grindael wrote:4. And if any art led at any time by the Spirit of Whimsy to speak or teach, or at all times chastise and make whoopee with all manner of uproarious festivity, then thou mayest do it. But do it well, my little flock. Do it well.
Somehow I missed your post until just now, grindael. Awesome. :)
Mormon Jesus wrote:20. Verily, ye shall be cursed with an sore cursing, and vexed with an sore vexing, 21. Yea, even shalt thou be Kented with an sore Kenting, unto the third and fourth generation, except ye repent in humility and sorrow before me, saith the Lord,
Classic,
Then after I laughed, I thought: God DOES use excessive Hebraisms in the D&C, even though he is using English to talk to Joseph.
Revelation given to Mormon Discussions 16 May 2014. Everybody Wang Chung, a member of the Lord's message board, had recently started a thread wondering how to tell music inspired by the Adversary from music that was pleasing to the Lord. Several board members also shared their puzzlement regarding the nature of sacred music. The Lord had been busy revealing the week's editorials for the Deseret News through the Urim and Thummim, but now had time to give the revelation which follows.
1-4, If there is a problem, yea, the Lord will solve it; 5-7, like Santa Claus or the NSA, the Lord knows what board members have been up to; 8-12, the metaphysical validity of the little factories talk affirmed; 13-20, there are lots of threes in the restored gospel; 21-31, examples of the three types of hymns given; 32-36, principles of the three types of hymns explained; 37-43, what Doris Day taught us about the Second Coming.
1. Behold, ye people of my message board, corroborate and hearken, 2. For I, the Lord, am back with mine brand new invention, 3. Yea, something doth grab ahold of me tightly, 4. And it doth flow like unto a harpoon day and nightly, 5. Now behold, my servant Everybody Wang Chung hath inquired regarding what types of music are pleasing unto me, the Lord, 6. Yea, and my servants Equality, and Arrakis, and Doctor Steuss, and others have also wondered touching this thing, 7. And it is pleasing unto me that ye should ask concerning music, for the song of the righteous is a prayer unto me, 8. Yea, and music shall also be a mantra that ye shall repeat to yourselves over and over again, whenever impure and immoral thoughts shall tempt thee, 9. That such thoughts shall be banished from the simplistic Cartesian theater that is the human psyche, that ye might pretend that such obsessive compulsive behavior shall rid thee of the temptation to touch thyself inappropriately, 10. Yea, and in this manner shalt thou inadvertently engage in operant conditioning, such that thou shalt actually begin to associate sacred music with impure thoughts, 11. Even according to the principles which my corporate officer, Boyd K. Packer, did teach unto young men only, 12. Wherefore, thou canst see the value of sacred music, for it produceth these things, and also shall strengthen thy faith, that by using music to repeat an certain idea, eventually it shall seem true unto thee, 13. Now behold, there are three types of hymns that ye shall sing, for I, the Lord, just really dig that number three, 14. Yea, there are three that bear record in heaven, the Father, the Me, and the Holy Ghost, 15. Even also are there three degree of glory, 16. And three members of the Presidency of mine holy Corporation, as also three members of the bishoprics that govern the local affiliates of my Corporation, 17. Three witnesses of the Book of Mormon, 18. Three Little Pigs, 19. Three Billy Goats Gruff, 20. And so forth. For I am the Lord, and shall belabor the point according to my will; wherefore, as there are three of so many things, there are also three types of hymns, 21. Yea, and these are Militant, Funeral Dirge, and Outright Indoctrination, 22. And that ye may learn by example, behold: "The Spirit of God" is Militant, 23. And "I Know that My Redeemer Lives" is Funeral Dirge, 24. And "We Thank Thee, O God, For a Prophet" is Outright Indoctrination, 25. "Called to Serve" is Militant, 26. "I Am a Child of God" is Funeral Dirge, 27. "The Iron Rod," yea, even that one that goeth, "Hold to the rod! The iron rod!" is Outright Indoctrination, 28. And this pattern shall be repeated among my little ones, yea, even in Primary, 29. "I Hope They Call Me on a Mission" is Militant, as also is "We'll Bring the World His Truth", 30. "I Feel My Savior's Love" and "Reverently, Quietly" are Funeral Dirges, 31. And "Follow the Prophet" and "Love Is Spoken Here" are Outright Indoctrination, 32. Behold, these examples shalt thou use to understand the purpose of sacred music, 33. For the purpose of Militant hymns is to stir up the hubris of my saints, that they may believe their efforts to conquer the world with my gospel is not a fool's errand, 34. And Funeral Dirges shall be maudlin tearjerkers, like unto why mine handmaidens watch chick flicks to cry on purpose, or why mine rural servants do listen to George Jones or Trace Adkins, and so on, 35. Yea, and Outright Indoctrination shall be self-explanatory, saith the Lord of Hosts, 36. Wherefore, take these principles that I have revealed unto thee, that thou mayest manipulate thyself and others in my name through the power of sacred music, 37. For behold, thou shalt raise up hymns unto me until I come again, at a day and a time which is known unto none, not even the Son of Man, but the Father only, 38. Yea, for I did ask the Father what shall happen when I come again, 39. Verily, will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here is what he said unto me, 40. Que sera, sera, 41. Whatever will be, will be, 42. The future is not ours to see, 43. Que sera, sera. Even so. Amen,
Glad this was bumped up. If Revelations were drugs I'm sure MJ would be offering them for sale by the metric gram. I think that's the most insightful categorization of hymns I've ever seen and this is evidence of theistic design.
Lou Midgley 08/20/2020: "...meat wad," and "cockroach" are pithy descriptions of human beings used by gemli? They were not fashioned by Professor Peterson.
LM 11/23/2018: one can explain away the soul of human beings...as...a Meat Unit, to use Professor Peterson's clever derogatory description of gemli's ideology.
grindael wrote:4. And if any art led at any time by the Spirit of Whimsy to speak or teach, or at all times chastise and make whoopee with all manner of uproarious festivity, then thou mayest do it. But do it well, my little flock. Do it well.
Somehow I missed your post until just now, grindael. Awesome. :)
I am SO GLAD that Mormon Jesus is back! He is the real awesome one here. He sure gets me thinking about further declarations though...
Riding on a speeding train; trapped inside a revolving door; Lost in the riddle of a quatrain; Stuck in an elevator between floors. One focal point in a random world can change your direction: One step where events converge may alter your perception.
Thank you Mormon Jesus for the education revelation. I needed some inspiration.
"Jesus gave us the gospel, but Satan invented church. It takes serious evil to formalize faith into something tedious and then pile guilt on anyone who doesn’t participate enthusiastically." - Robert Kirby
Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer. -- Henry Lawson
Lord, Kent has been quieter lately. Are we now in compliance with your will? Droopy has dropped by recently, so I am not sure if we are still being smited or not.
