Re: Death of Tom Kimball
Posted: Fri Oct 16, 2020 12:03 am
Lindsay Hansen Park posted the following on Facebook, and I think it is important to share widely. Lindsay has many followers in addition to her friends, so this is not a private post.
Today has been a weird day. I'm hesitant to keep talking because I am tired and I don't need to keep making this about me. I need to find a way to let those who are grieving a father, brother, son, etc, to do that without all this noise.
But because I'm tired, I am irritated. I haven't had a lot of sleep in the last three weeks. When I found out the news about Tom, I was sick. I had to sit on it quietly for a week until I began to verify and talk to victims. Once I knew what they wanted, I felt comfortable telling people for the sake of safety.
I told the people in my purview, people who I thought would be impacted by this coming out, as the victims moved forward with their plans. I wanted to tell some of those who loved Tom like I did, in person. I know some thought me as... I'm not even sure- gossipy? Yeah, I'm a chatterbox. Get over it. If I found out my friend who has hurt many women and lied to me about lots of things is dangerous, I'm going to say something about it. I wish I had known earlier. I was in danger because I didn't know.
It felt right and honest to me to tell our friends. It felt like a kindness to Tom because I told myself that he needed someone to stand for him long ago, like I was standing for his victims today. Knowing what I know about the situation, I believe Tom was victimized as a child.
I say this not to diminish his responsibility, but perhaps to amplify it. I know victims sometimes perpetrate, but not all of them do. Many break the cycle. They do the work and they break it. I have seen it. There are few brave enough to do it, but they exist.
The ones that do perpetrate can choose to change at any time. I know some strong people who have done this. I don't care how compulsive or inherent this feels. You can victimize and you can stop. You can do things to prevent yourself from hurting others. That often involves turning yourself in. That is what bravery is.
I know I'm making that sound simple. What I mean is, if you are hurting people like this, it's wrong. That's why it's so secretive. And if you know it's wrong, that's excellent news. That means you have a conscious and that also means you can take responsibility. It won't be pretty or easy. But rooting out poison is a painful purge. It will cost and hurt. You will pay the debt of many years of generational trauma. The last hope I had for Tom was that he would be brave.
What I am crying about today is, I wanted so much for Tom to face it. It was so important to me for him to do this. It was important because the man that I loved with such an open heart- I couldn't bear to believe he was anything other but redemptive and good. Because that's how he made me feel. I wanted to return the favor. I wanted him to have the courage to fix this. He had a chance to make some of his victims feel better. He had a way to help turn this around.
I know some of you will not understand this. I know you believe I am doing this for attention, or out of misguided rage or whatever. I know there are people who do not believe me and will not. That's about you, not me. Tom was guilty. He was guilty.
I do not think it is fair, that people will applaud my work when I'm sitting next to the victims of Warren Jeffs, but not when I'm putting my own house in order. Tom was part of my heart. It isn't right that he did this.
Warren Jeffs is the father to many people I love and care about. How are we any better or different than them? Why do we need those outside of us to face the facts about someone like Warren but we won't do it with our own? That's not right.
This isn't fun for me. I'm not having a good time. I don't get paid enough for this nonsense. And it's nonsense, it really is, to not be believed, over and over. I don't want to keep wasting my precious energy on the shame of our men. They need to help carry this too. To have this problem be so systemic and we all just keep adding our fear and shame to feed it. You know what's not working? Pretending it's not all around all of us, all the time.
If you loved Tom, then I will say this: Tom deserved better. We should have helped him. If he was indeed victimized, he needed help. I know our punishments are punitive. I believe in restorative justice. But this is the best we have right now. If you care about that, then work to improve it. Because this whole thing, the way this whole thing played out is just the failure of so many things. So many that Tom is not responsible for. I am mourning that today.
But he does need to be responsible for the things within the nexus of his control. He had multiple times to correct this. He hurt so many women. My brain is still trying to understand how anyone could do these things that Tom has. I've got some mourning to do around this still.
Most victims were not asking for criminal repercussions. They wanted to be believed. But I stand with those who wanted him on the registry or in prison. I stand with however the victims feel about this. It is the right they earned when he perpetrated against them. When he took pictures of them, terrified them, confused them. When he made his own children feel shame for being brave enough to break this cycle. I have been mourning that one for three weeks.
To me, they and the victims are heroes in the Kimball legacy. I hope someone writes good things about them someday. Heber C. has brought some pain into this world, but he's got descendants who are stopping it.
As the news has settled in over his death, I am gutted. I know there are others that are angry or confused that we would still feel love for a man who hurt so much. I understand this feeling. I don't think it's a coincidence many in my community are on very opposites of this. Black and white, fight or flight thinking are trauma responses. And Mormonism, unfortunately is so full of it.
So of course people can't hold space for the complexity this is going to require. We are all walking wounded. I mourn with all of those feelings.
If you loved Tom, do this one last service. Don't fail him in this. Be his friend. One of the things I loved about Tom was his frontier spirit. I think we can honor a similar pioneering narrative where we have a chance here, to model a complex discourse. In mourning someone who we only experienced the good side, we can let others mourn their relationships they had to Tom too. Many of those were not good experiences and they were as real as your love for him is. Some are absolutely, heartbreakingly tragic. Tom hurt people. Don't ask those he hurt to be erased to make you feel better.
Mourning and grief is very individual. As we do it collectively, we can model some healing for others in the community, who will inevitably face similar circumstances. I feel like we have to.
I mean it. We have to stop the patterns we inherited. We lost Tom to this. It didn't have to be this way. We can't just keep doing the same old things. We need change. Hold Tom as accountable as you'd hold the church, or the FLDS.
Maybe I am a busybody. A little Mormon woman in the business of others. But this is nasty business and I didn't invent his sins. I don't want any of this. It was the last nice thing I could do for him to try to help him face this, although I do not think he appreciated it. I would have held his hand as he talked to the officer. To honor the victim in him.
I know that Tom found out I told some orgs that I felt would be impacted this news. It is possible he threatened to hurt me, so an Unified officer called me and there I verified more of the details and learned there were other cases outside of the 9 victims I knew about. I'm not sure if I was in danger. I'd like to believe Tom wouldn't hurt me. Like I told others, I find it a kindness he didn't take me with him as he threatened to do.
I will say his victims are likely making a statement soon. They want to be heard and I hope that when they do, we can honor their grief in all of this as well.
One last thing, right now I really need to thank my friends. They've been with me through this mess. To Bob for answering messages. For the amazing Mormon feminists that will always have my back on this. For the men who are mourning Tom as I am, in all the complexities.
And again, stand back. I'm grieving. I don't need you to hate Tom or love him or believe or not. I just needed to tell the truth so my friend wouldn't hurt more people.
I think also that I want to apologize to Kelly and Tom's children and victims, especially if my involvement has compounded your grief. I have tried to act within the permissions of the victims and I recognize that is still hurtful to those who have complicated feelings right now. I also want to say, "I believe you" to all his victims and his children and I think you are all the bravest and honorable parts of the Kimball legacy.
I want our Tom to have been able to rest and have peace here, but Tom opted out of that. Tonight I feel manipulated by that, but I too get time to have complicated feelings on the matter.