Inspiration from Scriptures

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_Some Schmo
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Inspiration from Scriptures

Post by _Some Schmo »

I enjoyed that thread we had a while back where people were writing their own scriptures, so I thought we could have another one with a different challenge: to inspire! (...cause, that's what they're supposed to do, right?)

The following is a passage from the Book of Schmo on the evils of no premarital sex. I hope you'll find it as enlightening as I have:

From the Book of Schmo - Chapter 7, verses 28-35

28. And I did remove mine self from the sheep in which I shepherded, and looked to the apparition in the cloak of rice patties,

29. Why hast thou instructeth me to engage in the sacred ceremony of conception before avowed to mine intended? Doeth that not breaketh the bonds of the vow in preattendance?

30. In standard prose which doth irritate the learned, the rice pattied apparition did answereth the query with yet another,

31. Doeth the farmer of the field seed the Earth before he doth inspect the fertility therein? Doeth the miller grindeth the ore ere he turneth the stone? Doeth the carrier of the skin of pig frolic in celebration before he scoreth the score?

32. For behold, 'tis the onus of all men to find acceptable loin housing ere he commiteth to the house. Putting the carriage before the horse doth only create happiness for the advocate of divisions, for only he doth profit from the loss of others.

33. And I did asketh of the apparition, But what of the sheep I shepherd? Mine energy is not an endless well, and I doeth get spent.

34. And a large voice boometh forth from the apparition of pattied rice, Let thy sheep be sheep, and the horse be horse, and the duck be duck, for coupling doeth best happen among the like!

35. And it came to pass that I did unwrap mine self from the wooly comfort of mine flock, and I did let me sheep volley forth, for I could no longer beareth the burden of their site, for a tear it doeth bring to mine eye.
God belief is for people who don't want to live life on the universe's terms.
_Bond...James Bond
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Post by _Bond...James Bond »

From the Book of Bond

Chp 1

1) In the beginning there Bond, who was without a message board

2) Until one day when surfing the information superhighway he came across Mormondiscussions, foretold of by the Prophet Shades his eyes to see the future and hewed from the rocks by Keene the Technificent

3) And Bond saw a group of people who were quite fun, so he joined them and it was good, he followed the writings of men known as Scratch and prophetesses from Jersey, while laughing at the many funny posters with outlandish names such as Refugee of Vegas and Porter of the Polygamy

4) But something was aching at Bond as he heard from his new group of a strange and mysterious board known by the name FAIR, son of Juliann, who begat MAD, who was an indentical son of FAIR, right down to the unfairness

5) And Bond gazed at the MAD board, and saw that comedic diamonds were among the rough, so he charitably hammered away at the rocks of Pahoran and slyly learned the ways of the MAD posters, learning their intricacies and their unknown comedic acts

6) So he began to imitate the MAD board posters, and the Mormondiscussors saw it and laughed mightly, notably Liz the Dominatrix Hottie, Beastie the MesoAmerican learned Hottie, KimiberlyAnn the Midwestern Hottie, Sailgirl7 the sailing in a desert hottie, Blixa the Professor of New York hottie, and Runtu the Man Candy of all females previously mentioned

7) So Bond continued to write parodies of the MAD posters and he continued to gain followers, until one day they realized that he was actually a sockpuppet of Juliann the unJust, and they stoned Bond with rocks and taco shells

8) And the Mormondiscussors vanquished the evil Bond, and it was good, and they sang and truth danced and ate jelly beans around a barrelomonkeys
"Whatever appears to be against the Book of Mormon is going to be overturned at some time in the future. So we can be pretty open minded."-charity 3/7/07
_Some Schmo
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Post by _Some Schmo »

hehe

From the Book of Schmo - Chapter 2, verses 12-23

12. And the computer begat the network.
13. And the Network begat the Internet.
14. And the Internet begat the message board.
15. And the message board begat topics.
16. And the topics begat posts.
17. And the posts begat more posts.
18. And the posts begat moderator embarrassment.
19. And the moderator embarrassment begat editing.
20. And the editing begat scorn.
21. And the scorn begat bannings.
22. And the bannings begat mormondiscussions.com.
23. And mormondiscussions.com begat much laughter and merriment, yay, even people to say yay.
God belief is for people who don't want to live life on the universe's terms.
_Runtu
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Post by _Runtu »

From the Book of Nancy Rigdon, Chapter XIV:

And yea, the voice of the prophet called unto me saying, Get thee hence to the upper room wherein I might converse with thee, thou comely maiden.

And I did obey the voice of the prophet and did ready myself and make haste to the upper room in his storehouse.

And behold, the prophet did lock the door behind us and place the key in his pocket, thus hedging up the way of my escape. And verily he spake unto me, saying, Behold, mine handmaiden Nancy, it is the will and mind of the Lord that I should take thee for my wife and concubine, that I might know thee and thou mightest lie with me and know me.

And I, being affrighted, did ask, How can this be so, seeing that such things are unlawful?

And verily the prophet pleadeth with me saying, Behold it is a commandment of the Lord. Yea, he hath sent his angel, yea even with a flaming sword, commanding me that I should lie with thee.

And it came to pass that I was troubled in my heart and said unto him, I pray thee, let me counsel with thy wife, even Emma, that I might fulfil this commandment.

Yet spake he unto me, saying, It is not meet that Emma should be made aware of these plain and precious things. What she knoweth not cannot hurt her.

But I was troubled again in my heart and said unto the prophet, My heart rebelleth against me, for the spirit telleth me that such things must not be so.

And behold the prophet was enangered with me saying, Behold, thou hast twenty and four hours to consider my proposal and then it shall be withdrawn forever and thou shalt be left to kick against the pricks in thy loneliness.

And it came to pass that I said unto the prophet that I should converse with my father concerning these things, that he might guide me in paths of righteousness.

And behold, the prophet became seriously pissed and said, If thou breathest a word of this to anyone, thou shalt live to regret it. Behold, I shall destroy thy reputation and it shall become as a fig tree, withered and bearing no fruit.

And I spake unto the prophet and told him where he could put the flaming sword, and I fled.

And it came to pass that the voice of the prophet was heard through the door exclaiming, Damn it! Lost another one!
Runtu's Rincón

If you just talk, I find that your mouth comes out with stuff. -- Karl Pilkington
_barrelomonkeys
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Post by _barrelomonkeys »

Image
_Some Schmo
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Post by _Some Schmo »

From the Book of Schmo - Chapter 14, verses 12-20

12. And I walketh among high men, for they gathered at the pinnacle of tall buildings, and tendeth to partake in the offing smoke of natural spawned weeds.

13. And there was much laughter, yea, even jocularity among men.

14. And they did gorge themselves to purging, and then did gorge themselves again, for the appetite of high men know limits only known to the whales of the sea, and the elephants of the earth, and to Oprah Winfrey.

15. And it came to pass that a man who walketh the tall buildings did say to me, Doth thy see it as well?

16. For no answer became apparent, and I did issue forth a look of much quizziment. Of which doeth thy speak?

17. And the high man did speak to me again, and said, Woe. I thinketh I might commence to purge yet again, for the sites before me cause unbalance to mine stature. And he did retire to the room of purging.

18. And again, it came to pass on the left hand side in the circle of worship.

19. And I did look to the heavens and it was known to me of what the high man speaketh, for a site I had not seen appeared before me, and again, I did issue forth a look of much quizziment.

20. Thus, goodly portions of mine recorded gospels came as a result of these visions, for where I'd had none before, I might record them to those not privy to the high men.
God belief is for people who don't want to live life on the universe's terms.
_gramps
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Post by _gramps »

From the Emperor's Herbal Book of Commandments

Revelation given through gramps, the herb breeder, at Katsu, a small coffee shop in Amsterdam, the Netherlands, August 18, 2007. As a consequence of many herb consumers complaining about wet and uncured herb to gramps’ wives: early girl, blueberry and silver pearl, gramps was led to vaporize upon the matter. He then inquired to the great Ethiopian emperor concerning it. This revelation, known as the Wisdom of Properly Cured Herb, was the result.

1st hit: Behold, I say unto you, my dear baked gramps, it is not wise to profit from selling uncured, wet herb. I have warned you before, and yet will warn you again. Verily, there are many there among you with fine homes along the canal, yea, verily, even on the canal, as well. But, be not deceived, for, I, the great emperor of herb, yea even your baked brother in the gospel, know their hearts.

2nd hit: And their hearts are not good, for their hearts are set on the riches that selling wet, uncured herb can bring, indeed does bring.

3rd hit: But, behold, in the last days of wrath and fury these posers of good times will be washed away along with the rest of the heathens in the Netherlands when their dams and dikes burst open due to the sinfulness of this wicked generation.

4th hit: As I have told you before and will continue to tell you in the future, all organic, properly dried and cured herb is good for man. Yea, verily, all properly grown herb hath been ordained for the constitution, nature and use of man. Indeed.

5th hit: And it is pleasing to me that it be used at all times, famine or not, throughout all four seasons, from morning until evening. Yea, but, behold, there are many among you who are baking for the first time. Thus, it should be used sparingly, until their tolerance is raised a little mite or two.

6th hit: Furthermore, it is not meet that customers share in the partaking of early girl, blueberry and silver pearl. You have been commanded not to share your precious wives with bogarts and others who can’t appreciate what sensations an F-1 hybrid wife can really provide.

7th hit: Yeah, verily, if you and your wives can remember these sayings you will receive health in the navel, marrow in the bones, and shall suffer no short-term memory loss.

8th hit: You shall find wisdom, knowledge, even hidden treasures, and if these treasures are bred properly, you, too, may be rich in spirit and in very deed and I will cause that bakers will begin to refuse to purchase wet, uncured herb, and they will flock, like baked sheep, to your door for the real thing, and you and your dear three sister hybrid wives will become the most famous breeders and herb growers this world has ever known, yea, even verily, among all the worlds I have ever created.

9th hit: And, I, the emperor, will give you a promise that the destroying angel will not pass by those who sell bad herb, but shall vaporize them into non-existence.

Bowl is empty: So be it.
Last edited by Google Desktop on Fri Aug 24, 2007 6:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I detest my loose style and my libertine sentiments. I thank God, who has removed from my eyes the veil...
Adrian Beverland
_barrelomonkeys
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Post by _barrelomonkeys »

Hahahaaaa!


;P
_Some Schmo
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Post by _Some Schmo »

From the Book of Schmo - Chapter 5, verses 2-17

2 I am the sadistic master, which have brought thee out of the land of Azeroth, out of the house of bondage and into mine own.
3 Thou shalt have no other sadistic masters before me.
4 Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in sky above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth, but anything graven on land is alright:
5 Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I, the sadistic master, am a jealous sadistic master, visiting the whip of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that serve me;
6 And showing no mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep themselves chained to the ceiling.
7 Thou shalt not take the name of the sadistic master in vain; for the sadistic master hates that, and would rather ye shouted his name in his presence.
8 Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Football should be on all day.
9 Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work:
10 But the seventh day is the sabbath of the sadistic master: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter (except to make the wings of chicken), thy manservant, nor thy maidservant (except to bring the beer), nor thy cattle (for they should be on the table), nor thy stranger that is within thy gates... but football players must all show up for the game:
11 For in six days the sadistic master made house and garage, the pond in the yard, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day with a beer in front of the game: wherefore the sadistic master blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it.
12 Honour thy father and thy mother, unless they interfere with the football schedule: that thy days may be long upon the land which the sadistic master giveth thee; or not.
13 Thou shalt not kill the game, even when the score gets out of hand.
14 Thou shalt not commit adultery unless whips are involved.
15 Thou shalt not steal the remote.
16 Thou shalt not bear your privates against thy neighbour, for they are for my eyes only.
17 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor his wife's ass, nor his donkey, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's, except his TV, if it's bigger, because he can keep the Sabbath better than you can.
God belief is for people who don't want to live life on the universe's terms.
_SatanWasSetUp
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Post by _SatanWasSetUp »

From the long lost diary of Satan:

Dear Diary,

I really hate my brother Jesus. He can be such an asshole sometimes. We were joking around about how we would run things if we were in charge. I told him, in confidence I thought, that if I ruled the universe I would want everyone to obey me and be good obedient servants. Well guess what? That little brown nose ran off and told dad and said I was planning to take over the family business. Now dad is threatening to kick me out of the house. For what? Not bowing down and licking his boots? He thinks I don't obey him and wants me to be a butt kissing little homo like Jesus. To make matters worse, Becky called and told me she wants to break up with me, but we can still be friends. This is like totally the worst day of my life.


Dear Diary,

Today Jesus's friends cornered me at school and told me they were gonna kick my ass. Luckily Mr. Johnson, the homeroom teacher, broke it up. I talked to Johnny and Frank, and they got my back. I have a gut feeling there's gonna be a showdown soon.


Dear Diary,

Danny told me that he heard from his girlfriend Sarah that Becky bragged about french kissing Jesus behind the bleachers during PE. Jesus always skips PE because he thinks it's totally gay. I confronted Jesus, and he denied it but I could tell he was lying. That little prick is gonna get it bad.


Dear Diary,

The rumble is on! Tomorrow, after school, my gang is gonna meet up with Jesus's gang at the vacant lot behind Vito's liquor and adult video store. I sometimes ponder what my life would be like if my father was more involved. He's always so busy running the universe that he neglects his children. Oh how I sometimes long for the good old days when me and Jesus would play hide and seek in the backyard. How did we get to this point?
"We of this Church do not rely on any man-made statement concerning the nature of Deity. Our knowledge comes directly from the personal experience of Joseph Smith." - Gordon B. Hinckley

"It's wrong to criticize leaders of the Mormon Church even if the criticism is true." - Dallin H. Oaks
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