Becoming a "Countermopologist"

[_Runtu]

I've told my "exit from Mormonism" story, but few people know how I became a countermopologist (to borrow a term).

Nothing had been going right in my life, and I was feeling both restless and depressed. One Saturday morning, as I watched "Family Matters" (man, that Urkel dude is hysterical), I saw a commercial that would change my life.

"Are you antisocial? Do you feel like the world owes you? Are you tired of people telling you to stop feeling sorry for yourself? Don't let people tell you there's something wrong with you. You're special, and you may have what it takes to be a countermopologist. Here at Countermo Training Registry (CTR), we help you take these qualities and turn them into an exciting career knocking down a successful, life-changing religion.

I knew I wanted in, so I called the number (1-866-IMBITTER) and spoke to the operator, a friendly soul named Amber, who told me I sounded perfect. I paid my $25 deposit with my credit card, and a few days later I received a glossy packet of information. They offered everything from health insurance and a 401(k) to free refills of bile and bitter gall and all-expenses-paid trips to Utah to picket general conference. It sounded too good to be true.

The meeting took place in a conference room at the Holiday Inn. At first there were about 30 of us, but they screened out people with morals and ethics (you know, the ones who believe in right and wrong and stuff like that) and people who said they sought truth (morons). Next we had to take a test on Mormon history and doctrine, and those who did too well were shown the door (extra points were given to those of us who refused to take the test and instead attacked the character and competence of the examiner).

We spent the rest of the day learning stock phrases such as "he put what in his hat?" and "the DNA is the nail in the coffin," learning the art of using ellipses and manipulating sources, and practicing being sincere.

At the end of the day, after a rather inspiring ceremony during which we donned robes and summoned Old Scratch, we had our picture taken with Bill Keller, and then received our diplomas and a Countermopologist Kit:

A signed copy of Walter Martin's Kingdom of the Cults
A Sharpie for drawing pentagrams
A beautifully framed and personalized "atrocity story" (there were three to choose from)

With my training complete, I was ready to register on MADB and start my career sneering at believers.

[_Pokatator]

Wow all that for 25 bucks, I've got 25 bucks, where do I sign up? The Kingdom of the Cults almost costs that much, and autographed! Do you get a title or an acronym to put behind your name?

[_Some Schmo]

There were a few times I was reading that thinking, "What is this again...? How he became a mopologist?"

Pretty funny dude.

Unfortunately, you'll never be as good at destroying people's faith as the apologists are. Sorry.

[_Runtu]

There were a few times I was reading that thinking, "What is this again...? How he became a mopologist?"

Pretty funny dude.

Unfortunately, you'll never be as good at destroying people's faith as the apologists are. Sorry.

That's the funny thing. I have never once tried to destroy anyone's faith, but no matter. I'm a "critic," so I must be evil.

Glad you liked it. :)

[_silentkid]

free refills of bile and bitter gall

My favorite part.

[_Runtu]

free refills of bile and bitter gall

My favorite part.

Be sure to bring your 44-ounce mug. :-)

[_maklelan]

There were a few times I was reading that thinking, "What is this again...? How he became a mopologist?"

Pretty funny dude.

Unfortunately, you'll never be as good at destroying people's faith as the apologists are. Sorry.

That's the funny thing. I have never once tried to destroy anyone's faith, but no matter. I'm a "critic," so I must be evil.

Glad you liked it. :)

I wouldn't say that. There's a difference between a critic and a cynic. A critic tries to think critically and can point out the good with the bad, like you do. Now if we look below we find a cynic, one who could care less about the good and is interested only in propagating their own opinion.

There were a few times I was reading that thinking, "What is this again...? How he became a mopologist?"

Pretty funny dude.

Unfortunately, you'll never be as good at destroying people's faith as the apologists are. Sorry.

[_Runtu]

I wouldn't say that. There's a difference between a critic and a cynic. A critic tries to think critically and can point out the good with the bad, like you do.

Thanks. I appreciate that. I've appreciated your approach here and value your input. A few people do not share your opinion, but that's OK. We do what we do, and hope for the best.