A Square Peg in a Round Hole
Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 2:16 am
In my house right now there is a gaggle of thirteen year old girls downstairs discussing abortion, same sex marriage, sex, politics, religion, and the war in Iraq. Of course, there's been a game of truth or dare and plenty of make-overs, as there are at any slumber party, but my daughter's party is unlike any I ever had as a young Mormon girl. I would have loved to discuss those things openly, but there was no way my mother would have let me. I was more interested in politics than make-up and in winning than being passive, but I was taught those interests weren't really appropriate for me. I was a square peg but all Mormonism had for girls were round holes. I know others may have had different experiences, but I can only relate mine, and my experience was one of being told that my entire personality and what I wanted in my life was unacceptable to God. It wasn't in the plan for a righteous Mormon woman to chose education and career over children, which is what I would have naturally preferred. In fact, I said innumerable times as a teenager that I didn't want any kids and that I wanted to be a History professor. My mom would tell me not to say such things and the Young Women's leader to whom I confided my wishes to not have kids told me it was my purpose in life to bring spirits to the earth and that was a part of the covenants I had made in the pre-existence.
My mother wanted me to be educated, but insisted I should be educated so that I could support my family in case my future husband ever couldn't. I was never taught that education for the sake of simply being educated was worthwhile and I was never encouraged to reach for goals that would fulfill my needs and mesh with my personality. I can be very stubborn and unyielding, but when I do something I want to do it right and be the best, so I determined to fit my square peg into the round hole of Mormonism and be the best damn Mormon I could be, so instead of accepting the various scholarships that had been awarded to me, I married the first worthy guy I ever dated at the young age of eighteen because I thought it was the right thing to do.
I lived in the "mission field" and worthy, attractive, go-getters were few and far between so when I felt instantly attracted to Tom and learned he was a strong Priesthood holder (now I realize he's just more controlling than most guys and an Alpha Male type), I accepted his offer of marriage. I loved him, and I still do, but marrying at the age of eighteen to a guy I barely knew probably wasn't the best idea, but it got me out of a bad home situation and into an eternal marriage, which I knew was what God wanted for me. We both soon learned we each weren't what the other was expecting, but we've made a go of it for almost seventeen years and I don't regret our marriage, though I do believe things would have been very different if I hadn't been raised Mormon with all the expectations that go along with it.
I had children, and was pregnant too many times, but I was determined to be the best Mormon woman, wife and mother in the world. I'm the type of person that likes to win and be in charge, so I fought those urges and attempted to be docile and submissive, though I often failed. Strangely, my efforts to be Super Mormon in a way fed my need to be validated and victorious. Everyone in the ward thought I was Super Mom and Super Wife, and I was. But inside I was deeply unhappy and unsatisfied with my life. I felt like I was getting dumber by the day. I lacked intellectual stimulation. I lived my life through my kids by teaching them voraciously so they'd be the most intelligent girls in school, and they were (and still are!). But pretending to be someone I wasn't and being pigeonholed by Mormonism into a role that wasn't really made for me was killing my spirit. I was dying inside.
Now that I've left Mormonism, I've become more of my true assertive self and that has thrown my husband for a loop. He had glimpses of my stubbornness and unyielding "red" personality before, but he never lived with it full time like he does now. My daughters think I'm great now that I'm no longer Mormon and I love to see them grow and experience freedoms I never had. They have no body shame. They're smart and have the freedom to marry or not marry, to have children or not have children, to be smarter than the boys and win at everything if they're so inclined (which they are), and I'm very proud of them. They will never be shoved into a prefab hole that doesn't fit them. I thank my lucky stars every day that my daughters aren't Mormon girls.
I'd better check those girls. I think Courtney's gathering signatures for a pro-gay marriage petition. Her very conservative daddy is going to blow a gasket!
KA
My mother wanted me to be educated, but insisted I should be educated so that I could support my family in case my future husband ever couldn't. I was never taught that education for the sake of simply being educated was worthwhile and I was never encouraged to reach for goals that would fulfill my needs and mesh with my personality. I can be very stubborn and unyielding, but when I do something I want to do it right and be the best, so I determined to fit my square peg into the round hole of Mormonism and be the best damn Mormon I could be, so instead of accepting the various scholarships that had been awarded to me, I married the first worthy guy I ever dated at the young age of eighteen because I thought it was the right thing to do.
I lived in the "mission field" and worthy, attractive, go-getters were few and far between so when I felt instantly attracted to Tom and learned he was a strong Priesthood holder (now I realize he's just more controlling than most guys and an Alpha Male type), I accepted his offer of marriage. I loved him, and I still do, but marrying at the age of eighteen to a guy I barely knew probably wasn't the best idea, but it got me out of a bad home situation and into an eternal marriage, which I knew was what God wanted for me. We both soon learned we each weren't what the other was expecting, but we've made a go of it for almost seventeen years and I don't regret our marriage, though I do believe things would have been very different if I hadn't been raised Mormon with all the expectations that go along with it.
I had children, and was pregnant too many times, but I was determined to be the best Mormon woman, wife and mother in the world. I'm the type of person that likes to win and be in charge, so I fought those urges and attempted to be docile and submissive, though I often failed. Strangely, my efforts to be Super Mormon in a way fed my need to be validated and victorious. Everyone in the ward thought I was Super Mom and Super Wife, and I was. But inside I was deeply unhappy and unsatisfied with my life. I felt like I was getting dumber by the day. I lacked intellectual stimulation. I lived my life through my kids by teaching them voraciously so they'd be the most intelligent girls in school, and they were (and still are!). But pretending to be someone I wasn't and being pigeonholed by Mormonism into a role that wasn't really made for me was killing my spirit. I was dying inside.
Now that I've left Mormonism, I've become more of my true assertive self and that has thrown my husband for a loop. He had glimpses of my stubbornness and unyielding "red" personality before, but he never lived with it full time like he does now. My daughters think I'm great now that I'm no longer Mormon and I love to see them grow and experience freedoms I never had. They have no body shame. They're smart and have the freedom to marry or not marry, to have children or not have children, to be smarter than the boys and win at everything if they're so inclined (which they are), and I'm very proud of them. They will never be shoved into a prefab hole that doesn't fit them. I thank my lucky stars every day that my daughters aren't Mormon girls.
I'd better check those girls. I think Courtney's gathering signatures for a pro-gay marriage petition. Her very conservative daddy is going to blow a gasket!
KA