Whiny posters and threats of leaving

[_Mercury]

Why is it that whenever people take offense to others in a forum designed to foster debate they threaten to leave and then (sometimes) leave? Also why do they usually end up returning?

Its a sign of maturity to be able to let criticism not affect someones behavior if it is not true criticism. Even if the criticism is true why do some (usually Mormon) posters who threaten to leave do this? Its my opinion its a childish way of garnering attention via whining, creating an atmosphere wherein the trumped up offenses of the target are turned into whipping boys. The lack of evidence for feel-good statements these people initiate are the catalyst for their flight after someone stands up and says "im offended". Yawn.

How do you feel?

[_CaliforniaKid]

I'm hesitant to endorse any suggestion that people just need to toughen up, grow some skin, learn to take it, etc. For one thing, people shouldn't have to. Why is it always the other person that needs to change their behavior, rather than me recognizing and alleviating the faults in my own? For another thing, everyone's circumstance in life is different. Some people are far more likely to be offended by certain kinds of comments than you or I might be. Some people receive abuse at home, see the internet as a means of escape, and do not want to be abused here.

When I was involved in youth ministry, I had a young man in the group who was frequently very rough and offensive with the younger kids. If they had a problem with it, he'd say, "toughen up" and use it as an excuse to make further derogatory remarks. I took him aside and expressed in no uncertain terms that it he was he, not they, who had the problem. I see his behavior as an attempt to avoid blame by deflecting it onto his victims.

Some people also don't have time to deal with petty fighting like what sometimes occurs on boards like this one. I avoid threads like that, on the whole.

Just some things to think about.

[_Mercury]

I'm hesitant to endorse any suggestion that people just need to toughen up, grow some skin, learn to take it, etc. For one thing, people shouldn't have to. Why is it always the other person that needs to change their behavior, rather than me recognizing and alleviating the faults in my own? For another thing, everyone's circumstance in life is different. Some people are far more likely to be offended by certain kinds of comments than you or I might be. Some people receive abuse at home, see the internet as a means of escape, and do not want to be abused here.

When I was involved in youth ministry, I had a young man in the group who was frequently very rough and offensive with the younger kids. If they had a problem with it, he'd say, "toughen up" and use it as an excuse to make further derogatory remarks. I took him aside and expressed in no uncertain terms that it he was he, not they, who had the problem. I see his behavior as an attempt to avoid blame by deflecting it onto his victims.

Some people also don't have time to deal with petty fighting like what sometimes occurs on boards like this one. I avoid threads like that, on the whole.

Just some things to think about.

I agree totally, but my approach was not saying "toughen up" but merely "Why leave"? If anything the offended are running away from what they cannot confront, which is the purpose of DISCUSSION boards.

Best of intentions to the offended but DAMN, why run if you have the correct OP? If you can't justify it then one is in need of modifying ones opinion.

Then again, if you can't take the heat...

[_barrelomonkeys]

As someone who announced she was leaving the board (I did however still play in the chat room) and returned less than 24 hours later I'll pop in here with my thoughts. ;P

I didn't leave from anything offensive just thought I was getting too sucked into the drama and quite frankly didn't like the way the board took up too much of my time.

I completely understand how someone can choose not to stay in a forum any longer. I left, originally, because I quite frankly felt out of control. A part of me that I didn't want to unleash felt the desire to come play on the boards. If that makes any sense whatsoever. I needed a breather. Albeit it was a short breather and I would have done better to make it a longer departure.

I get snarky sometimes and wish I didn't. Sometimes I have to take a step back and remember that there are humans reading my words and I need to tread carefully as to not unintentionally cause pain to others.

Sometimes I understand posters that leave have different reasons. Some are whiney. Some are attention seeking (tal?!) and others just want to say farewell to their friends.

I don't really care why people leave or stay. If they choose to say farewell I appreciate it and hope they'll come back at some further point.

[_Mercury]

As someone who announced she was leaving the board (I did however still play in the chat room) and returned less than 24 hours later I'll pop in here with my thoughts. ;P

I didn't leave from anything offensive just thought I was getting too sucked into the drama and quite frankly didn't like the way the board took up too much of my time.

I completely understand how someone can choose not to stay in a forum any longer. I left, originally, because I quite frankly felt out of control. A part of me that I didn't want to unleash felt the desire to come play on the boards. If that makes any sense whatsoever. I needed a breather. Albeit it was a short breather and I would have done better to make it a longer departure.

I get snarky sometimes and wish I didn't. Sometimes I have to take a step back and remember that there are humans reading my words and I need to tread carefully as to not unintentionally cause pain to others.

Sometimes I understand posters that leave have different reasons. Some are whiney. Some are attention seeking (tal?!) and others just want to say farewell to their friends.

I don't really care why people leave or stay. If they choose to say farewell I appreciate it and hope they'll come back at some further point.

What gets me are the individuals who use it to unfairly garner attention to what they see as a justified opinion. "I'm losing the argument...oh noes! Better whip up a quick 'GOODBYE CRUEL BOARD' post so I can get people yelling for me to not leave". It reminds me of childish people who share suicidal thoughts so people will notice them.

Taking a break is cool...using it as a tool to "win" an argument they are losing is not cool.

[_barrelomonkeys]

Ack! Well about the suicidal... if someone needs help I certainly hope they'll talk about it. I know if you need to talk, you need to talk!

Same thing for me with the bye byes. Even if it is so they feel loved (doesn't everyone wanna be loved and think people will miss them) then I'm okay with that too........ unless yer Tal Bachman. Then I don't care.

[_asbestosman]

I think some people (or at least one person) decide to leave in part because of what they regard as their own change in behavior.

I also think there's a difference between discussion and mocking, hence if some people leave then perhaps there is little incentive for a return.

[_moksha]

Why is it that whenever people take offense to others in a forum designed to foster debate they threaten to leave and then (sometimes) leave? Also why do they usually end up returning?

Its a sign of maturity to be able to let criticism not affect someones behavior if it is not true criticism. Even if the criticism is true why do some (usually Mormon) posters who threaten to leave do this? Its my opinion its a childish way of garnering attention via whining, creating an atmosphere wherein the trumped up offenses of the target are turned into whipping boys. The lack of evidence for feel-good statements these people initiate are the catalyst for their flight after someone stands up and says "I'm offended". Yawn.

How do you feel?

Have you offended someone else? ;-)

Some people are more sensitive than others and even this sensitivity can sometimes be exacerbated by other things going on in their lives. We can all be vulnerable, so that is why we should be kind to one another.

[_Some Schmo]

Well, a couple of things:

- I would endorse the idea that people need to "toughen up" because this is the internet, and it's not for the weak. If you are easily offended, don't go where you're likely going to be offended. If you don't want to be eaten, would you swim with sharks? It makes no sense to impose your own set of standards on a bunch of anonymous strangers. I don't understand how/why a person would be offended by something a stranger says anyway. Am I responsible for what other people say? No. Am I responsible for how I react to what other people say? Yes.

- I think people in North America (and especially in the US) are too easily offended in general. I believe this is one of the most litigious countries in the world simply because people are spoiled lazy children, and they expect everyone else to cater to their individual needs. This whole idea of political correctness and making sure we don't offend is symptomatic of a lack of importance placed on personal authenticity and responsibility. People just need to grow up rather than looking for opportunities to be offended so they can whine and bitch about it in hopes of garnering attention (like little kids do), or worse yet, sue. "I'm fat, so I'm going to sue McDonald's! It's certainly not my fault I eat like a moron!" Same phenomenon.

[_Gadianton]

a few comments

- depends on what the issues are. i don't want to expose my weaknesses, but a chink in my armor was discovered by some posters in my history on various boards, and while I wasn't at the butt end of it, yet, I knew if I continued posting that I would be in time so I left as a preventative maintenance.

-there is indeed the Eric Cartman phenomena of getting mad and saying, "screw you guys, I'm going home." This played a part, as Mr. Scratch has documented, in the formation of FAIR/MAD.

-also keep in mind that we're often fooling ourselves, and we don't always do things for the reasons we think we do them. there can be a lot of time and energy wasted on message boards, that stress can build up, and then its like the brain needs to escape and that becomes one of a few convenient ways out.