I need help!
Posted: Wed Jan 17, 2007 7:48 am
I’m really struggling with a personal issue that I feel I can bring to his forum, so, if you have some time, would you please lend me your ear.
In the early part of December I tried to suicide. It was a serious attempt. The good news as that after spending two days in intensive care, which I don’t remember, I was sent to the behavioral unit. Looking in the mirror, a huge neon-colored bruise on my chest shocked the f*** out of me!
In other words, I discovered I did not want to die!
Believe me, this was news to me. I’ve not only thought I wanted to die, I thought I HAD to die. I’ve thought this for nine years, for it was nine years ago I made my last attempt.
Anyway, I now KNOW I don’t want to die, but I am still feeling shatteringly shell-shocked, and this ties in with my family and Mormonism.
I suffer from severe Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, anxiety disorders, depressions, etc. Whenever I have an emotionally jarring event my mind and body react in ways I cannot control: I plummet into this abyss-like chasm of desolation, especially in my sleep. I have lucid dreams full of terror and grief, sobbing and screaming. They are truly horrific.
I also suffer from fibromyalgia, which has totally destroyed my life. I basically live in a room.
Bottom line, the person who was “Jaynee” no longer exists. She died. The person I see in the mirror is a shell, and a repulsive one at that.
Anyway, about two years ago I was having lunch with my sister, trying to explain all of this. She is a die-hard TBM who likes to spout simplistic psychobabble platitudes like “This serves you somehow,” that are nothing but insulting.
Yet, they do work for her. They really do. She just can’t understand they don’t work for me.
Finally, when we were leaving the restaurant, where she had made a few belittling comments, she said how she believed everyone’s suffering evens out in the end. I told her, very nicely, that I disagreed. I started to say how hundreds of millions of people will suffer farm more than I ever will . . . . But she interrupted me, and as we’re walking through the restaurant on our way out, she turns to me, right in front of everyone, and says, “What, so you think because you’ve suffered more than the rest of us you deserve extra points!?!?”
I was stunned! I hadn’t said anything to warrant her snapping at me. I hadn’t said anything to her personally. It shattered me and I fell into the abyss.
But here’s the kicker. She doesn’t remember it!
FF to that Christmas. I know she is not safe for me to be around so I’m not there. I did not let her know I wasn’t going to be there because frankly I couldn’t see how to have any contact with her at all to let her know. In retrospect I could have sent her an e-mail, and I should have. But the fact that I didn’t shows how dangerous she felt to me at the time.
She was furious about this. We didn’t speak for two years.
Last September my brother got married and I decided to be nice to them and see if we couldn’t just be civil and go on. Things went well. Then Thanksgiving I was at my brother’s and she came by.
This gets good, I promise.
I was talking about some of my struggles, especially my isolation, and she lit into me. She started going on and on about how she has dark times to. I said I know she did, but I didn’t know how bad. But there’s no way I could possibly know for sure because she never calls me to tell me.
When we were children, she nine and me 15, my parents kicked us out of the house. The first nite we spent in the car. I won't go into all the details but the second night I was not only kicked out of myt house, I was kicked out of Dodge. Only years later did I discover my tiny nine-hear-old sister spent the night alone in a boat. This traumatized her terribly.
So during the conversation she says she could never trust me to tell me about her darkness because I left her there in the boat. I didn't even know she was in the boat. I thought she was with my brothers. And in order to "save" her I would have had to fix all the insanity of this huge monstert that were my father and mother.
Additionally, she used to call me all the time with her problems, so this business about not trusting me because of the boat incident is b***s***. Further, she and I have talked about the boat incident a numbetr of times in far more loving circumstances and I have apologized, not taking the blame because I was a child, but because it was such a terrifying thing for her to go through. She and I have history with this issue, yet she never listens to me and throws it at me like it's my fault. I was a child!
It just astounds me that she blames me--not mom and dad---but me. She literally pointed her finger in my face and said “You taught me abandonment.”
I can’t begin to tell you how furious, shattered, hurt and stunned I feel.
But here’s the best part.
We sort of barely made up and she sent me a link to her blog. Here is what she wrote, AFTER pointing her finger in my face and telling me I had taught her abandonment:
I am really struggling with all of this. She doesn’t remember the restaurant scene. She blasts me for things I did as a child. And nobody seems to feel how outrageous this is.
Okay, if you got this far thanks for reading. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
Jaynee
In the early part of December I tried to suicide. It was a serious attempt. The good news as that after spending two days in intensive care, which I don’t remember, I was sent to the behavioral unit. Looking in the mirror, a huge neon-colored bruise on my chest shocked the f*** out of me!
In other words, I discovered I did not want to die!
Believe me, this was news to me. I’ve not only thought I wanted to die, I thought I HAD to die. I’ve thought this for nine years, for it was nine years ago I made my last attempt.
Anyway, I now KNOW I don’t want to die, but I am still feeling shatteringly shell-shocked, and this ties in with my family and Mormonism.
I suffer from severe Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, anxiety disorders, depressions, etc. Whenever I have an emotionally jarring event my mind and body react in ways I cannot control: I plummet into this abyss-like chasm of desolation, especially in my sleep. I have lucid dreams full of terror and grief, sobbing and screaming. They are truly horrific.
I also suffer from fibromyalgia, which has totally destroyed my life. I basically live in a room.
Bottom line, the person who was “Jaynee” no longer exists. She died. The person I see in the mirror is a shell, and a repulsive one at that.
Anyway, about two years ago I was having lunch with my sister, trying to explain all of this. She is a die-hard TBM who likes to spout simplistic psychobabble platitudes like “This serves you somehow,” that are nothing but insulting.
Yet, they do work for her. They really do. She just can’t understand they don’t work for me.
Finally, when we were leaving the restaurant, where she had made a few belittling comments, she said how she believed everyone’s suffering evens out in the end. I told her, very nicely, that I disagreed. I started to say how hundreds of millions of people will suffer farm more than I ever will . . . . But she interrupted me, and as we’re walking through the restaurant on our way out, she turns to me, right in front of everyone, and says, “What, so you think because you’ve suffered more than the rest of us you deserve extra points!?!?”
I was stunned! I hadn’t said anything to warrant her snapping at me. I hadn’t said anything to her personally. It shattered me and I fell into the abyss.
But here’s the kicker. She doesn’t remember it!
FF to that Christmas. I know she is not safe for me to be around so I’m not there. I did not let her know I wasn’t going to be there because frankly I couldn’t see how to have any contact with her at all to let her know. In retrospect I could have sent her an e-mail, and I should have. But the fact that I didn’t shows how dangerous she felt to me at the time.
She was furious about this. We didn’t speak for two years.
Last September my brother got married and I decided to be nice to them and see if we couldn’t just be civil and go on. Things went well. Then Thanksgiving I was at my brother’s and she came by.
This gets good, I promise.
I was talking about some of my struggles, especially my isolation, and she lit into me. She started going on and on about how she has dark times to. I said I know she did, but I didn’t know how bad. But there’s no way I could possibly know for sure because she never calls me to tell me.
When we were children, she nine and me 15, my parents kicked us out of the house. The first nite we spent in the car. I won't go into all the details but the second night I was not only kicked out of myt house, I was kicked out of Dodge. Only years later did I discover my tiny nine-hear-old sister spent the night alone in a boat. This traumatized her terribly.
So during the conversation she says she could never trust me to tell me about her darkness because I left her there in the boat. I didn't even know she was in the boat. I thought she was with my brothers. And in order to "save" her I would have had to fix all the insanity of this huge monstert that were my father and mother.
Additionally, she used to call me all the time with her problems, so this business about not trusting me because of the boat incident is b***s***. Further, she and I have talked about the boat incident a numbetr of times in far more loving circumstances and I have apologized, not taking the blame because I was a child, but because it was such a terrifying thing for her to go through. She and I have history with this issue, yet she never listens to me and throws it at me like it's my fault. I was a child!
It just astounds me that she blames me--not mom and dad---but me. She literally pointed her finger in my face and said “You taught me abandonment.”
I can’t begin to tell you how furious, shattered, hurt and stunned I feel.
But here’s the best part.
We sort of barely made up and she sent me a link to her blog. Here is what she wrote, AFTER pointing her finger in my face and telling me I had taught her abandonment:
Apparently her response to life is to blame her sister, who was still a child, for her abandonment issues. This is just too rich.I do believe that I am responsible for my response to my life. I believe that God knows what will refine me as a person and will continue to provide experiences that test and try until I am able to embrace the changes he has planned for me. I believe in the spirit of goodness within each of us that seeks to do right. I believe my life has meaning and that our children watch how we live more than what we say.
I believe that sharing what we believe has value and contributes to the greater good in the world. I believe acting on our beliefs brings harmony to our souls and aligns us with the Godliness that exists in each of us. I believe that while I have not been given everything I want (which is transitory), I have been given what I need.
I am really struggling with all of this. She doesn’t remember the restaurant scene. She blasts me for things I did as a child. And nobody seems to feel how outrageous this is.
Okay, if you got this far thanks for reading. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
Jaynee