Top 100 Reasons why GBH is smiling...
Posted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 1:37 am
I wrote these up while watching a hockey game some months ago for the RFM board. I have to admit, I was kind of disappointed when it didn't get many hits. Maybe they're not that funny. But in case some are, here they are for anyone who needs a chuckle. I'd be especially interested to hear whether any members laugh in spite of themselves!
Anyway, here goes.
Top One Hundred Reasons Why Gordon B. Hinckley Is Smiling
100.) Pretty sure that because Willard's a member, it's okay to watch Marriott pornos
99.) Mormon entrant Dan Peterson recently won local "Inter-denominational Whistling Belly Button Contest" for the 18th year in a row
98.) Uchtdorf's Hitler impression during last GA prayer circle "brought the house down"
97.) At least he doesn't have to wear that big goofy hat like the Pope
96.) Thinks he remembers now where he put his long-missing upper lip
95.) Woodruff got Washington, Madison, and Jefferson - but as of last Tuesday, Hinck's got Hendrix, Bonham, and Cobain (vicarious temple work joke)
94.) Suitcoat hankie actually a large nicotine patch
93.) No matter how much Mormons suck, J Dubs will always suck more
92.) Feels surge of power whenever he recalls that new Conference Center pulpit was made out of tree he personally ordered chopped down
91.) Focus groups raving over new sacrament emblems: Twinkies and O'Doul's
90.) A "hot young thang" - only 89 years old - recognized him at the grocery store last week
89.) "Man's Search for Happiness" way funnier than new Borat movie
88.) As part of new conference center construction, had underground GA tunnels extended to Salt Lake strip joint "Northern Exposure"
87.) Finally got Jan Shipps' annual secret salary down to under $200,000
86.) New car Porsche 911 Carerra "hauls like a motherf****r!"
85.) Finally "joined 'em" and started popping anti-depressants like millions of other miserable people in his church
84.) After reviewing latest Crossroads Mall figures in weekly private meeting, Satan, Prince of Darkness, announced excitedly he "hadn't been as happy with a Mormon prophet since Joseph himself!"
83.) Former Harvard Business School Dean Kim Clark has accepted transfer from presidency of BYU-Idaho, to overseeing church-run dog pound in Nogales, Mexico.
82.) As hoped for, low notes of new conference center organ produce pleasing "pubic vibrations" in GA seats during conference
81.) Monson's devotional puppet shows at GA meetings getting better and better
80.) Contract offer of "unlimited Krispy Kreme expense account" wrapped up FARMS staff for another three year term
79.) Mike Quinn's life now all but ruined: ha ha ha
78.) Hasn't bought forged documents off of a sociopathic serial killer in over two decades
77.) No one's figured out Spencer Kinnard's been locked in First Presidency vault since sex scandal
76.) Just heard word that a THIRD "negro" might be thinking of joining the church
75.) Judging from "Rough Stone Rolling", covert Bushman brain removal operation a stunning success
74.) Cane actually a giant tazer to keep Packer under control during quorum meetings
73.) Still feels good he had Paul Dunn assassinated for embarrassing the church
72.) Church software engineers promise that new chip implanted in android Richard G. Scott will liven up his godawful conference talks
71.) Sorenson just called; says he has identified a drawing found on bathroom stall in Mexico City bus terminal as "absolutely without question either a cumom or a curelom"
70.) Slipped in bathtub - that proves Satan really does control the water
69.) After 14 years of trying, finally pronounced "Chieko Okazaki" correctly last Thursday
68.) New plan to incorporate fast food drive-thru in new mini-temples promises to bring in millions
67.) The Marie Osmond confessionals are better than any Jerry Springer episode
66.) Proposal to replace current temple outfits with "individual Halloween costume of choice" finally approved by Quorum of the Twelve
65.) Decision to start accepting tithes on money from drug dealing and prostitution brings church policy in line with accepting tithing on Marriott's porno money
64.) The Lord is obviously preparing troubled Terrell Owens to receive the gospel
63.) Still happy that bitch Martha Stewart got what she deserved
62.) Feels pretty sure that Jesus is telling him to replace all temple Moronis with golden statue of his Irish terrier, Skippy
61.) Glad someone like Mel finally "had the guts to tell the truth about those stiffnecked Jews"
60.) Had original secret temple name changed to "Zelig", after movie character he most identifies with (http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Cl ... zelig.html)
59.) After Jeff Nielsen affair, feels confident no member will ever make the mistake of thinking independently again
58.) Now a "big fan" of Ted Haggard after learning some great new lying techniques from him
57.) Will now get to see that babe Pelosi on TV way more often
56.) Last shipment of "BC Bud" was "totally choice"
55.) Special prayer last year in Holy of Holies that Paula Abdul be invited back on to American Idol was answered
54.) Thinks FARMS is headed up by "world-renowned scholars"
53.) Gets 24 hour access to Joseph's sex toys collection in First Presidency vault
52.) Kicked Perry's ass in latest GA "Wolfenstein 3D" video game round-robin tourney
51.) Privately-circulated pamphlet "Lying for the Lord", co-authored by him and Bob Millett, receiving rave reviews from fellow GAs, as well as from independent reviewers like Dan Lafferty, Jimmy Swaggart, and Ted Haggard
50.) "Mike Wallace likes me - he really likes me!"
49.) New multi-million dollar temple movie starring all-nude Salma Hayek as Eve sure to boost sagging temple attendance
48.) Jennings' church-rigged "Jeopardy" run gave church best publicity in years
47.) Anti-shoplifiting spy-cams in Crossroads Mall yielding lots of great footage from female bathrooms
46.) Old-time mustard poultices doing WAY more now for diaper rash than Monson's "useless" priesthood blessings
45.) Finds GA's weekly human-sacrifice occult ritual under the Salt Lake Temple "totally hilarious!"
44.) Church fumigators finally able to rid conference center of rank old folk's home smell
43.) Recently learned the middle names of his children after being mostly away on church business while they were growing up
42.) New revelation: "just one earring per ear" rule now replaced by new "just one ear" rule ("although we do leave it up to the individual sister to decide which ear she would like to keep")
41.) New requirement that all sister guides on Temple Square receive double D breast implants from church surgeons already spiking conversion rates
40.) "Bednar's my bitch!"
39.) Feels his about-to-be-canonized addition of mustache, glasses and a Boston Red Sox cap to "the idolatrous priest of Elkenah"'s head in Facsimile One is a "huge improvement"
38.) His plan to deliver next conference address in Speedy Gonzales-style Mexican accent sure to do wonders for latino member morale
37.) Son Richard was called to be a GA "completely by revelation" - thank you Jesus!
36.) Can't wait to try Joseph's "Heber and Vilate Kimball" loyalty-test sex trick out on Oaks' hot new wife Kristin
35.) Secret bid for Seagram's International moving along very nicely
34.) FARMS already has rationale for Seagram's takeover ready to go: something about "there must needs be opposition in all things", "'alcohol' does not always mean 'alcohol'", and "nothing in the Word of Wisdom prohibits 'everyday business transactions'"...
33.) Bribes to BYU accreditation committee stave off embarrassment for another year
32.) Mounting resignations and declining growth rates prove he's doing a great job, since it just means church membership is being "purified"
31.) Forthcoming Ensign piece on the sexual tension between Brooks and Dunn sure to help bring back disaffected gay Mormon cowboys
30.) Just received Alzheimer-induced revelation stipulating that all members henceforth refer to him as "Colonel Kurtz"
29). Having himself polygamously sealed "for time and all eternity" to old-time Hollywood hotties Mary Pickford, Lilian Gish, and Clara Bow next Monday at 9:00 AM; suicide planned for Monday, 9:12 AM; first spirit world "conjugal visit" to all three scheduled for Monday, 9:12 and a half.
28.) Reinstituting BYU electro-shock therapy, this time for those suspected of voting Democrat in mid-term elections
27.) Cross-dressing in private makes him "happy as a freshly-shucked clam in white wine sauce"
26.) Gladys came over last Monday night for "Funkadelic Home Evening", and taught him how to "get his freak on"; (now knows for sure that "once you try black, you ain't never goin' back!").
25.) Has Romney by the gerbils
24.) Sister Samantha, personal nurse, really getting good at the "laying on of hands" during catheter changes
23.) KSL as per his demands once again airing favourite "BJ and the Bear" reruns
22.) Now secretly *enjoys* listing occupation as "cynical leader of sick, fraudulent cult" on census form
21.) Weekly GA hide-and-seek games way funner now that he's authorized playing in after-hours Salt Lake Temple
20.) No one so much as suspects he poisoned Benson and Hunter
19.) Plans finalized for "MegaloMormonLand" $800 billion dollar theme park featuring 200 foot statue of himself in front, sporting "aw shucks" impish grin and favourite cane
18.) Favourite band Rammstein just added Salt Lake City to their tour itinerary
17.) Never has to listen to a "mixed-up moronic masturbatory" Maxwell talk ever again
16.) New Book of Mormon edition comprised of 400 totally blank pages sure to silence anachronism-hunting critics
15.) Managed to keep straight face during publicity tour interviews for "Standing for Something"
14.) No longer has to listen to Marjorie's incessant nagging about Playboys on back of toilet
13.) "Felt inspired" to judge that in his own case, a nip of brandy every morning was "medicinally required"
12.) Developed new hand-shadow that looks just like Jeffrey "Jowls" Holland in profile
11.) Thrilled at latest FARMS theory, "The UNlimited Geography Theory", which states that "new textual research indicates that Book of Mormon events did not necessarily even transpire on planet earth, or even within our own galaxy".
10.) Made $14,000 bucks last week playing online Texas Hold 'Em
9.) As part of new "Project Babylon" research program, felt himself duty bound to watch the entire "Girls Gone Wild" series - and ol' Lazarus rose from the dead
8.) Still has no idea favourite singer Freddie Mercury was "gay as a French trombone"
7.) Thinking of replacing somber prayer-circle temple ritual with choreographed dance sequence set to Toni Basil's "Mickey"
6.) Pretty sure chronic Sabbath-violator (and non-mission-server) football star Steve Young will be joining the Mormon church any day now
5.) Now so old that "I don't know" claims sound more like senile dementia than the deliberate lies they really are
4.) With appointment of Bednar and Uchtdorf, average age of Mormon General Authority has plummeted to 83
3.) New Shakespearean roadshow idea "Titus Negronicus", starring Gladys Knight and Thurl Bailey, sure to boost church popularity in the hood
2.) Backing away from nearly every last item of Mormon doctrine has made the whole thing so much easier to believe in
1.) Knows, but isn't telling
Adios,
Tal