The Furniture of The Book of Mormon

[_68Cadillac]

Weekly reports. A sign of all great bureaucracies. One filed every week for each missionary companionship. It fell to the senior companion to fill it out. I had been, up to this point, assigned the junior position. I got my first big chance to run the show, in Gary Indiana. Murder capital of the United States.

I had been struggling with the incompatible barren reality of the mission experience I lived, and the rose-colored, baptizing hundreds, candy-land story I'd been told it was supposed to be. To keep a bit of sanity, I started drawing figurative lines in the sand. My line? Honesty. I was sick of all the little lies. I decided to be honest with all that I did. No white lies. No fudging. The truth. This meant I filled out the weekly report with exactly what we did and how many hours we worked. There were blanks for all kinds of statistics.

Book of Mormons placed: 0
Number of Lessons taught: 0
Number of baptisms performed: 0
Hours spent total on all missionary work: 5.5

Our 5.5 hours consisted of a member-dinner we’d eaten (2.5) and the church service we attended (3.0). Staying in the apartment, not getting shot, did not count as work. Abysmal as the numbers might be I honestly reported exactly what we did.

Expected minimums per week:

Book of Mormons placed: 12
Number of Lessons taught: 4
Number of baptisms performed: 0.5 (one every two weeks)
Hours spent total on all missionary work: 85

85 hours, minimum. Considering that we got one day off per week to do laundry, write letters, and clean the apartment, 85 divides to 14.2 hours per day. Doing the math: 7.5 hours, sleep. 1 hour, shower/preparation/breakfast. 1 hour, personal morning study. 14.2 hours, missionary work, leaves 0.3 hours (18 minutes) for lunch. All missionaries were expected to have a dinner appointment lined up with a member-family every night. This counted as work.

So the only way you could honestly make the minimum was to work your ass off. No slacking. No stopping. Just work, work, work, straight through, every week, for two years.

My companion and I did nothing of the kind. We dragged ass, just like all the other missionary pairs we'd ever known.

Mission Hierarchy of Titles in order:
Mission President (Prez)
Assistant to the President (AP)
Zone Leader (ZL)
District Leader (DL)
Missionary

A bit over two weeks into my honesty streak I get a call from my District Leader (DL) saying that he and the Zone Leader (ZL) were concerned about the numbers I was reporting.

Concerned?

Well, you know. They’re a little low.

But that’s really what we did.

Yes but it’s causing problems.

Honestly reporting what we did last week causes problems?

Yes. No. Okay listen. The ZL’s getting on me ‘cause the AP’s are on him for the low numbers from our Zone. It’s causing problems for everyone.

Okay.

By you reporting it that way we' get all kinds of pressure from the Prez.

What way do you want me to report it?

A way that doesn’t cause problems.

You want me to lie.

I’m not saying that. I just don’t want problems. Neither does the ZL. Can’t you help us out?

Maybe we could work a few more hours next week and report that?

No, that’ll still be too low. Come on, help me out or I’ll just have to call you next week.

So either I lie, or you call me?

No I’m not asking you to lie.

So what are you asking?

I’m telling you that what you’re reporting causes problems for everybody. Please, just help us out.

I understand.

After the conversation I realized that I was probably the only missionary in the entire mission that honestly reported his numbers. I knew and worked with a lot of missionaries and not a single one of them worked all day like one would have to to meet the minimum required time.

I didn’t change my reports. I honestly put down what we did, low though it might be. I stopped getting calls from my DL.

Weeks later, at the DL’s apartment, I spotted my weekly report in the trash. Apparently, the DL’s solved his problem by forging a report and scrapping mine. I didn’t confront him about it. What was the point?

I know the Prez glanced at the consolidated final report the AP's presented to him every week, but did he understand the numbers on it were meaningless? The entire thing, a complete lie from top to bottom. Every missionary would pad their numbers so their DLs wouldn’t get on them. The DL’s fudged theirs so the ZLs wouldn’t chaff. The ZLs would scrub theirs so the AP’s wouldn’t get on them. The AP’s would massage the final report so the Prez wouldn’t ask them to do something. Pointless, bureaucratic, busy-work to produce a report with no basis in reality.

Keeping track of the amount of Books of Mormon each missionary pair reported handing out allowed the mission to know how many new ones to order. Every month or so, the Mission Home shipped a case or two to your apartment. One apartment of mine had so many they filled the coat closet and half of the bedroom closet. Because I wanted to actually use the closets, I decided to do something useful with the dozens and dozens of cases of BoMs. I made a couch to seat three, a coffee table, two end tables, and a writing desk with three shelves. I used an old door from the apartment for the writing surface and discarded wood planks for shelving.

We had an entire living room set made from BoMs. It matched the shag carpeting perfectly.

[_Nomad]

The things you describe in your mission bear no resemblance to anything I ever observed in my mission. I'm not saying that you're making things up. I'm just saying that my mission experience was not like this. With very few exceptions, the missionaries worked hard, through chalenging and often discouraging conditions. Our mission president did not put pressure on us to produce "numbers" although we did report on our weekly activities. Neither I nor my companions (when I was a junior) ever "lied" in our weekly reports. I'm sure some missionaries did, but I never saw it myself. Our mission was hard (western Europe, not many baptisms) but I never saw many examples of missionaries who weren't making a good faith effort to do what was asked of them.

If your account of circumstances in your mission is accurate, that is disappointing to hear. But, at least from my experience, as well as that of friends of mine who had missions similar to my own, your experience seems to be the exception rather than the rule.

[_DarkHelmet]

So how exactly to you fudge numbers? do you just toss 10 Book of Mormons in the trash and say you placed them? Don't you have to get names with the BofMs you hand out? Does anyone check up on the names that you write down? I honestly don't know because I never went on a mission, thank god.

[_Runtu]

In our mission, you had to report goals and results (in numbers) on a grid drawn on a chalkboard in front of zone meeting every week. So, if you had bad numbers (and we, like the OP, had "suggested" minimums), the entire zone would know it, and you were guaranteed a dressing-down from the ZLs the second you put the chalk down.

One month I was with a companion who was going home at the end of the month, so I couldn't get him out of the house to do missionary work. It was frustrating, but then I got sick with worms, amoebas, and strep throat, so I was pretty much bedridden for almost 2 weeks. My comp was fine with that, so on our way to zone meeting every week, he'd say, "Hmmmm. Let's see. What sounds like a good number of mini-charlas (door approaches)?" He would just make up the numbers. I was appalled, so I would write the real numbers down on my weekly letter to the president. I gathered that a lot of missionaries made up numbers like that.

When I was district leader, I worked really hard (as I did the whole mission with the exception of that month with the burned-out companion). One elder in our district was determined to outdo our numbers each week. So, if we worked 85 hours, he'd report 96 the next week. If we gave 60 door approaches, he'd report 70 the next week. One week, we stayed in because my companion had paratyphoid, so we reported low numbers but two baptisms. We didn't mention why we had the low numbers, but I commented that it was amazing we had two baptisms without doing much mission work. The next week, the elder reported zeros for all his reportable numbers and 3 baptisms. He'd outdone us again!

I wrote on my blog about the numbers game in our mission. Still makes me shake my head in dismay.

[_zeezrom]

Thank God my son's don't feel the need to go on a mission anymore. What a BS experience that was. And to think I taught at the MTC as well. What a damned joke.

[_Darth J]

1. I was around a few missionaries who were obviously there because their families sort of forced them there, but most of the missionaries I served with worked really hard and believed in what they were doing.

2. I don't regret going on a mission, because I was doing what I thought was right based on what I knew and believed at the time.

3. I am disappointed with the title of this thread. I though I was going to be reading about ancient American Hebrew armoires with tumbaga inlays, sofas covered in materials that plausibly could be called linen or silk, and things like that.

[_just me]

3. I am disappointed with the title of this thread. I though I was going to be reading about ancient American Hebrew armoires with tumbaga inlays, sofas covered in materials that plausibly could be called linen or silk, and things like that.

Dang it, me too!!!

The OP is another example of how lying is rewarded in Mormon culture.

[_bcspace]

One month I was with a companion who was going home at the end of the month, so I couldn't get him out of the house to do missionary work.

I was a ZL. So for my last week, we went on splits with all the greenies in some good areas and taught them how to bash and give discussions and generally how to have fun and be successful on their missions and not waste it.

[_Baker]

The things you describe in your mission bear no resemblance to anything I ever observed in my mission. I'm not saying that you're making things up. I'm just saying that my mission experience was not like this. With very few exceptions, the missionaries worked hard, through chalenging and often discouraging conditions. Our mission president did not put pressure on us to produce "numbers" although we did report on our weekly activities. Neither I nor my companions (when I was a junior) ever "lied" in our weekly reports. I'm sure some missionaries did, but I never saw it myself. Our mission was hard (western Europe, not many baptisms) but I never saw many examples of missionaries who weren't making a good faith effort to do what was asked of them.

If your account of circumstances in your mission is accurate, that is disappointing to hear. But, at least from my experience, as well as that of friends of mine who had missions similar to my own, your experience seems to be the exception rather than the rule.

May I ask when and where you served? I served in the France Bordeaux mission in the early 90's. Traditional missionary efforts didn't work very well. Many became discouraged or didn't want to be there in the first place, and there was a fair bit of fudging of reports. I would say that a good 25-30% were dedicated and hardworking all the way through. About that same number were "Pagan", with the balance somewhere in the middle.

[_68Cadillac]

So how exactly to you fudge numbers? do you just toss 10 Book of Mormons in the trash and say you placed them? Don't you have to get names with the BofMs you hand out? Does anyone check up on the names that you write down?

You fudge numbers by handing out 2 Book of Mormon's and reporting you gave out 14. The other 12 just stay in the apartment.

I knew of missionaries who would 'forget' Book of Mormon's on the trains (in Japan) and count them. Leave them on pay-phones and count that.

I've been witness to BoMs dumpster dumpings, a BoMs burial in a forest, and of course furniture making. I've seen pictures of BoMs burnings. I've heard of BoMs ocean tossing. EVERY INSTANCE by the case load(s) and all by ANOINTED MISSIONARIES of TSCC. The burial in the forest was by far the most bizarre. Elder even said a prayer. WTF?!