DiscussMormonism.com

Kishkumen wrote:

cwald wrote:I just want to say thank you Mormon Jesus for helping me find my lost car keys all those times.

Sorry, but my arms are too short to be much help there.

Wait. I'm making tacos, and need your help with the shredded lettuce and cheese.

I beseech thee.

canpakes wrote:Wait. I'm making tacos, and need your help with the shredded lettuce and cheese.

I beseech thee.

My razor sharp teeth should do the trick. Abracadabra.

Mormon Jesus wrote:The word of the Lord had been partitioned away from the rest of the Board, the discussion had been separated and thereby defeated the very purpose of a message board, and Dr. Shades had also made it so the word of the Lord could not be edited after the fact, which is contrary to the principles of latter-day scripture.

Thy humble servant--yea, even Dr. Shades--heareth thy word and hath made the corrections which thou--yea, even Mormon Jesus--seemeth to imply.

Art thou satisfied?

SteelHead wrote:Mormon Jesus is the best Jesus.

I don't know. The new T-Rex Jesus is pretty awesome.

President Newsroom wrote:Ha. This clown is still mad that I swiped right and then ghosted him. Now he's trying to step into my territory. lol

If what you're trying to say, President, is that Jesus is encroaching on your corporate turf, I totally understand and I'm on your side.

Section 168

Revelation given to Mormon Discussions 19 February 2018. On this Presidents Day, the Lord reaffirmed that His Corporation retains a strict policy of political neutrality, instructing members that they are free to vote for the Republican candidate of their choice. Donald Trump's divine appointment as President of the United States is also confirmed. This was part of the gospel principle revealed in ancient times that there must be opposition in all things, such that members must vote for the direct opposite of what they claim to believe in order to bear witness of it.

1-3, Astounding feats of magic granted unto them that serve the Lord; 4-9, saints are free to vote for whichever right wing conservative they choose; 10-20, it's always opposite day in the Lord's kingdom; 21-23, the Lord's influence guided the presidential election; 24-29, those who seek diligently shall obtain a testimony.

1. Hearken, ye people of my message board, and listen to the Lord, even Jesus Christ, who worketh great works through them that believeth in my name,
2. Yea, many signs shall follow them that believe: they shall correctly guess the card thou hast chosen out of the deck; they shall produce a rabbit where previously there was none; they shall saw a woman in half, and she shall not be rent in twain;
3. They shall drink Tahitian Noni Juice and be healed of their afflictions; they shall dream dreams of treasures buried beneath the earth that shall bring gain to those who invest in it before my coming;
4. Yea, my coming upon this land of promise called America, which I have established and set apart from all other lands, and brought forth the Constitution, that there might be freedom of religion among the children of men, that my kingdom might be incorporated without the vexations of taxation or accountability,
5. For it is my will that men should be free to follow the dictates of their own conscience, such as mine holy Corporation shall dictate to them; yea, and that they shall be free in matter of government, to parrot the ideological talking points that have been told to them in whatever time and manner seemeth good unto them,
6. Wherefore, all men are commanded to obey the constitutional laws of this land, such that my Corporation doth not explicitly endorse any particular candidate and risk its untaxed status, which is precious unto me above all other things,
7. And thus ye are commanded to vote for whatever candidate that seemeth good unto thee, for there are many who are righteous and worthy among them; yea, ye shall vote for whomever followeth the Republican Party platform to every jot and tittle, no matter what party with which he might affiliate,
8. Yea, it mattereth not to me what the party affiliation shall be of whatever candidate shall faithfully adhere to the tenets of the religious right; for my Corporation shall be neutral in matters of politics, sayeth the Lord;
9. And inasmuch as my saints in Zion shall follow these principles, they shall be free to vote for either Donald J. Trump or Evan McMullin, as seemeth them good; yea, it matterth not to me whether they shall vote for my servant Donald or against Hillary, for my Corporation shall maintain a strict position of plausible deniability concerning worldly politics;
10. Yea, render unto God the things that are God's, and render unto God also the things that are Caesar's; for my kingdom is not of this world, but mine malls, and restaurants, and resorts, and media outlets, and insurance companies, and real estate developments, are all of this world, and yet they are mine, for all things are spiritual unto me when it beehoveth me that there shall be no distinction, sayeth the lord Jehovah,
11. And on this wise, my saints shall be subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, and shall obey, honor, and sustain the law,
12. For I, the Lord, did forget to remind my saints of this principle from January 20, 2009 until January 19, 2017, and so now it seemeth unto me like a good time to remind thee,
13. Yea, ye shall be subject to my servant Donald, and obey, honor and sustain him, which I shall liken unto the command that I shall put a wife unto her husband,
14. For my servant Donald shall be thy husband, and ye shalt be his wife, and he shall be faithful and true unto ye as if ye were his wife,
15. And my servant Donald hath been established as thine husband, or in other words, thy president, and ye art his handmaiden, even according to the simple truths of my gospel that were revealed unto Lehi and Nephi of old,
16. Yea, that there must be opposition in all things, or all would be as one body and remain as dead,
17. Nevertheless I, the Lord, have commanded my saints that they must be one, and I have also said that if all things are one they remain as dead; wherefore, ye do the math,
18. And in order that there is incorruption, there must needs be corruption, and if truth, there must be untruth, and if there be charity, there must needs be anger and resentment toward thy fellow man,
19. Wherefore, my saints have been commanded to be honest, true, chaste, benevolent, and to do good to all men. Now these things could not be, except that there be opposition in them,
20. And thus my saints shall show their testimony of these things by voting for and supporting their exact opposite, for supporting the opposite of these things, they show that they these are the things in which they really believe, that by continually supporting that which is the opposite of the gospel they proclaim, they show their devotion to the same,
21. For I am the Lord, and my course is one eternal round, or in other words, I keep going in circles, and in this wise did I raise up my servant Donald that there may be opposition to show that my saints do believe in the opposite of what they actually do,
22. Yea, I, the Lord, am not of this world, a foreigner and a stranger to the land in which ye live, and yet did I inspire many to speak up and support my servant Donald, for mine own purposes,
23. Verily, I did instruct them, through the promptings of my spirit, to speak out in diverse places, and even also upon the internet, that as many as would hearken would turn their hearts toward him, that he would lead this land and carry out my will,
24. And in this wise did I......what?
25. Behold, what is this document that thou art handing unto me, even the Lord Jesus Christ?
26. Yea, what meanest thou that I, the Lord, should just read it?
27. "You are hereby commanded to appear and testify before the Grand Jury of......"
28. And now I, the Lord, shall cease speaking for a time, ye people of my board,
29. Verily, ponder the words I have revealed unto ye, that I, the Lord, may manifest myself unto the legal department of mine holy Corporation. Even so. Amen.

I know I logged on for some reason, I seemeth to recall something I read perhaps... but I forgeteth what it was...

And where the hell did Mormon Discussions go.... I can't see it at