The Great Shoulder Liberation of Zion Parts I,II & III

[Fence Sitter]

In the land of Zion, where the mountains stood tall and the casseroles bubbled at precisely 350 degrees, a great proclamation echoed across the valleys: Women may now bare their shoulders.

Gasps rippled through Relief Societies from Provo to Pocatello. Sister Jensen dropped her crochet hook mid-stitch. Brother Wilcox nearly choked on his funeral potato. And little Emma Lou, age nine and three-quarters, whispered to her best friend during Primary, “Does this mean my doll can finally wear her summer dress?”

The news came not by burning bush nor golden plate, but through a quietly worded update on the Church’s website — discovered first by a returned sister missionary who was googling “modest tankini.” The post simply read:

“While we continue to encourage modesty, the wearing of sleeveless tops is a matter of personal discretion.”

Personal discretion?! This was more shocking than caffeine in the BYU Creamery.

Ward councils were hastily convened. Bishopric meetings stretched into the wee hours. One panicked elders quorum president was heard muttering, “If shoulders are okay, what’s next? Ankles?”

But among the Young Women, the news spread like wildfire. Mia Maids and Laurels stormed the Deseret Book apparel section, only to find it still sold exclusively cardigans. So they marched — respectfully, reverently — to Target, where they stood in front of the sleeveless section like pioneers beholding the Salt Lake Valley.

In Parowan, Sister Fernabelle Christiansen, age 93 and as sweet as the raspberry jam she bottled in '67, leaned on her cane and declared to her Relief Society sisters, “If Joseph Smith had seen shoulders like these, the Restoration would’ve taken two weeks, tops. Three if Emma made him do the laundry.”

Meanwhile, Sister Donna McBride, age 78 and a veteran of three generations of floral blouses, quietly cut the sleeves off her old temple dress “just to see how it felt.” She immediately reported feeling a draft — and also liberation.

Not all welcomed the change.

Brother Clive Farnsworth of the Tooele 6th Ward started a petition titled “Return to the Arms of Zion (Fully Covered).” It gathered eleven signatures, including two dogs.

But for most, it became just another step in the unfolding mystery of modern revelation — right next to digital tithing and the two-hour block.

And so it was that, one Sunday in late June, the first bare shoulders graced a sacrament meeting since the Great Pioneer Trek of 1847. There was no lightning. No organ malfunction. The bread and water were passed as usual. And a sweet sister gave a talk on repentance while wearing a tasteful cap-sleeve top that, according to legend, may have been purchased in a normal store without a layering tee.

And in the back pew, Sister Donna McBride leaned over to her granddaughter and whispered:

“Don’t let anyone tell you modesty can't include sunshine.”

[Morley]

Literary genius.

[Marcus]

Awesome.

[Fence Sitter]

The Great Shoulder Liberation of Zion: Part Two – The Zion Sleeveless Underground

“Sister Holt’s niece just flew in from Singapore,” murmured Sister Ray in the Relief Society hallway. “She wore a sleeveless garment top to bunco night.”

Gasps. Pearls clutched. Chicken salad left untouched.

Within days, word spread faster than rumors about ward boundary changes: The new sleeveless garments were already in the U.S.—you just had to know where to look.

Though still not officially sanctioned for American saints, it didn’t stop what would soon be known in hushed tones as “the Zion Sleeveless Underground.”

Pilgrimage for the Pits
Travel agencies in Utah County saw a sudden surge in bookings labeled “spiritual garment retreats.” Flights to humid places like Bangkok, Accra, and Guam sold out for months. One enterprising group of Young Women leaders in Alpine disguised their trip as “Girls Camp: Tropic Edition” and came back with tans, testimony meeting selfies, and four suitcases full of black-market tops.

“I just felt the Spirit tell me my armpits were ready,” one testified.

Back Alley Blessings
In downtown Salt Lake, an unmarked door behind a pawn shop led to a dimly lit room scented with funeral potatoes and lavender essential oils. There, a woman known only as “Sister X” offered garments sewn in Honduras, screen-printed with plausible-but-misspelled tags.

“Look,” she whispered, holding one up. “The angel has six fingers, but nobody notices under a jean jacket.”

Prices were steep. One desperate stake president’s wife reportedly traded a full year of Thrive food storage — powdered eggs included — for a single pair of moisture-wicking, shoulderless wonders.

Sleeves? I Don’t Know Her
On eBay, listings appeared almost overnight:

“RARE! Sleeveless Temple Top – Lightly Used – Ships from Orem – Bidding starts at $499 OR will trade for Crumbl gift card + eternal gratitude.”

Facebook Marketplace wasn’t much better. One seller offered “two sleeveless tops, gently worn, only cried in once,” with a disclaimer: “Will deliver discreetly in a repurposed Deseret Book bag.”

The Influencers Ascend
LDS lifestyle influencers began filming slow-motion unboxings to the strains of If You Could Hie to Kolob (Lo-fi Remix). One went viral for a reel in which she dramatically shed a cardigan while standing on Ensign Peak, declaring: “I am no longer bound by threads nor thermoregulation!”

She later signed a deal with a startup offering “Garment Glamor” boxes: $79.99/month for a mystery sleeveless item, a scented quote card, and a packet of consecrated collagen.

Official Church Response
The Church PR department, when asked for comment, issued a one-line statement:

“We encourage members to exercise both faith and discretion — especially when shopping online.”

Ward Divides and Divine Drafts
Tensions grew in chapel foyers. Sleeved sisters squinted at bare-armed attendees, wondering who had “gone rogue.” Bishoprics quietly debated whether to pass sacrament to those in cap sleeves. In Ogden, one Relief Society president was caught checking for garment lines mid-hug.

Meanwhile, sales of sewing machines and YouTube DIY tutorials skyrocketed. The new cottage industry: convert your old garments into new ones with a pair of scissors, a prayer, and plausible deniability.

And so the Second Wave of the Shoulder Movement swept across Zion — not in fire and brimstone, but in brisket swaps, eBay sniping, and summer trips labeled as “missions of mercy.” No revelation. No handbook update. Just an eternal truth emerging slowly through polyester blend and sweat: the arms of the Lord are outstretched still… and so are ours.

[Fence Sitter]

The Great Shoulder Liberation of Zion: Part Three – The Clavicle Controversy

As sleevelessness spread across Zion like butter on a funeral roll, not everyone was ready to embrace the breeze.

In dusty home offices filled with outdated FARMS newsletters, niche translations of the Book of Abraham, and framed portraits of Bruce R. McConkie, a coalition began to form. It was made up of self-ordained scholars, retired CES instructors, and one particularly passionate BYU-Idaho adjunct professor of ancient Nephite textiles.

They called themselves:
“Mormon Scholars Who Bare Their Testimonies, Not Their Shoulders.”

Their homepage featured sepia-toned headshots, 9-point Times New Roman font, and a stylized banner of the Ten Commandments Photoshopped to include “Thou shalt not flash thy deltoid.” The page crashed weekly under the weight of its WordArt headers and a blinking GIF of a modestly dressed Ammon.

Their slogan? Plastered across bumper stickers and temple tote bags across the Morridor:
“Cover the Clavicle.”

The War of Words
Though their journal articles were neither peer-reviewed nor particularly readable, they were passionate. One widely-shared essay claimed that the phrase “white and delightsome” in Reformed Egyptian, when viewed through a “non-liberal covenantal lens,” originally meant “white and delightsome shoulders” — implying not only a spiritual quality, but an expectation of modest concealment beneath no fewer than two layers.

Another article, titled “The Parable of the Prodigal Tank Top,” suggested that the lost son’s true offense was failing to wear an over-shirt while feeding swine.

Yet another warned of the coming apostasy known as the Great Shoulder Drift, wherein “feminine modesty dissolves, one cap sleeve at a time.”

Modesty Firesides and Fringe Doctrine
Soon, firesides popped up across the intermountain West. Titles included:

“From Sinai to Sleeve: A Covenant Theology of Upper Arm Coverage”

“Garments of Skin: What Did Adam and Eve Really Wear?”

“When in Zarahemla: How the Stripling Warriors Covered Their Womenfolk”

Speakers used laser pointers, homemade PowerPoints, and extensive footnotes referencing themselves. One particularly spirited presentation ended with a passionate call to arms (and armpits): “The strength of Zion lies not in bare skin, but in the cotton-poly blend of obedience!”

A Modesty Moroni Moment
In perhaps the most dramatic moment yet, the group published a digital rendering of Moroni atop the Salt Lake Temple—not blowing his trumpet, but holding up a sign reading:
“SLEEVES OR SORROW.”

The Church quietly clarified that Moroni was still pro-trumpet, but the image had already gone viral among message boards like “LDS Moms for Modesty” and “Anti-Anti-Anti-Mormon Watch.”

The Saints Respond
Reaction among the general membership was… mixed.

Some sympathized, others sighed. One seminary student in Draper started a rival group called “Saints for Shoulder Sovereignty.” Their unofficial mascot was a small crocheted angel with exposed delts and a confident smirk.

As tensions rose, one bishop in Sandy had to remind his ward over the pulpit, “Please refrain from leaving shoulder-related leaflets on car windshields in the stake center parking lot. We are not a battleground. We are a people.”

And yet, the debate raged on.

Would the General Authorities speak at Conference? Would the Strength of Youth pamphlet receive an addendum? Could a peace accord be reached over shared Jell-O salads?

Only time — and possibly an angel with well-defined scapulae — would tell.

[drumdude]

The Lord has given unto us garments of the holy priesthood, and you know what that means. And yet there are those of us who mutilate them, in order that we may follow the foolish vain and (permit me to say) indecent practices of the world. In order that such people may imitate the fashions, they will not hesitate to mutilate that which should be held by them the most sacred of all things in the world, next to their own virtue, next to their own purity of life. They should hold these things that God has given unto them sacred, unchanged and unaltered from the very pattern in which God gave them. Let us have the moral courage to stand against the opinions of fashion, and especially where fashion compels us to break a covenant and so commit a grievous sin.

https://bhroberts.org/records/09wgH3-kO ... _unchanged