards. May God bless you.

Logic is not making assertions absent evidence, logic is not creating "if" hypotheticals about things which don't exist. That's fantasy

[_David A. Bednar]

I think making fun of the real BKP and Bednar is entirely the point.

It is the point. It's just getting old fast.

My dear Liz, (our sweet Barbie, Bond groupie):

Some might have thought that the masturbation thread was "getting old fast," which you were very happy to participate on. No? (Masturbation thread (telestial forum, no less!): page 1 (1x), page 2 (5x), page 4 (2x), and page 5 (3x).)

How would one argue that that specific thread wasn't an attack on one specific apostle (my fellow brother in the quorum), in particular? How would you argue that? Why no critique in that instance, my dear sister? Ah well, we all have our biases, don't we?

I might also add that, as with General Conference, if one doesn't want to watch or listen, one can merely change the channel or turn it off.

[_David A. Bednar]

David is boring. He has no humility before God, which is expected since he does not know who God is. David, you are in my prayers.

Now son, that's not the way to address an apostle of the Lord. And you may address him as Elder Bedner. I do think David knows the Lord very well being that he is one of the Lord's special witnesses. Now, in the New Testament, it was the Greeks who prayed to an unknown God. And it was the Greeks who were responsible for the worldly philosophies that define the creeds of the Great Apostacy. The Lord was not happy with the false doctrines invented by the historical figure whose name you bear. Which is why there was need of a restoration. Repent, Aquinas, and receive ye his name.

Good day to you, my brother, and fellow servant in the harness!

Thank you for your support. There are obviously a lot of people here who have clearly been offended by someone and I am glad you are here to help me assist their return to the church.

By the way, I spell my name Bednar.

See you in the temple later this week. I've missed your fellowship while you have been out ministering to the old widows, the weary, the sick and downtrodden. How is your heartburn, recently, by the way? Mine has been acting up after getting on this board and serving to bring these wayward brothers and sisters back into the fold. Any advice? See you soon at the quorum of the 15 meeting in the temple.

As always, your brother in the harness, Elder David A. Bednar

[_David A. Bednar]

I think making fun of the real BKP and Bednar is entirely the point.

It is the point. It's just getting old fast.

Dear Elder Bednar,

My Serafina and me, we do believe in you. Could you work some enchantment on Sister Liz? Perhaps send her two of your young men?

Juan Moksha Valdez
Blancacoca, Columbia

My dear brother Juan,

You will be blessed in all your farming and other responsibilities, including taking care of your dear Serafina, for believing in me. How is she doing, by the way?

For Sister Liz, I'm not sure what enchantment would work best. But, perhaps your idea of sending two of our young men to visit her isn't such a bad idea. Perhaps, Bond.....James Bond and Gazelam, together, just might be the enchantment she needs. What do you think? I am open to suggestions.

I hope to visit you soon, my dear Juan, for the field is ripe and ready to harvest in your neck of the woods and I would like to do all I can to help assist in that harvest.

As always,

Your dear enchanted brother in the harness (and always with blinders),

Elder David A. Bednar

[_David A. Bednar]

To my dear Brother Elder Packer,

You wrote, mistakenly I might add, if not to be so presumptuous:

My Dear Brother Bednar,

It saddens me to chastise you in a public forum such as this, but you have ignored my emails, and when I stopped by your office your secretary told me you were out sick today. by the way, it appears your secretary has ignored the commandment in the word of wisdom to eat meat sparingly. I feel sorry for her poor chair. You may politely suggest she use her lunch break to go for a jog rather than stuffing her pie hole with Big Macs. Be careful not to offend her, because although it is true that she is fat and ugly, it is not necessarily helpful for her to know this fact. Simply offer suggestions without necessarily telling her the truth, you know - milk before meat.

Now to more important issues. NEVER EVER DISCUSS THE SECOND ANOINTING. This is the type of behavior that can get you kicked out of the quorum of the twelve. I expect a written apology on my desk by end of business today. You will also be required to write "I will not discuss the second anointing on the internet." 100 times on my white board.

Second. As you know, General Conference is this weekend and as a General Authority you should be too busy to be goofing off on the computer. I read the rough draft of your talk, and to be quite honest, it stunk. I've seen better talks in my great-grandson's primary sharing time. I'd rather hear a child give a memorized testimony than listen to the vomit you puked up and called a talk. Here are some suggestions: Shamelessly kiss up to your superiors. If you want to get a pat on the back from Gordon when General Conference is over, talk about what a great Prophet he is. Don't call him the greatest ever, that's too much. Call him the second best after Joseph Smith. Spend a lot of time talking about the evils of teased hair, earrings, tattoos, and flip flops. Browse the newspapers for some current events that you can complain about. See what R-rated movie is popular right now, than command the members not to see it. Use this to segue into the evils of pornography. Tithing and member missionary work are always big hits. Emphasise the dress code. Members eat that stuff up because it is easy to spot the slackers from the righteous just by looking at their clothes.Polish it up and have it on my desk by Thursday. Good luck brother.

Finally, I need you to pick up my dry cleaning this week. I espect to have my pressed suits hanging in my office closet by end of business Friday.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.


Sincerely,

Boyd K. Packer

About my dear sister secretary,

I have been unsure just how to go about suggesting to her to lose a little weight. It is sure she has been offended by someone and is covering her depression and aggression by eating too many Big Macs. And recently, she has been complaining that her "panty hose allowance" is not enough. What should I do? Can we fire her? I would prefer a younger, in-shape secretary, like yours, but I have felt that, being the youngest of the 15, that I shouldn't request such a change. I am open to your wise counsel in this matter, as always.

About the rough draft which did not meet your approval. If I might say here, I think you confused my son's research project for his Utah History class at the BYU, with my upcoming address at this weekend's conference.

I never had a chance to read through his report, but he thought you might have some suggestions to make it more faith-promoting. What are they teaching these young children anyway at the BYU? He comes back home on the weekends with all kinds of wacky notions. He says he loves the class he attends with Brother Midgley, but I am not so sure that Brother Midgley has his head screwed on right, if I may be so blunt. That guy has a few loose screws and may need a rebuke from one of the 15 to set him straight. I might add, if he fails to clean up his act, we perhaps shold send him packing to that other "university" nearby, where, if he so desires, he can continue to teach his uninspired views of the gospel. What do you think?

On the other hand, my speech, which was under my son's report, was of a totally different tone and topic. The first third of the speech is a rehash of your great speech to our church educators about what history really is, and what it clearly is not. Please note my references to that great and inspiring speech. I think you will be pleased.

You will also notice that I further recommend that those who are pitching their tents on the fringes of Mormonism are walking a thin line and may soon fall into apostacy. I specifically call those to repentance who feel that they can be cafeteria-mormons and pick and choose those things that fit in with their confused notions of what is true and right and disregard the rest. I have noticed that these fringe tent pitchers are often the ones with teased hair, non-white shirts and more than one earring. I believe you will specifically enjoy that part of my message because it again refers to your other recent speech on the evils of teased hair.

Finally, I believe you will approve of the last part of the speech, where I illuminate the grand, celestial moral relativity principle and teach the members how to understand what may be right in one instance, may not be right in another. This should end all confusion that our dear brothers and sisters have in understanding the clear and simple truths of the gospel.

I look forward to meeting with you in the temple on Friday. Perhaps then we can clear up any further misunderstandings. You are the last person I would ever wish to offend. Please forgive your fellow brother in the harness, yea, even your fellow witness of the name of Christ, our elder brother, yea, even the Savior, who is surely to come again soon, in these latter-days.

Your fellow brother in the harness, Elder David A. Bednar

P.S. About your dry cleaning: This was another complaint from my secretary. She feels the "panty hose allowance" which the Church provides our dear sisters working in the COB, is not enough to cover your dry cleaning bills. Do you have any advice? For now, I am paying for it out of my pocket. In any event, it will be in your office tomorrow in plenty of time for our conference this weekend.