Becoming a "Countermopologist"
Posted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 11:26 am
I've told my "exit from Mormonism" story, but few people know how I became a countermopologist (to borrow a term).
Nothing had been going right in my life, and I was feeling both restless and depressed. One Saturday morning, as I watched "Family Matters" (man, that Urkel dude is hysterical), I saw a commercial that would change my life.
"Are you antisocial? Do you feel like the world owes you? Are you tired of people telling you to stop feeling sorry for yourself? Don't let people tell you there's something wrong with you. You're special, and you may have what it takes to be a countermopologist. Here at Countermo Training Registry (CTR), we help you take these qualities and turn them into an exciting career knocking down a successful, life-changing religion.
I knew I wanted in, so I called the number (1-866-IMBITTER) and spoke to the operator, a friendly soul named Amber, who told me I sounded perfect. I paid my $25 deposit with my credit card, and a few days later I received a glossy packet of information. They offered everything from health insurance and a 401(k) to free refills of bile and bitter gall and all-expenses-paid trips to Utah to picket general conference. It sounded too good to be true.
The meeting took place in a conference room at the Holiday Inn. At first there were about 30 of us, but they screened out people with morals and ethics (you know, the ones who believe in right and wrong and stuff like that) and people who said they sought truth (morons). Next we had to take a test on Mormon history and doctrine, and those who did too well were shown the door (extra points were given to those of us who refused to take the test and instead attacked the character and competence of the examiner).
We spent the rest of the day learning stock phrases such as "he put what in his hat?" and "the DNA is the nail in the coffin," learning the art of using ellipses and manipulating sources, and practicing being sincere.
At the end of the day, after a rather inspiring ceremony during which we donned robes and summoned Old Scratch, we had our picture taken with Bill Keller, and then received our diplomas and a Countermopologist Kit:
A signed copy of Walter Martin's Kingdom of the Cults
A Sharpie for drawing pentagrams
A beautifully framed and personalized "atrocity story" (there were three to choose from)
With my training complete, I was ready to register on MADB and start my career sneering at believers.
Nothing had been going right in my life, and I was feeling both restless and depressed. One Saturday morning, as I watched "Family Matters" (man, that Urkel dude is hysterical), I saw a commercial that would change my life.
"Are you antisocial? Do you feel like the world owes you? Are you tired of people telling you to stop feeling sorry for yourself? Don't let people tell you there's something wrong with you. You're special, and you may have what it takes to be a countermopologist. Here at Countermo Training Registry (CTR), we help you take these qualities and turn them into an exciting career knocking down a successful, life-changing religion.
I knew I wanted in, so I called the number (1-866-IMBITTER) and spoke to the operator, a friendly soul named Amber, who told me I sounded perfect. I paid my $25 deposit with my credit card, and a few days later I received a glossy packet of information. They offered everything from health insurance and a 401(k) to free refills of bile and bitter gall and all-expenses-paid trips to Utah to picket general conference. It sounded too good to be true.
The meeting took place in a conference room at the Holiday Inn. At first there were about 30 of us, but they screened out people with morals and ethics (you know, the ones who believe in right and wrong and stuff like that) and people who said they sought truth (morons). Next we had to take a test on Mormon history and doctrine, and those who did too well were shown the door (extra points were given to those of us who refused to take the test and instead attacked the character and competence of the examiner).
We spent the rest of the day learning stock phrases such as "he put what in his hat?" and "the DNA is the nail in the coffin," learning the art of using ellipses and manipulating sources, and practicing being sincere.
At the end of the day, after a rather inspiring ceremony during which we donned robes and summoned Old Scratch, we had our picture taken with Bill Keller, and then received our diplomas and a Countermopologist Kit:
A signed copy of Walter Martin's Kingdom of the Cults
A Sharpie for drawing pentagrams
A beautifully framed and personalized "atrocity story" (there were three to choose from)
With my training complete, I was ready to register on MADB and start my career sneering at believers.