Babies Getting Married

[_beastie]

My boyfriend's second son has just announced his engagement. He is following in the footsteps of his older brother who get married within a year of returning from his mission. He married a woman he kept breaking up with due to her emotional issues - apparently they resolved those issues somehow. Second son is marrying a woman he's only known as a missionary. She's from a foreign country, he's going to fly over to fetch her.

Boyfriend and I can hardly throw stones. He married a woman he'd only known 2 and a half months. I married a man I knew only three months. We both had miserable marriages (he stuck it out five years, I stuck it out fifteen) to people with serious emotional issues that our short courtships didn't reveal.

But everyone had gotten confirmation from the Lord that these marriages were the right thing to do.

The LDS church is not to blame for all our life's mistakes, but the LDS church does bear some of the blame for this particular popular mistake. Its complete ban on not only sex but private masturbation ensures a population of such sexually frustrated young people that just about any member of the opposite sex looks good. Add to that the teaching that one can make serious life decisions by praying about it, and if you feel good, it's the right thing to do, and you have hasty, STUPID, young marriages.

I do hope that these marriages turn out well, but I'm pretty worried about these kids.

[_beastie]

And, by the way, the contrast to my children, raised by an atheist, is stark. They are just not in a rush - not only not in a rush to get married, but not even in a rush to have serious sexual relationships (or any sexual relationships). Instead of beating it into their heads that God wants them to be virgins and to not touch themselves, I've taught them facts and responsibilities of sexual relationships. I never made them feel ashamed of sexual feelings or masturbation, and didn't freak out when I found porn on their computers. According to the LDS church, my kids are the ones who should be running around with Satan, making horrible life decisions. Funny it hasn't worked out that way.

[_Maxrep]

On the positive side, many more LDS youth in this day are holding off on tying the knot. So much so that I believe one of the aposltes(someone chime in) gave a talk about our young folk. The summation was that they were shirking their adult duties by putting off marriage and starting a family. If the bretheren bring it up, it is an issue!

I'll bet todays youth who are postponing have learned how to get frisky without beating themselves up emotionally :) .

[_Mercury]

On the positive side, many more LDS youth in this day are holding off on tying the knot. So much so that I believe one of the aposltes(someone chime in) gave a talk about our young folk. The summation was that they were shirking their adult duties by putting off marriage and starting a family. If the bretheren bring it up, it is an issue!

I'll bet todays youth who are postponing have learned how to get frisky without beating themselves up emotionally :) .

I think those LDS who wait are on the way out the door. Maybe were just seeing alot of people with one foot in the church and one out of it instead of interpreting this as level headed thinking manifesting itself in young Mormons. They will not be married by 25 and then realise that life is much more fun if you can have sex and not get too emotionally attached. Its just a mtter of time before the birth rate starts dropping and salt lake kicks in a stern warning for the rebellious young adults to start getting married NOW or face eternal consequences.

[_Ray A]

What about all the people who do marry young, in the Church, and remain happily married? Do we have some concrete figures here? What is the ratio of failed to successful marriages? My understanding is that the LDS divorce rate is equal to the US general divorce rate. My mother married at 19, and remained married for 57 years (thanks again to Shades for correcting my appalling math), and I'm talking about the 1930s, when the words "defacto" and "pre-marital sex" were absolutely taboo. There has been one separation and one divorce in my family, the latter "honour" going to me. I understand the situation quite well, but is it really worth worrying about? I gave my children all the freedom they wanted, and all I have seen is a series of broken relationships, and betrayals. Very common today. So is it really all that bad on the LDS front?

[_sunstoned]

My boyfriend's second son has just announced his engagement. He is following in the footsteps of his older brother who get married within a year of returning from his mission. He married a woman he kept breaking up with due to her emotional issues - apparently they resolved those issues somehow. Second son is marrying a woman he's only known as a missionary. She's from a foreign country, he's going to fly over to fetch her.

Boyfriend and I can hardly throw stones. He married a woman he'd only known 2 and a half months. I married a man I knew only three months. We both had miserable marriages (he stuck it out five years, I stuck it out fifteen) to people with serious emotional issues that our short courtships didn't reveal.

But everyone had gotten confirmation from the Lord that these marriages were the right thing to do.

The LDS church is not to blame for all our life's mistakes, but the LDS church does bear some of the blame for this particular popular mistake. Its complete ban on not only sex but private masturbation ensures a population of such sexually frustrated young people that just about any member of the opposite sex looks good. Add to that the teaching that one can make serious life decisions by praying about it, and if you feel good, it's the right thing to do, and you have hasty, STUPID, young marriages.

I do hope that these marriages turn out well, but I'm pretty worried about these kids.

I hope the marriages turn out well also. I have seen so many people (kids) go into marriage quickly because of the enormous peer pressure from the church. I was told by my Mission President that I should have a goal of being engaged within 6 months of my return. This kind of logic is idiotic and potentially very damaging to 20 year old boys who have been taught from day one to always be obedient and follow their priesthood leaders.

I remember something that SWK said. It was along the lines that any two people could make a marriage work as long as they were righteous and really tried. My parent’s marriage is totally like this. Two miserable people who married young and have nothing in common except the desperate hope that God will reward them in the next life for total unquestioning obedience to everything Mormon.

I think it is pathetic that these so called leaders feel the need to exercise so much control over member’s personal lives.

[_Lucretia MacEvil]

I remember something that SWK said. It was along the lines that any two people could make a marriage work as long as they were righteous and really tried. My parent’s marriage is totally like this. Two miserable people who married young and have nothing in common except the desperate hope that God will reward them in the next life for total unquestioning obedience to everything Mormon.

And their reward is being stuck together for the eternities. But Mormons don't see the irony because they assume that once they get to the CK they'll automatically stop squabbling and be eternally blissfull. At least that's what I think is the case with my parents.

[_beastie]

Well, it's not worth worrying about in the sense that there's nothing we can do about it, except hope for the best. Sure, sometimes people who marry someone they barely know at a very young age go on to have very happy marriages, but I saw more unhappy marriages than happy ones in my old ward. When you're too young to exercise good judgment, and when you're marrying someone you barely know, it is really just the luck of the draw. If you're lucky, it will work out. If not, then you have the choice of living in an emotionally dead marriage or going through the trauma of divorce - and that is even more traumatic for believers, for whom divorce signals not only emotional and social failure, but spiritual failure.


I know that when I was on my mission in the 79-81, young men were still being told to get married within a year. For some reason, I thought that MPs had been instructed to back off of that admonition, but maybe I'm wrong. It almost doesn't matter, because they're going to want to get married due to their hormones, anyway.

I was at BYU around the time SWK made statement about any two people who love the Lord could make a marriage work. I remember how our Relief Society presidency wrote his saying in fancy calligraphy on pink paper, rolled it up, put a fake gold "wedding" band to hold it together, and handed them out to all the sisters in the branch. That sums up so much about Mormon culture for a female. All those girls, starry eyed and misty about getting married, feeling like life didn't start until they were married...and these "quickie" marriages were quite common at BYU.

If two people love the Lord more than their own lives and then love each other more than their own lives, working together in total harmony with the gospel program as their basic structure they are sure to have this great happiness.

http://speeches.BYU.edu/reader/reader.php?id=6136

Funny and somewhat pathetic story about my boyfriend and this quote - he went through the temple in Provo, and at that time (it may still be this way) there was a waiting room where sometimes organ music was played, and sometimes talks were given by the temple presidency. On this particular day, some member of the temple presidency was lecturing this group of largely single BYU students about the importance of not delaying marriage, and of not being too picky (BYU young men were often scolded for being picky). He singled out my boyfriend who was on the front row, and pointed to the girl sitting next to him, a total stranger, and said "even these two people, if they love the Lord more than themselves, could make a successful marriage". My boyfriend wanted to run from the room and hide.

I agree that sharing common values is important to a marriage, but the LDS church tends to oversimplify what it takes to have a happy - not just enduring - marriage. It takes more than sharing common values.

[_Ray A]

When you're too young to exercise good judgment, and when you're marrying someone you barely know, it is really just the luck of the draw. If you're lucky, it will work out.

I know this will sound outrageous, but I know quite a few Muslims, and some are good personal friends, and most of them tell me that in their culture "luck of the draw" marriages often work better than long term planned ones.

And I don't need a lecture on how "horrible" Muslim culture is to women (especially in the West where they integrate but keep most of their traditions). This criticism comes mostly from ideologues who never directly interact with Muslims. (On a sidenote, did you know that if a Muslim man leaves his wife he has to pay her $50,000 for upkeep? Even if she remarries.)

[_beastie]

Why would Muslims be defending "luck of the draw" marriages? Is it somehow part of their culture to marry someone you don't really know? I would have expected arranged marriages to be part of their culture, not luck of the draw marriages, and arranged marriages aren't luck of the draw.