I got an interesting email into my inbox today about this new app for Mormons. I have no idea how my email address got on a list. Anyone else get it? I didn't click the link but went to the address myself: https://unicornbooty.com/mastur-plan-ap ... rking-off/
It appears that this particular blogger didn't read the app proposal as satire, which I am certain it is because, among other things, it is being produced by Kinderhook Games. LOL
Without further ado, here is the campaign for the Matur-Plan:
Faithful members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints believe in upholding the Law of Chastity, one of God's most important commandments. The Book of Mormon and modern prophets have taught us that sexual sins are second only to murder in their seriousness before God (Alma 39:3-5).
Masturbation is one such serious violation of the Law of Chastity. This sin in particular can have many serious consequences.
Apostle Mark E Peterson taught:
“Masturbation is a sinful habit that robs one of the Spirit and creates guilt and emotional stress. . . It is a habit that is totally self-centered, and secretive, and in no way expresses the proper use of the procreative power given to man to fulfill eternal purposes. It therefore separates a person from God, and defeats the gospel plan."
~Those who benefit from the status quo always attribute inequities to the choices of the underdog.~Ann Crittenden ~The Goddess is not separate from the world-She is the world and all things in it.~
The app will ask the user if there is anyone present who is pressuring him to masturbate. The apostles quoted above have pointed out the fact that masturbation often happens due to unworthy friends or aquaintainces who encourage us to participate. The Prophet Spencer W Kimball taught this as well.
This was not the case in my own personal experience, but I cannot doubt God's mouthpieces when they tell us that there is a certain subset of the population who go around encouraging others to masturbate. I call these people the Lubricatti.
Those striving to break the habit should be wary of anyone who approaches and asks them to "go rub one out," or who invites them to a "pole greasing party," or a "knob polishing gala." These events are but a few of the tools the Lubricatti use to lead us down the proverbial and possibly literal slippery slope.
Getting back to the app, if the user responds that there is someone present who is trying to convince them to masturbate, then it will walk them through a script of what to say to that person, such as "no."
3) Once the user is out of reach from the Lubricatti, he may progress to the next activity, which I call "Holding to the rod." The Book of Mormon teaches us to "hold to the rod" as a sure means of reaching our spiritual goals, in reference to the iron rod described by the prophet Nephi. Elder Peterson, as quoted above, also advocates firmly grasping a physical object as a means of combatting the urge to masturbate.
The app will display a graphic representing the iron rod. When the user touches the rod, a hand will be displayed firmly grasping the rod. The user may slide the hand back and forth over the rod, but if his fingers break contact with the screen, the hand will let go. Maintaining a grip on the rod thus ensures that both hands remain occupied (one holding the phone, the other "holding" the rod), and therefore the users' hands will be unable to engage in other activity. See below for screenshot:
As the user slides the virtual hand back and forth across the virtual rod, virtual friction is created. Sliding faster creates more friction. With increased friction, the rod will eventually begin to heat up and glow. The end goal is to make the rod white-hot. The user should feel free to engage in this activity with righteous vigor. When the goal is finally achieved, the rod will melt away in an explosion of fireworks, and the app will play soothing gurgling/splashing sounds to help the user relax and bask in the glow of a job well-done.
~Those who benefit from the status quo always attribute inequities to the choices of the underdog.~Ann Crittenden ~The Goddess is not separate from the world-She is the world and all things in it.~
Can you give me an idea about how many times is too many to shake after peeing? I want to be worthy of my future bride by not letting my little factory go off unnecessarily.
Thanks for the question! It is a difficult one, because of how many variables are involved. However, after much pondering, I've come up with a formula anyone can use. Here it is:
Length of the penis (in centimeters) x the girth (in centimeters) x the distance of the arc traveled by the tip of the penis during each shake (in centimeters) x the penile engorgement index (see below for details to calculate this). This calculation will give you a number called the Friction Induced Emission Risk Factor (FIERF).
If you divide your FIERF by 100, it will give you the maximum number of shakes at which you are at low risk for an emission. Some conservative users, or those with "hair triggers" prefer to knock a couple of points off of this number, just to be sure.
Penile engorgement index (used in the equation above): 1: Complete erection 2: Half mast 3: Completely flaccid 4: Completely flaccid with temperature related shrinkage present
Additional care should be taken in public restrooms. As mentioned in the project description, the Lubricatti are everywhere, and you never know when a stranger will egg you on to take those few crucial extra shakes which may lead to a full blown episode.
An important detail to note is that you can control the arc of your flopping penis based on where you grasp it. If you grasp closer to the base, the arc traveled will be significantly longer, and more likely to result in an emission. If you grasp near the tip, the arc will be shorter. Caution should be used not to grasp the tip itself, as tip manipulation has been known to result in emissions regardless of arc-length.
I hope this helps!
PS: I haven't thought of an appropriate name for this calculation. Suggestions always appreciated!
Rewards
$10 reward
6 backers
One copy of the app. Estimated delivery: Dec 2015 $50 reward
1 backer Limited (99 left of 100)
A copy of the app and a printed list of tips for avoiding masturbation. Limited edition,with each list being numbered and signed. This will be printed on a high quality paper with special watermarks of unspecified origin. Estimated delivery: Dec 2015 Ships anywhere in the world $250 reward
1 backer Limited (24 left of 25)
All previous rewards, and a special commemorative 8 inch iron rod that could be displayed tastefully in the home, or used as an actual anti-masturbation aid as outlined in the project description. Estimated delivery: Dec 2015 Ships anywhere in the world $1,000 reward
0 backers Limited (7 left of 7)
All lesser rewards, and your name inscribed on the graphic of the iron rod within the app. Potentially millions of users will virtually stroke you as they battle their urges! Estimated delivery: Dec 2015
~Those who benefit from the status quo always attribute inequities to the choices of the underdog.~Ann Crittenden ~The Goddess is not separate from the world-She is the world and all things in it.~
However, I developed some techniques to help me overcome my problem, and eventually I prevailed. I am proud to say that, at the time of this writing, it has been 17 years, 43 days and 16 hours since my last masturbatory event.
And your wife does not know what an orgasm is because you are a two pump chump?
New name: Boaz The most viewed "ignored" poster in Shady Acres® !
MrSimpleton wrote:I am having difficulty beleiving this was anything other than a deliberate kickstarter scam.
Shrinkage Goals
("Stretch" goals being inappropriate for this subject matter)
-- $250,000: We will work to give the app the functionality to send progress reports to your Bishop or anyone you choose. If you slip up, the app will notify your designee via text, email, and Facebook post.
New name: Boaz The most viewed "ignored" poster in Shady Acres® !
just me wrote:I got an interesting email into my inbox today about this new app for Mormons. I have no idea how my email address got on a list. Anyone else get it?
I didn't. It might have something to do with the sort of places you hang out online and the 'breadcrumbs' that are left around? Seems like there would be a connection.
Don't ask me to ask others at church tomorrow whether or not they got the email. Like anyone would own up to it, right?
just me wrote:I got an interesting email into my inbox today about this new app for Mormons. I have no idea how my email address got on a list. Anyone else get it?
I didn't. It might have something to do with the sort of places you hang out online and the 'breadcrumbs' that are left around? Seems like there would be a connection.
Don't ask me to ask others at church tomorrow whether or not they got the email. Like anyone would own up to it, right?
Regards, MG
True, I do love the gays so maybe its that.
Actually my husband sent it to me. Lol
~Those who benefit from the status quo always attribute inequities to the choices of the underdog.~Ann Crittenden ~The Goddess is not separate from the world-She is the world and all things in it.~
Like anyone would own up to it, right? 