Greetings apostates

[_Boyd_K_Packer]

Greetings apostates and godless sodomites. It is good to know that when you are not surfing porn you find the time to write wicked and irreverent words about my beloved church upon these computer pages. For those of you who are a little slow, that was meant as sarcasm.

Since this is my first post, I would like to take the opportunity to introduce myself. My name is Boyd K. Packer, President of the Quorum of the 12 apostles for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Other than wicked influences, I also see there are some faithful members of the Lord's church participating on this computer discussion program. To these members I offer a warning, beware of the adversary, for I sense his presence here, and I strongly counsel you to be aware of his tactics, and his lies, and prepare thyselves to dodge the fiery darts which he shall surely throw thy way. I strongly advise the wearing of garments while participating on this computer discussion program, for the holy garment shall offer thee protection against the unholy forces which the adversary shall see fit to unleash upon thee.

Occasionally I have time in my busy schedule to act as a shepherd and tend after my sheep. I have found some on this computer program that need my help and guidance. As time permits, I look forward to offering my own wise words of counsel which shall come after much thoughtful prayer and guidance from the Lord.

I bear you my testimony that this work is true, that I am a true apostle, and this work shall go forward with or without these wicked computer powered influences.

I shall now say goodbye and sign off,

Sincerely,

Boyd K. Packer
President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

[Moderator Note] Welcome aboard, President Packer! Our board owner, Dr. Shades, gets a little testy when our posters misspell words, so I have taken the liberty of correcting your spelling of the word, "good-bye". Enjoy the boards!
Sincerely,
Your friendly neighborhood Mod,
Liz

[_Mister Scratch]

Greetings apostates and godless sodomites. It is good to know that when you are not surfing porn you find the time to write wicked and irreverent words about my beloved church upon these computer pages. For those of you who are a little slow, that was meant as sarcasm.

Since this is my first post, I would like to take the opportunity to introduce myself. My name is Boyd K. Packer, President of the Quorum of the 12 apostles for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Other than wicked influences, I also see there are some faithful members of the Lord's church participating on this computer discussion program. To these members I offer a warning, beware of the adversary, for I sense his presence here, and I strongly counsel you to be aware of his tactics, and his lies, and prepare thyselves to dodge the fiery darts which he shall surely throw thy way. I strongly advise the wearing of garments while participating on this computer discussion program, for the holy garment shall offer thee protection against the unholy forces which the adversary shall see fit to unleash upon thee.

Occasionally I have time in my busy schedule to act as a shepherd and tend after my sheep. I have found some on this computer program that need my help and guidance. As time permits, I look forward to offering my own wise words of counsel which shall come after much thoughtful prayer and guidance from the Lord.

I bear you my testimony that this work is true, that I am a true apostle, and this work shall go forward with or without these wicked computer powered influences.

I shall now say goodby and sign off,

Sincerely,

Boyd K. Packer
President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Welcome, President Packer! As you may or may not know, I am quite a fan of your classic talk, "The Mantle is Far, Far Greater than the Intellect." In fact, I would like to encourage you to do a talk at the next GC wherein you say explicitly that the Church should cover up embarrassing aspects of history. Better to lie about Joseph Smith, or the priesthood ban, or blood atonement than to risk a member losing his or her testimony of the Church, right?

In any case, I will look forward with much excitement to your future guidance and posts.

[_Sethbag]

I'm sorry I didn't reply earlier, Pres. Packer, but this is a workday and I have a little factory to run. Managing my little factory simply takes up most of my time. I'm sure you understand.

[_gramps]

Hello, Pres. Packer. Welcome to the board! Really.

Beware. Some of those apostates on this board love to make fun of your precious remarks concerning young men and their little factories. So stay away from the telestial forum where they mock your good name and wise counsel. Really. Don't go there. It is nasty, crude and unbecoming of an apostle of your stature.

If I can be of any help in attempting to save, even though it be just one measley apostate, I am at your service. Please show me the way and I will follow.

Baaaa! Baaaa!

[_harmony]

Greetings apostates and godless sodomites. It is good to know that when you are not surfing porn you find the time to write wicked and irreverent words about my beloved church upon these computer pages. For those of you who are a little slow, that was meant as sarcasm.

Since this is my first post, I would like to take the opportunity to introduce myself. My name is Boyd K. Packer, President of the Quorum of the 12 apostles for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Other than wicked influences, I also see there are some faithful members of the Lord's church participating on this computer discussion program. To these members I offer a warning, beware of the adversary, for I sense his presence here, and I strongly counsel you to be aware of his tactics, and his lies, and prepare thyselves to dodge the fiery darts which he shall surely throw thy way. I strongly advise the wearing of garments while participating on this computer discussion program, for the holy garment shall offer thee protection against the unholy forces which the adversary shall see fit to unleash upon thee.

Occasionally I have time in my busy schedule to act as a shepherd and tend after my sheep. I have found some on this computer program that need my help and guidance. As time permits, I look forward to offering my own wise words of counsel which shall come after much thoughtful prayer and guidance from the Lord.

I bear you my testimony that this work is true, that I am a true apostle, and this work shall go forward with or without these wicked computer powered influences.

I shall now say goodby and sign off,

Sincerely,

Boyd K. Packer
President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Interesting how even the greatest of the great starts out in the Nursery here.

[_ajax18]

I know there has been a lot of slanderous information going around about you so I was hoping you could set us straight. Just how much do you get paid a year to be Acting President of the Twelve?

[_Bond...James Bond]

I would have responded earlier Boyd, but I had a spill near my little factory. It took two hours, a mop, and team of spider monkeys to clean up. Welcome to the board.

[_OUT OF MY MISERY]

Greetings apostates and godless sodomites. It is good to know that when you are not surfing porn you find the time to write wicked and irreverent words about my beloved church upon these computer pages. For those of you who are a little slow, that was meant as sarcasm.

Since this is my first post, I would like to take the opportunity to introduce myself. My name is Boyd K. Packer, President of the Quorum of the 12 apostles for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Other than wicked influences, I also see there are some faithful members of the Lord's church participating on this computer discussion program. To these members I offer a warning, beware of the adversary, for I sense his presence here, and I strongly counsel you to be aware of his tactics, and his lies, and prepare thyselves to dodge the fiery darts which he shall surely throw thy way. I strongly advise the wearing of garments while participating on this computer discussion program, for the holy garment shall offer thee protection against the unholy forces which the adversary shall see fit to unleash upon thee.

Occasionally I have time in my busy schedule to act as a shepherd and tend after my sheep. I have found some on this computer program that need my help and guidance. As time permits, I look forward to offering my own wise words of counsel which shall come after much thoughtful prayer and guidance from the Lord.

I bear you my testimony that this work is true, that I am a true apostle, and this work shall go forward with or without these wicked computer powered influences.

I shall now say goodby and sign off,

Sincerely,

Boyd K. Packer
President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

I am a apostate and a godless sodomite how did you know??? Next time you see me you can kiss my gay son on his right cheek. Which cheek you may ask, that is up to you to decide.
I have made sure to poison my children minds against people like you by telling them GOD is crap but KARMA is what works.
Pay it forward I tell them. Don't pray to someone that is not there, that does not listen, that does not care about apostates and Godless sodomites.

You Boyd K. Packer can Kiss my white Ass because I will be in Hell with my friends roasting marshmellows and drinking beer, while you will be in heaven trying to take a crap with one piece underwear on.

I wish you were OUT OF MY MISERY BOYD K. PACKER but I can see that you are allowed to have computer access just like me.

Like I really think you are Boyd Packer....?????
I am Steven Colbert

[_ajax18]

My name is Boyd K. Packer, President of the Quorum of the 12 apostles for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

I know that you probably already know this Elder Packer, but aren't you really the acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve? I think President Monson is still the senior apostle. I know, maybe it was just lost in the translation, or perhaps you have the right to speak as if you were President Monson since you're one in purpose? Whatever it is I'm sure it's something wrong with the way I'm interpreting it because I know you could never make a mistake, especially when performing your official duties under the direction of the Holy Spirit.

Any chance you'd like to let us know what you plan to do if you take over as President of the Church?

[Tavares Standfield]

Thank you for your replies. It fills me with joy to know that many of you have read my talks, and have taken them to heart. I am saddened that some of you think the sinful act of self fornication is something to joke about. I would like to share a story with you, hopefully a story that will touch your heart.

When I was a young bishop, one of the members in my ward was a sweet old widow woman named Esther Johnson. Sister Johnson never missed a meeting. I remember she always sat in the front pew. Her silver hair glistened like the morning sun reflecting off the Great Salt Lake. She partook of the sacrament with great reverence, slowly savoring the pure white bread, and remembering her covenants before swallowing. Watching her partake of the sacrament with such faithfulness filled me with pride.

I also had in my ward a 16-year old priest named Henry. On first appearances Henry appeared normal. He was clean cut, well groomed, and always wore a white shirt to church. He was a favorite amongst his peers, and it seemed he always ended up blessing the sacrament, which included breaking the bread with his bare hands. Now, back in those days the priests did not use wet wipes to clean their hands before breaking the bread. This fact immediately entered my mind when Henry was dragged into my office by his father, and forced to confess to the sinful act of manually releasing the substance from his little factory, an act which he had performed on himself regularly for the past year.

I was so sickened by this confession I nearly vomited, but nothing could prepare me for Henry's next confession. I asked Henry if he washed his hands after each act. He said he did not. I wanted to leap across my desk and sock Henry in the nose, but the Holy Spirit held me back. It would not be appropriate for a servant of the Lord to commit violence, I hoped and prayed that his peers would eventually take care of that part when word spread about his sin. My thoughts moved to poor Sister Johnson. Remnants of Henry's little factory, and the sinful substance which he manually released, undoubtedly remained on his filthy unwashed hands while he broke the bread. This substance ultimately ended up in Sister Johnson's mouth, which she swallowed. It was as if Henry had forced Sister Johnson to perform oral fornication on him without her knowledge. It didn't stop at Sister Johnson. Everyone in the chapel, including myself, was forced to perform unholy acts of oral intercourse on Henry. The minute I got home from the office, I brushed my teeth, and I encouraged my wife and children to do the same.

I did not go easy on Henry. He was excommunicated. I'm not sure if he ever returned to full fellowship, but that was between him and the Lord. My bigger concern was what to do with poor Sister Johnson, and the other unfortunate members of my ward who were violated without their knowledge. After much prayer and fasting I determined that they had no need to repent for tasting the forbidden fruit of Henry's little factory, for they knew not what they did. I forgave them, and I am comfortable in my mercy, for Sister Johnson and the other faithful sheep of my ward remained faithful to the end.

Let us all live moral and clean lives, and remember to keep your hands off your little factories.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen

Sincerely,

Boyd K. Packer