I will try not to offend!

[_David A. Bednar]

Good day to you all, my brothers and sisters. I see that my fellow brother, Boyd, has already registered and made several visits with you here recently. Oh how I so fervently desire that you would follow his counsel. Brother Oaks was wrong about Brother Packer. He is not a grizzly bear. Rather, he is like a cute, cuddly teddy bear. I just want to give him a big hug whenever I see him.

After prayerfully inquiring of the Lord as to whom I might be able to assist in bringing back into the fold, I was impressed to visit you, as well.

In our weekly meetings in the temple, the brethren often get online and witness first-hand how far some of our brothers and sisters have strayed from the one true path that leads to happiness and fulfillment in this life. It breaks our hearts. Message boards will not save you. They are the tool of Satan and participation on such boards will lead you into diverse temptations. Yes, even into sin.

Brothers and Sisters, the Church is perfect, even if the members are not. What is right and godly, in one circumstance, may not be so in another. That is one of the great truths and mysteries (among so many others) that our Prophet Joseph restored to the world. This principle of godly, moral relativity was one of the truths lost through the great apostasy. Oh how marvelous it is to have prophets on the earth today.

I am sure some, if not most of you, because of your unholy addiction to message boards, failed to listen to the last General Conference. So, I want to reiterate the message I gave at the conference once again. It is clear that you have taken offense to some action or words from other another. To take offense is sin. You must repent.

“Because someone at church offended you, you have not been blessed by the ordinance of the sacrament. You have withdrawn yourself from the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost. Because someone at church offended you, you have cut yourself off from priesthood ordinances and the holy temple. You have discontinued your opportunity to serve others and to learn and grow. And you are leaving barriers that will impede the spiritual progress of your children, and your children's children ‘even unto the third and fourth generations’ that will follow."

I am sure that if you were to think about this, even for a moment, while that next page is uploading, you would respond: "I have never thought about it that way."

Sometimes the truth is so simple.

I counsel you to stop being offended now! “In many instances, choosing to be offended is a symptom of a much deeper and more serious spiritual malady.” That spiritual malady comes from not understanding the principle of godly, moral relativity that Joseph taught us in his letter to Ms. Rigdon. The moral relativity rampant in the real world around us is merely a counterfeit of this great, grand, even god-given principle.

The Church is the latter-day learning laboratory where you can best come to understand this principle. Do not take offense at my words! [C]hoose not to be offended—[but, rather] to say along with your dear brother, Pahoran, "it mattereth not." Amen.

[_desert_vulture]

After prayerfully inquiring of the Lord as to whom I might be able to assist in bringing back into the fold, I was impressed to visit you, as well.

David, my boy, grow up. I know you received a rank advancement recently because you named a building after Hinckley, but that doesn't really score points for you much in the afterlife. Focus on being honest. Focus on telling THE WHOLE truth. When you make these visits to us, you really are being directed by the Lord. Maybe something you read here could affect you in such a way as to realize that we are not the lost souls, you are. The best thing you could do would be to learn about how the racist, misogynist, violent, antiquated organization that you represent has misrepresented the truth of its origins to the entire membership. The next thing you could do would be to determine that a policy of official denial is detrimental to the organization, and commence a policy of open and honest discourse. The third area to focus energy on is the vast resources of the church should be used to help the world's impoverished population, and NOT real estate developments in Salt Lake. The Lord is far more concerned with his children in all countries on the planet, than he is with the pettiness of controlling vast amounts of commercial income producing real estate. It seems that you and the twelve (15) are bent on a path of selling your souls for a mess of pottage.

If you follow my advice in those three areas, you will actually turn out to be a leader rather than a follower, and will have meaning in people's lives. Forget about the earrings and tattoos. Focus on actually helping people in a meaningful way.

-DV

[_David A. Bednar]

After prayerfully inquiring of the Lord as to whom I might be able to assist in bringing back into the fold, I was impressed to visit you, as well.

David, my boy, grow up. I know you received a rank advancement recently because you named a building after Hinckley, but that doesn't really score points for you much in the afterlife. Focus on being honest. Focus on telling THE WHOLE truth. When you make these visits to us, you really are being directed by the Lord. Maybe something you read here could affect you in such a way as to realize that we are not the lost souls, you are. The best thing you could do would be to learn about how the racist, misogynist, violent, antiquated organization that you represent has misrepresented the truth of its origins to the entire membership. The next thing you could do would be to determine that a policy of official denial is detrimental to the organization, and commence a policy of open and honest discourse. The third area to focus energy on is the vast resources of the church should be used to help the world's impoverished population, and NOT real estate developments in Salt Lake. The Lord is far more concerned with his children in all countries on the planet, than he is with the pettiness of controlling vast amounts of commercial income producing real estate. It seems that you and the twelve (15) are bent on a path of selling your souls for a mess of pottage.

If you follow my advice in those three areas, you will actually turn out to be a leader rather than a follower, and will have meaning in people's lives. Forget about the earrings and tattoos. Focus on actually helping people in a meaningful way.

-DV

My dear brother deseret_vulture,

I'm sure that you are one of the ones I was prompted to connect with. If you would like, I would be happy to meet, together with your bishop, and sit and talk. I have done this literally hundreds and hundreds of times with saints who have been offended by someone at church. They have always seen how simple the solution is to their anger and pain. Come, lets break bread together, my brother.

I am not sure what the WHOLE TRUTH is that you are alluding to? You must be talking about the MMM. Every inactive member brings that up with me. I think Pres. Hinckley covered all that at the memorial.

And I can refer you to Pres. Packer's speech that some true things just aren't that useful. It is really that simple.

We have commenced a policy of open discourse. That is why I am here visiting with you. In fact, I am willing to give you any information that you desire, if you promise to come back to the fold. How is that for a good deal?

About the real estate deal: cleanliness is next to godliness. By cleaning up the downtown, we are bringing the spirit of the Lord back to Main Street, as it was when Brigham ruled the roost. Doesn't that make sense to you?

I should mention as well that we are even thinking of turning Brother Brigham back around so that he actually has his hand out to the temple and his back to the bank. It is being prayerfully considered by the twelve (15 or whatever).

Now, that is some kind of progress, is it not? No more focus on earrings and such. We are getting back to the fundamentals, as former Prophet Ezra Taft Benson warned during his ministry.

I am happy to share more with you and the others. I thank you heartily for the mighty fine welcome to the board. I think I might just start fitting in here. I may have misjudged you initially. Keep letting Marg have it, will you? She's been a thorn in our side for a long time.

[_David A. Bednar]

I see my dear Brother, Boyd, is here online now. Welcome back Boyd! Seems like a good crowd here.

[_harmony]

ROTFL. Oh my. If we actually had dancing bananas, this is definitely the thread for them.

[_The Dude]

I see my dear Brother, Boyd, is here online now. Welcome back Boyd! Seems like a good crowd here.

Hey Dave,

You became a big pooh-bah apostle after I quit watching conference alltogether. Why don't you include a picture of yourself like Boyd does for his avatar so I know what you look like?

Thanks

[_David A. Bednar]

ROTFL. Oh my. If we actually had dancing bananas, this is definitely the thread for them.

I don't know anything about "dancing bananas" my dear sister. Are you referring to FARMS, by any chance?

Anyway, you seem to be in a good mood. Bless you. Isn't it marvelous (this new-fangled technology, I mean)?

When you get down, I'm sure "the dude" has something to keep your spirits up (wink, wink). You know what I mean, right?

[_David A. Bednar]

I see my dear Brother, Boyd, is here online now. Welcome back Boyd! Seems like a good crowd here.

Hey Dave,

You became a big pooh-bah apostle after I quit watching conference alltogether. Why don't you include a picture of yourself like Boyd does for his avatar so I know what you look like?

Thanks

Well, "the dude". I am not a "big pooh-bah apostle." Not yet, anyway. But, I have a lot of time to get there, what with my tenure here as an apostle, and all.

I figured you were one of those who missed my message last conference. Don't let that suspension turn you into a nasty critic. Remember, it's all in the tone, the tone. And always remember the moral relativity principle restored through Brother Joseph. What is good for one message board may not be good for another. See, it is so simple!

About the avatar. My wife is a big fan of Jeff Bridges. We really loved the movie, Against All Odds, (the edited one, that is.) We refuse to watch anything by the Cohen brothers. They are definitely terrestial material in our book. I also liked, however, the woman in Against All Odds, now that I think of it. And the theme song. We are big Phil Collins fans. Doesn't that guy just rock? (See. We young apostles are hip, no?)

Anyway, we are meeting right now (the fifteen of the Quorum of the 12) together to figure out this Adobe program. We have a hard time sizing our pictures to fit the board's requirements. Boyd is running us through the steps. Perhaps your mods can help us out?

Speaking of mods, I kind of like your moderators, by the way. I imagine Liz looks a lot like that actress in Against All Odds.

And it seems like the Dr. and you like to wear sunglasses. What are you guys hiding, anyway?

It seems that many members of the church are now coming to sacrament meeting wearing sunglasses, of all things. What's up with that? Why, just last month, I was in Jamaica, visiting a small branch there, and, can you believe it, the Branch President was wearing sunglasses, while presiding over the meeting.

Pres. Hinckley is thinking we need to ban those things. Jesus didn't wear them. So, why should our members need to wear them? Are they hiding something, do you think? But I like the members in Jamaica. They are totally in the spirit there. They call it "being laid back." Whatever, it is, they are doing things right.

Thanks for taking the time out of your busy research schedule to pop in and say "Hi." As I mentioned to deseret_vulture, we are trying to turn over a new leaf. Don't you think the idea of turning Brother Brigham around is a good idea?

May the Lord be with you, my dear brother. I am sure we will have time to chat again in the not too distant future.

[_The Dude]

Well, "the dude". I am not a "big pooh-bah apostle." Not yet, anyway. But, I have a lot of time to get there, what with my tenure here as an apostle, and all.

I figured you were one of those who missed my message last conference. Don't let that suspension turn you into a nasty critic. Remember, it's all in the tone, the tone. And always remember the moral relativity principle restored through Brother Joseph. What is good for one message board may not be good for another. See, it is so simple!

About the avatar.... Anyway, we are meeting right now (the fifteen of the Quorum of the 12) together to figure out this Adobe program. We have a hard time sizing our pictures to fit the board's requirements. Boyd is running us through the steps. Perhaps your mods can help us out?

Forget Adobe. Just go to your search engine, search for your name under "images," and then select one that suits you and that isn't too large. This one might be nice:



Now go to your profile and down at the very last window, where it says link to off-site avatar, insert this link:
http://josephsmith.net/Static%20Images/ ... nar_TH.jpg

And there you have it! I'm a big fan of avatars, as they help me keep track of who is who. Otherwise you pooh-bah apostles are all the same.

Now how 'bout you go over to that MAD board and put in a good word for me ahead of my return tomorrow. One or more of the mods have decided to view my posts uncharitably and cynically, even supposting I want to be punished. But I don't think it's fair for them to treat this like sadomasochistic game, since we have not worked out any safe words at this time. Certainly you can see the wisdom of such things. Maybe you can get the MAD mods to change their attitude.

[_desert_vulture]

We have commenced a policy of open discourse. That is why I am here visiting with you. In fact, I am willing to give you any information that you desire, if you promise to come back to the fold. How is that for a good deal?

If I put this delicately I would say that "your gift of discernment is not providing you with accurate information." But for effect, and hopefully to influence you, I will say it bluntly. "David, you head is squarely up your ass." I know the truth is hard to bear. I do not have to "come back" to the "fold" for I never left. I am the gospel doctrine teacher in my ward, and am a home teacher. My Bishop's gift of discernment is also gone on vacation, I am sure, because if he knew the heretical concepts I hold dear and true, he would probably run me out of the building. Instead, he's put the criminal in charge of the prison, so to speak. Nice gig, eh? So, I really don't have to come back to anything, I have never left. I go to church every week, and everybody there thinks I'm a nice little TBM. I say the "right" things, I act the "right" way. I'm righteous, right? I don't know how so many s***heads could be so duped into thinking I believe all of this cockamamie b***s***, but they do. Maybe its my big smile, flashing them my pearly whites, and my wonderful little haircut just like yours. Or maybe its the perfectly trimmed goatee. I really don't know. But none of the the leadership in my ward or stake really can see that underneath my sweet exterior, is a raging apostate waiting to escape. Nobody. Maybe they just don't give a s***. So, the only deal I would like to make with you is for you to not give any more b***s*** conference talks that focus on earrings or any of that s***. You got me, punkin?

I should mention as well that we are even thinking of turning Brother Brigham back around so that he actually has his hand out to the temple and his back to the bank. It is being prayerfully considered by the twelve (15 or whatever).

You do what you have to do to keep up the good PR for the church, OK? "There stands Brigham high on his perch, with his hand to the bank, and his back to the church." Wasn't that cannonized in the D&C? And if so, how can the Brethren dismiss it as only a couplet? I've quoted it many a time, in explaining to non-members that the only real interests of the Mormon church are financial. Spirituality is a waste of time, right Brother Bednar? Much better to judge someone on the outward appearance.

[MODERATOR NOTE: Please do not use the "s" word in the Terrestrial (or Celestial) Forum. If you must use it, please do so only in the Telestial Forum.

Thanks in advance.]