I confess: this is one of my favorite times of year. I love the fall term. New students have arrived on campus. The leaves begin to turn. The stifling heat of summer gives way to the gentle and cool breezes of autumn. And, of course, with fall comes our annual Sampson Avard Golden Scepter Award. As you may know, Dean Robbers established this award some time ago--and it is a great honor indeed, having been given in the past to such luminaries as Grant Hardy, Bill Hamblin, Neal Rappleye, and Gerald Bradford. The award, to quote from the charge that is given to the nominating committee each year, is that the Golden Scepter should be "given to a person--nearly always a believing and committed Latter-day Saint--who has contributed the most to our understanding of Mopologetics." It is my great honor to name the awardees this year--and yes, you heard correctly: this year, there are two recipients. The first of these, I'm sure, needs no introduction. Please join me in a round of applause for the 2019 recipient, Louis Midgley!!!
Midgley has demonstrated, with almost unwavering alacrity, that Mopologetics is a fundamentally sadistic enterprise: something designed to humiliate, shame, and punish anyone who runs afoul of the goals of Mopologetics. His track record of viciousness is unparalleled, and his status within the group as something of an "Emperor Palpatine" means that he will not be countered or opposed by anyone in his general vicinity. Whatever the case may be, this year's Golden Scepter Nominating Committee felt that Midgley deserved the award thanks his endlessly revelatory performance on Sic et Non, where, nearly every day, he teaches the world what Mopologetics is really all about.
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This year's co-recipient of the Golden Scepter is someone who has generally existed on the fringes of Mopologetics, but whose volcanic rage led to a recent eruption on the blog called "Faith Promoting Rumor." The Nominating Committee was unanimous in its decision on this one: by providing us with such a clear and incisive window into the true spirit of Mopologetics, there is just no way that we could have failed to co-award this year's Golden Scepter to Blake Ostler!!!
With his effulgent head of hair, and with a sartorial sensibility that seems lifted straight from the secret gambling parlors and strip clubs of South Philadelphia, Ostler cuts a striking figure. In his remarks on "Faith Promoting Rumor," he first asserted that Louis Midgley had "passed," only to later recant and claim that Midgley had "passed" from the "scholarly scene." Then, he threatened several of the commentators on the post, claiming that he had somehow procured their private information, and that he intended to use it against them. Again, the Committee felt that this couldn't go unrecognized: Ostler has taught us something very revealing and important about Mopologetics.
Folks, this year, the competition was stiff indeed, hence our decision to award the prize to two individuals. Please join me in extending to them a hearty round of congratulations! Hoist a glass! Hurl a macuahuitl! Or, if you'd prefer, take a comfortable stroll over to the atrium beside the Dean's Office in order to view the stunning plaque with all the names of past winners. This is a high honor indeed, and it is my pleasure as Cassius's B. H. Chair of Mopologetics Studies to be able to confer the prize on these two highly-deserving people.
Three cheers for Louis Midgley and Blake Ostler!