Mormon Discussions and Covenants

[Guest]

:

[_just me]

This is probably the Greatest Post Ever. I vote that its number be retired.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm here (on this earth and on this board). Then Mormon Jesus comes and makes everything all right.

Praises to his name!

[_Shulem]

:exclaim:

:

Murderer! Your god is a murderer. Jehovah must be tried and found guilty -- and executed for his crimes against humanity. I will wrap my hands around his throat and choke him to death myself! Get out of the way, Nightlion, or I'll push you over like a ragdoll. I fear you not, boy. I will choke your god to death untill he stops breathing and falls over like a sack of sand.



Paul O

[_bcspace]

it matters not, the pure doctrine doth make us all smile except for bcspace who was left out and undoubtedly crying himself to sleep because jesus failed to mention him-perhaps it will happen in a later continuing revelation!

i recommend mj to speak in the next general conference.

Not at all. I'm the one who sent him.

[_Bond James Bond]

Further revelations from Mormon Jesus in the Off-Topic, where Mormon Jesus has wisely declared Droopy down for the count after the whipping he received at my hand.

[_ludwigm]

Mormon Jesus?

Reading this, I was like the rustic in the classic Székely/Hungarian joke:
He says, standing in the zoo before the giraffe:
- No, there is no such animal!

Then I read:
Posted: 2012.04.12 02:42:17
Last edited by Mormon Jesus on 2012.04.12 03:07:57, edited 10 times in total.

Edited 10 times in 25 minutes - echt Mormon, I can say.

[_RayAgostini]

1. Behold, yea, verily, hearken, ye people of this message board, even Mormon Discussions,
2. For mine eyes are upon you, and your works are known to me. Behold, I am the first and the last, Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, Twilight and Breaking Dawn,
3. Prepare yourselves thenceforth to receive my word, for lo, I come quickly, and there shall be some who will remain unsatisfied therefrom.
4. I say therefore unto those who are moderators: let your moderating be in moderation, lest I curse you with a sore cursing, even unto the third and fourth generation.
5. For the vexation with which ye shall be vexed shall be vexatious indeed; how exquisite, ye know not, nor how excruciating, nor how often people shall badmouth you in chat, except that ye figure out by which manner ye have caused someone or other to complain.
6. And to the inhabitants of this message board, behold and see that my anger is kindled against you. O, this wicked and stiff-necked generation! A commandment I give unto you, that ye cease thine inanity, and loud laughter, and evil speaking of those whom I have appointed to administer my Corporation upon this earth.
7. Lay up not for yourself treasures on the internet, where moderators ban and glitches destroy, but go ye unto mine mall, where all manner of treasures of the earth may be bought,
8. Of Brooks Brothers, and of Hugo Boss; of Nordstrom, and Macy's, and Porsche Design, and Tiffany's, and Coach; ye, and all manner of others,
9. To gladden the heart, to fill the closet, and to empty the wallet, that there may be meat in mine house;
10. Even as there is meat at the Texas de Brazil Churrascaria restaurant, which shall be open on the Sabbath, even as the stores shall be closed on my holy day.
11. And now I say a word to certain of the members of this board;
12. Behold, my servant Ldsfaqs, I am well pleased with thy works; my hand smiles upon you. Yea, straight is the jacket, and rubber is the room, into which thou shalt enter and find thy reward,
13. Unto my servant Doctor Scratch, I say unto you: be ye wise as a serpent, and use thy time in more productive means, even unto the patronizing mine mall in the land I have consecrated for retail purposes,
14. For where thy credit card is, there shalt thy heart be also.
15. To mine handmaiden Just Me: let thy mouth be shut, and presume not to think for thyself, for thou art female, and hast no need of troubling thyself unto figuring things out for thyself;
16. And to my servant MrStakhanovite, behold, thy secret combinations are known to me, and I have seen your works to drag others into the pit, who also conspire with thee;
17. Seek instead knowledge out of the best books, which may be ordered online at http://www.deseretbook.com;
18. Unto Darth J, I say: just shut up.
19. To Tarski, and to CaliforniaKId, and those who think themselves learned in the philosophies and theories of men: go, and create thine own universe, and then ye may complain to me about how screwed up things are;
20. Unto my servant, Why Me, behold, light cotton is an abomination in my sight, nor is such imagery pleasing unto me, nor to any who contemplate thereof;
21. Act like a grown-up, not a half-hearted teenager.
22. To Jskains, and Droopy, and others who have sought refuge amongst thy bretheren on Mormon Dialogue, but were rebuked;
23. Ye are even as I, who came into mine own, but mine own received me not; therefore, murmur not that any message board is willing to tolerate thee at all;
24. For if thou are too imbalanced even for Mormon Dialogue, then woe, woe, unto thee,
25. A man may as well try to put forth his puny arm and turn the course of the Mississippi, as reason with thee, and yet thou art accepted the same, yet not by thy fellow bretheren and sisteren in the faith,
26. Yea, this is irony, which I shall liken unto rain on thy wedding day, or a free ride when thou hast already paid, or the good advice that thou just did not take.
27. And unto Mfbukowski, behold, it is wisdom in me that thou shalt pop in from time to time, and thereaways promptly pop right back out again; therefore, trifle not with philosophical things; thy thoughts are known unto me, but unto absolutely no one else.
28. And I say again, to all the the rest of you who inhabit this board, repent ye, and make straight the passage of my coming, and surely I will be amazed if you understand what that meant;
29. For there shall be some in these latter days who shall say that even as pain is weakness leaving the body, so apostasy is superstition leaving the intellect;
30. Listen not to their counsel, but hearken instead to him whom I have anointed to be my prophet at this time, even......what's his name......
31. Thomas S. Monson.
32. Ye are a city upon a hill, which cannot be hid, thanks to Google cache;
33. Turn ye therefore unto me. I am the light which shineth in darkness, the voice in the wilderness, the partner in thy tag-team steel cage death match,
34. Near, far, wherever thou art, I believe that the heart doth go on.
35. Once more thou openest the door, and thou art here in my heart, and my heart will go on and on.
36. So post things that are worth reading. Verily, these are mine own words, and shall never be changed nor edited. Even so. Amen.

You're no Joseph Smith, that's for sure. lol.

4 And now I, the Lord, give unto you a testimony of the truth of these commandments which are lying before you.
5 Your eyes have been upon my servant Joseph Smith, Jun., and his language you have known, and his imperfections you have known; and you have sought in your hearts knowledge that you might express beyond his language; this you also know.
6 Now, seek ye out of the Book of Commandments, even the least that is among them, and appoint him that is the most wise among you;
7 Or, if there be any among you that shall make one like unto it, then ye are justified in saying that ye do not know that they are true;
8 But if ye cannot make one like unto it, ye are under condemnation if ye do not bear record that they are true.
9 For ye know that there is no unrighteousness in them, and that which is righteous cometh down from above, from the Father of lights.

D&C 67.

[_Tator]

This can't be true revelation or it would have at least 877 "and it came to pass" quotes in it.

[_MrStakhanovite]

16. And to my servant MrStakhanovite, behold, thy secret combinations are known to me, and I have seen your works to drag others into the pit, who also conspire with thee;

I can't tell, have I been rebuked?

[_harmony]

16. And to my servant MrStakhanovite, behold, thy secret combinations are known to me, and I have seen your works to drag others into the pit, who also conspire with thee;

I can't tell, have I been rebuked?

Or promoted. I can't decide which.