On Going Inactive

[_consiglieri]

The last time my wife and I attended church was the first week of July, 2014.

It has been almost a year and a half now.

Attending church had become too much of a spiritual ordeal for both of us, so we took the opportunity of our youngest leaving home to cease attending.

I have been surprised as to how silently we have been allowed to sink beneath the surface, leaving hardly a ripple behind.

The first time anybody from church contacted us was in a Christmas card last year from the wife of a former bishop, who wrote one line, "Where are you guys?"

The next time was a visit we had in March of this year, when the bishop dropped by with one of his counselors. Our bishop is a nice guy, and explained that the purpose of his visit was to ensure that we were still willing to pay the bill for the mission our youngest is planning.

For the first several months after we stopped attending, I remember checking my cell phone Saturday afternoon and again Sunday morning to see if anybody from church had contacted me wanting me to do something, or just to say hello.

Always the result was the same. No phone calls. No messages.

It isn't like I necessarily want people from church to be contacting me, or that I think it would make any difference in my decision to stop attending.

But I am surprised that, after 25-years in the same stake (and 20-years for my wife), being very active, holding many callings, there is so little in the way of outreach from those I knew and thought were my friends.

It has been a learning experience.

All the Best!

--Consiglieri

[_Markk]

The last time my wife and I attended church was the first week of July, 2014.

It has been almost a year and a half now.

Attending church had become too much of a spiritual ordeal for both of us, so we took the opportunity of our youngest leaving home to cease attending.

I have been surprised as to how silently we have been allowed to sink beneath the surface, leaving hardly a ripple behind.

The first time anybody from church contacted us was in a Christmas card last year from the wife of a former bishop, who wrote one line, "Where are you guys?"

The next time was a visit we had in March of this year, when the bishop dropped by with one of his counselors. Our bishop is a nice guy, and explained that the purpose of his visit was to ensure that we were still willing to pay the bill for the mission our youngest is planning.

For the first several months after we stopped attending, I remember checking my cell phone Saturday afternoon and again Sunday morning to see if anybody from church had contacted me wanting me to do something, or just to say hello.

Always the result was the same. No phone calls. No messages.

It isn't like I necessarily want people from church to be contacting me, or that I think it would make any difference in my decision to stop attending.

But I am surprised that, after 25-years in the same stake (and 20-years for my wife), being very active, holding many callings, there is so little in the way of outreach from those I knew and thought were my friends.

It has been a learning experience.

All the Best!

--Consiglieri

Curious, did you contact members that 'disappeared' when you were active?

Of your "friends," how many were friend beyond church that you actually hung out with? Did that stop?

The reason I ask is I went through the same thing and I found out the only thing I had in common with them was the church. I did play on a city league softball team with several members so we stayed in contact, but after we disbanded the team, we never really kept in touch except for a "hey bro" at the supermarket.

Except for the friends I actually grew up with in the church, and hung out with at school, got in trouble with, were in each others weddings etc. In other words real friends with real relationships beyond "the church?"

[_sock puppet]

The first time anybody from church contacted us was in a Christmas card last year from the wife of a former bishop, who wrote one line, "Where are you guys?"

The next time was a visit we had in March of this year, when the bishop dropped by with one of his counselors. Our bishop is a nice guy, and explained that the purpose of his visit was to ensure that we were still willing to pay the bill for the mission our youngest is planning.

I think that is very interesting. Given what you've reported about what you would say in church prior to going inactive, perhaps your ward/stake has assumed the reasons for your inactivity and perhaps accurately at what those assumed reasons are. The bishop did bring a counselor as a 'wing man' for the visit, and he asked about whether you were yet willing to foot the cost of your youngest's planned mission. Not, "Is there a reason you're not coming to church any more?" Instead he wanted to find out how far removed you might be, whether that would even extend to perhaps an unwillingness to pay for your youngest's mission.

If you were yet active, and the bishop came to your house to discuss the financial aspect of the mission, I suspect he might have come alone or asked to meet you in his office--alone. But fearing that they were walking into what might be a lion's den, they came in a pair.

[_harmony]

I'm not sure church members really know how to be friends. They're pretty good at being home teachers or visiting teachers, but friends? Not so much.

[_Doctor CamNC4Me]

I'm not sure church members really know how to be friends. They're pretty good at being home teachers or visiting teachers, but friends? Not so much.

Bingo. When you have essentially every aspect of your life correlated you really don't know how to be outside those lines.

- Doc

[_Everybody Wang Chung]

I'm not sure church members really know how to be friends. They're pretty good at being home teachers or visiting teachers, but friends? Not so much.

A good example of this is what Daniel C. Peterson recently did to Liz.

[_Fence Sitter]

I'm not sure church members really know how to be friends. They're pretty good at being home teachers or visiting teachers, but friends? Not so much.

My home teacher has gone out of his way over the years to build our friendship, even going so far as to tell the EQP that he should remain as my HT as I have made it clear I probably will not be willing to sit down with someone different. I consider him to be one of my best friends and he is primarily responsible for the friendship.

So for what it's worth, not all home teachers are just there for duty's sake.

[_why me]

I'm not sure church members really know how to be friends. They're pretty good at being home teachers or visiting teachers, but friends? Not so much.

Members are in a catch 22. On the one hand, I remember exmos moaning and groaning about the church that never leaves them alone. And now we have the OP types who do leave members alone. I don't think that they know what to do because they are damned if they do or damned if they don't. Also, from knowing consig on both boards, I do not think that when he left, he gave them that loving feelin.

[_Mayan Elephant]

Members are in a catch 22. On the one hand, I remember exmos moaning and groaning about the church that never leaves them alone. And now we have the OP types who do leave members alone. I don't think that they know what to do because they are damned if they do or damned if they don't. Also, from knowing consig on both boards, I do not think that when he left, he gave them that loving feelin.

the catch is because the relationship is contrived and based on beliefs not people.

real friendships are not subject to damning.

[_Kishkumen]

I am sorry to hear this, consiglieri. I am Facebook friends with folks from my old ward--the one I attended as a kid up to the time I left for BYU. Some of them seem pretty confused by my posts. But, it is nice to know that they are still out there. I still love these folks. What can I say? They probably think I have gone off the deep end, but it doesn't bother me. I am also Facebook friends with a lady I taught as a missionary. We baptized her. She, too, does not understand me much either. Oh well. I think we all still love each other on one level, but bridging those huge gaps is hard for everyone. I don't vote Republican and I don't think God is behind the new policy excluding the kids of married gays from Church membership, so the gaps are not small.