Mormon Discussions and Covenants

[_Buffalo]

You need to update your avatar to reflect current church standards, Mormon Jesus.

[_Buffalo]

22. To Jskains, and Droopy, and others who have sought refuge amongst thy bretheren on Mormon Dialogue, but were rebuked;
23. Ye are even as I, who came into mine own, but mine own received me not; therefore, murmur not that any message board is willing to tolerate thee at all;
24. For if thou are too imbalanced even for Mormon Dialogue, then woe, woe, unto thee,
25. A man may as well try to put forth his puny arm and turn the course of the Mississippi, as reason with thee, and yet thou art accepted the same, yet not by thy fellow bretheren and sisteren in the faith,
26. Yea, this is irony, which I shall liken unto rain on thy wedding day, or a free ride when thou hast already paid, or the good advice that thou just did not take.

Real life lolz

[Guest]

Section 140

Revelation given to Mormon Discussions recorded 12 April 2012, relating to posting on the board. Although the revelation was recorded in 2012, it is evident that the principles involved in this revelation had been known since the days of ZLMB. Previous publications of this revelation had numbered the verses incorrectly, which was retroactively corrected per standard Mormon operating procedure.

1-3, The Lord has received and will answer requests for guidance; 4, the Lord has access to a thesaurus; 5-11, the Lord enjoys good posts and gets angry at bad ones; 12-32, counsel given to various board members; 33, John Lennon made a big mistake; 34-35, irony accompanies the work of the Lord.

1. Verily, thus sayeth the Lord unto my servant Ceeboo, and unto others, inasmuch as ye have inquired of my hand to know the status of things as they pertain to Mormon Discussions;
2. Behold, lo, yea, hearken, take notice, pay heed, etc., for thus verily even I am the Lord thy God and will answer these things unto you.
3. Prepare therefore your minds to receive these things, for if ye hear them and obey them not, ye are condemned, and fit only to be razed from thy place and a new strip mall put in thy place, for no zoning ordinances shall stop my holy work;
4. All messages, posts, threads, thoughts, observations, musings, ramblings, verbiage, sayings, reflections, opinions, assertions, claims, comments, explications, arguments, rhetoric, elucidations, banter, discussions, conversations, debates, or chit-chat that is not sealed up unto me is of no efficacy, virtue, or force, or of any particular interest, except it be at least sort of interesting or entertaining or amusing;
5. For the random streams of consciousness of the mouth-breather, or the imbecile, or the boring, are not acceptable to me, neither to those who seek to be numbered among my people;
6. Cry nothing but repentance unto this generation of board members, lest in my fierce indignation, I am made to take off my belt;
7. Behold, thou doth not want that.
8. Moreover, if thou shalt labor all the days of thy hanging around here, and say but one thing interesting or entertaining, how great shall be thy joy and the joy of those who partake thereof;
9. And how much greater shall be thy joy, if thou dost manage to post many such things.
10. Think not that I am come to bring peace on this board; I came not to bring peace, but a flame war;
11. For I am come to set an apologist at variance with the orthodox believer, and the apostate against the non-member, and the critic against everyone;
12. And now I speak unto certain members who have besought me in supplication;
13. To MrStakhanovite, thou art unsure whither I rebuke thee or exalt thee. Verily, this sayeth more about thee than about me;
14. Nevertheless, thou must study it out in thy mind, and if it not be correct, I will cause a stupor of thought to come upon thee, which shall not be of any particular help, forasmuch as this is thy natural state of affairs anyway;
15. Wherefore, I speak also unto my servant Shulem, for verily thou art my servant, like unto Shulem of old who was the slave of Pharaoh, King of Egypt, even as clearly written by Abraham upon papyrus;
16. Thou hast often looked for peace, and not known whither thou shalt find it;
17. Behold, I tell thee: go west, life is peaceful there,
18. And again: go west, in the open air,
19. For yonder are the skies blue; verily, this is what thou shalt do.
20. Now I speak unto bcspace, and say unto him: well done, thou good and faithful servant;
21. For thou runneth interference for me, and deflecteth from the issues, lest that which issueth from my Corporation be taken at face value;
22. Thou art numbered among the noble and great ones, who have dissembled and obfuscated for my name's sake, to such a degree as to cause even I, God, the greatest of all, to facepalm;
23. And if thou shalt make claims that are clearly not accurate, and if the skepticism of rational people be gathered about thee, and if thou shalt fail to convince anyone who reasonably looketh into the matter, and if thine interlocutors shall exclaim, Whence cometh this b.s.? Yea, sayeth who? and above all, if any normal person summarily rejecteth thine assertions, know thou, bcspace, that it shall be quite an experience, and all who observe thereof shall marvel.
24. Gordon B. Hinckley hath descended below it all. Art thou greater than he?
25. Now I turn unto my servant Nightlion, whom I have called unto this message board, even as the voice of one crying from the wilderness, for such North Salt Lake surely is;
26. Behold, be not as Jonah, and abandon not thy mission because thou art infuriated with the people unto whom thou hast been sent, but rather let thy light so shine before men, that they glorify thy Father which is in heaven;
27. Yea, thou must ignite the light and let it shine, and thou shalt own the night like unto the Fourth of July;
28. Wherefore, my son, thou art an firework;
29. Come forth and shew them what thou art worth, and then shall they say, Oh, oh, oh, as thou shootest across the firmament.
30. Unto my servants Ceeboo and Hoops, verily, ye art a tad vociferous in thy crankiness as of late;
31. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me, for my yoke is easy, and my burden is light;
32. Or in other words, quit thy bitching. Is not the body more than rainment, or the message board more than complaining?
33. Wherforeunto, if a group of my followers yearneth to be like the Beatles, then follow not the example of the harlot, Yoko;
34. For the works of God are mysterious, and cannot be comprehended, as with mine holy mall, wherein at one edifice The Gym was placed right above The Cheesecake Factory, without hint of irony;
35. And I will reveal more unto you concerning these things hereafter; wherefore, sufficeth these things for now. Behold, I am Alpha and Omega; I have no end and no beginning. Marvel not that I say both of these things at once. Amen.

[_aranyborju]

[_Morley]

21. Thou art numbered among the noble and great ones, who have dissembled and obfuscated for my name's sake, to such a degree as to cause even I, God, the greatest of all, to facepalm;

I believe.

[_Paul H Dunn]

Revelation given to Mormon Discussions recorded 12 April 2012, relating to posting on the board. Although the revelation was recorded in 2012, it is evident that the principles involved in this revelation had been known since the days of ZLMB.


33. For the works of God are mysterious, and cannot be comprehended, as with mine holy mall, wherein at one edifice The Gym was placed right above The Cheesecake Factory, without hint of irony;

Dear MJ,

When I was designing the holy mail using an app on my I phone I thought it best to place my workout location next to my favorite restaurant..
When you get a minute I wonder if you could talk to Tommy about redacting the word emeritus from my title in the Church history records.

[_Stormy Waters]

Absolutely priceless.

[Guest]

Section 141

Revelation given on Mormon Discussions 13 April 2012. During this time period, certain members of the board had attempted to stir up contention concerning the Lord's appearance.

1-5, Blasphemies get God ticked off; 6-7, board members are commanded not to troll the Lord; 8-12; Just like birds, the Lord longs to be close to you; 13-20, jskains is a lunatic; 21-30, the Lord is kind of a hippie sometimes.

1. Thus sayeth the good Lord, yea, Christ Almighty;
2. Verily, there have been some who are not faithful, but seek instead to tempt the Lord their God, even as Cain, who declared, Who is the Lord that I should know him?
3. Yea, the words of my mouth are quick and powerful like unto a two-edged sword, quick to the dividing assunder of marrow and sinew;
4. And when my words are taken up by the faithful, behold, it is like unto a two-edged sword in the hands of him who is stricken with palsy;
5. Wherefore, the blasphemies of some among you have reached mine ears, and if it come to pass any further, behold shall I give thee something about which to weep;
6. I say unto The Mighty Builder, hast thou ought not better to do? Is there not sufficient labor in the vineyard? Or canst thou not turn thine excess of energies unto Angry Birds or something?
7. For it is expedient that thou should consider Angry Birds, even as thou are like unto them,
8. Verily, consider the birds of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them,
9. And how often would I have gathered you, even as a hen gathers her chickens under her wings,
10. Yea, for this cause do birds suddenly appear every time thou art near,
11. Even as I, so do they long to be close to thee.
12. Yet I, the Lord, appeared as an humble carpenter.
13. Hear also, ye inhabitants of the board, concerning my servant, jskains;
14. Behold, it is expedient in me that he rest from his labors here for a season; nevertheless, in him am I well pleased,
15. Now see ye all those around you, and by this measure do people determine what is normal and what is sanity, for it is given unto you to know this reckoning,
16. Now the measure of disturbance in some persons is greater than that which is usually around you,
17. And when these two facts exist, there shall be yet another person who is even more disturbed still,
18. And thus shall the reckoning of one severely disturbed person be reckoned as more troubling than that of another, until thou arrivest at the level of jskains, which is set nigh unto over the edge, to govern all those who are of the same order of severely disturbed individuals,
19. If two disturbed persons exist, and there be one more disturbed than the other, there shall be even more disturbed persons above them; therefore jskains is the most disturbed of all the persons thou hast seen.
20. Thus am I well pleased in him, for he shall set the standard of reckoning, and all who proclaim my holy Corporation shall seem less insane by comparison;
21. And again I say unto all of you, come unto me, and find rest,
22. Consider the lilies how they grow: they toil not, they spin not;
23. Yea, wither have all the flowers gone?
24. Long time passing;
25. Verily, some shall say I am of Peter, and another, I am of Paul, and a third, I am of Mary,
26. But it is meet unto me that ye shall be instead as one,
27. Come, my people, smile on thy brother, let all get together, and love one another right now,
28. Otherwise the blood of the young shall cry out unto me,
28. For ye are one in this board, and if ye are not one, ye are not mine,
29. And if ye are not mine, then shall I be very irritated.
30. Think upon these words. Even so. Amen.

[_The Mighty Builder]

6. I say unto The Mighty Builder, hast thou ought not better to do? Is there not sufficient labor in the vineyard? Or canst thou not turn thine excess of energies unto Angry Birds or something?
7. For it is expedient that thou should consider Angry Birds, even as thou are like unto them,
8. Verily, consider the birds of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them,
9. And how often would I have gathered you, even as a hen gathers her chickens under her wings,
10. Yea, for this cause do birds suddenly appear every time thou art near,
11. Even as I, so do they long to be close to thee.
12. Yet I, the Lord, appeared as an humble carpenter.

REALLY! Mormon Jesus is GAY! What happened to all this Mormon Jesus got him some Mary and Martha. Who knew that the Twelve Apostles were truly one with Mormon Jesus (if you know what I mean). Were they one with you one at a time or several at once?

[_CaliforniaKid]

26. Yea, thou must ignite the light and let it shine, and thou shalt own the night like unto the Fourth of July;
27. Wherefore, my son, thou art an firework;
28. Come forth and shew them what thou art worth, and then shall they say, Oh, oh, oh, as thou shootest across the firmament.

LOL!