Just a teenager?

[_Jersey Girl]

With regards to the OP. You are like sooooo olllllld. ;-)

What are the rules you have for them when they stay with you?

[_skippy the dead]

Also, can Steve bring good twin over but leave evil twin home, under the (true) pretense that evil twin hasn't earned the privilege yet?

Spending time with Dad should NOT be considered a privilege. It's a necessity.

[_Sam Harris]

Skippy, I agree that it is a necessity, which is why I agreed to let them come and stay, even though we've only be installed in our own place so soon. But in a way it is a vacation from home, they aren't living here, we intend to go on outings and do (hopefully) fun things. I am not for letting the rebellious one in on these things if she insists on being lazy and impudent. Can we leave her at home? I say no problem with that, but she might try to turn it into a favortism thing.

I have a huge problem with these teens these days that think they're just supposed to sit around and watch TV/surf the net all day, and do nothing but eat up their parents resources.


LOL Jersey Girl, I'm an old fart. I'm supposed to be the "young, hip stepmom", but I feel like I'm going to end up being the villain here.

Heaven only knows what would happen if they were to come live with us. But it's early, we'll see if Steve says anything to fiesty one. If we go this month without him disciplining her, I will not advocate them coming to live if their mom goes overseas. They can go live with grandma and come visit on weekends.

[Guest]

Just a general comment: you really have no authority over the girls. It's just an unpleasant side effect of the situation (they're already established individuals, you aren't married yet, they haven't had time to get to know you well prior to a pending marriage). You can try to push Steve to act as you'd like, but in the end, if he won't do what you want, you're kind of stuck with the result. You need to consider this as you plan for your future. Feisty girl is not going away anytime soon. And you can easily be seen as an interloper (especially with the new child on the way that will necessarily detract from Steve's attentions to her). The reality is, the best you can do is find an ear to bend when things make you cranky, because unless Steve makes a change, things will likely only get worse.

Word of caution - I've seen first hand the successful results of a determined girl's efforts to push a second spouse out of the picture. You certainly don't want to create the feeling of "it's me or her", in particular with the new child on the way. Everybody loses then.

Edit: This came out sounding harsher than I meant. I was just trying to say that I understand the frustration and powerlessness, and that there's a delicate dance involved. It's a by-product of blended families, really.

[_Sam Harris]

With regards to the OP. You are like sooooo olllllld. ;-)

What are the rules you have for them when they stay with you?

All I really want is for feisty twin to clean up after herself. She won't do that unless you literally stand over her. I'm exhausted when I get home, I don't have time for that, and Steve seems to think it's cute. She'll lay in bed all day texting or talking on the phone, the room will get to the point where you can't see the floor, and if you ask her to do anything, she looks at you with attitude.

Just clean up after yourself. Why is that so hard?

[_Sam Harris]

Just a general comment: you really have no authority over the girls. It's just an unpleasant side effect of the situation (they're already established individuals, you aren't married yet, they haven't had time to get to know you well prior to a pending marriage). You can try to push Steve to act as you'd like, but in the end, if he won't do what you want, you're kind of stuck with the result. You need to consider this as you plan for your future. Feisty girl is not going away anytime soon. And you can easily be seen as an interloper (especially with the new child on the way that will necessarily detract from Steve's attentions to her). The reality is, the best you can do is find an ear to bend when things make you cranky, because unless Steve makes a change, things will likely only get worse.

Word of caution - I've seen first hand the successful results of a determined girl's efforts to push a second spouse out of the picture. You certainly don't want to create the feeling of "it's me or her", in particular with the new child on the way. Everybody loses then.

I have been in the situation the girls are in with my father's second relationship. I am determined that they should understand I'm not here to replace them, and my child never can. Still, their father is just as deserving of a life as their mother is. What Steve doesn't realize is the depth of my independence, if he wants to be hammered for more child support and go live with his parents because he doesn't want to teach the fiesty one to respect me, he can.

My stepmother never married my dad, it was common law, but I still respected her. Marriage is not the issue. I'm not going to put up with crap because I don't have his last name yet. That girl is in MY house.

I may not be their parent, but I pay the bills in that house, and I will not have roaches and filth. No matter who the kid belongs to, when they are in my house they abide by my rules. If I'm caring for them in their house, they abide by the rules of the parents. It's just my nanny training. Kids don't get to rule...ever. You rule when you get a job and your own place. You get rewarded for good behavior.

The calmer twin gets up and does what she's supposed to. She's pleasant. Steve's mom warned him about letting the feisty twin do just what you've talked about (try to come between us). It's up to him if he wants to let that happen.

I'm the first female they've ever met that their father dated. They do not seem to object to our relationship, in fact the calmer twin stays under me. It seems like the fiesty twin just thinks she's grown. Everyone else around her thinks it's cute, I find it unattractive. I just wasn't raised that way. And some of the parents I've talked to about this are kind of puzzled.

I'm glad it's only a month...

[_Sam Harris]

Skippy, I understand. I was reading on another forum where the person pretty much put it like this. Kids come first, ex comes second, any children you have with your spouse come next, and you come last. I would hope it's not going to be that way with us (at least put the adulterating ex last, goodness, I'll come next to last), but my fiancee doesn't seem to want to face his kids. We have enough on our plate without having to deal with this, and I know he sees this.

I talk to my mom about it (IRONY), but it's still frustrating. I was reading on a forum today, that there are some people who just don't like their stepkids. I don't want that, I want to love the girls, but the feisty one is making it hard for me to give out my affections.

I dealt with a younger brother (who I helped raise) who didn't have any structure, and hence refused to listen, refused to bathe, threw tantrums. I have a huge sore spot when it comes to belligerent teens. I know they don't have to be...I've seen many who are not.

[_Jersey Girl]

LOL Jersey Girl, I'm an old fart. I'm supposed to be the "young, hip stepmom", but I feel like I'm going to end up being the villain here.

You're an old pregnant fart and you had sex with their Daddy. EWWWWWWW!

[_Sam Harris]

ROFLMAO!!!

Ok, when you put it that way...oh I'm glad my boss just left, that made me laugh so hard.

LOL, both Daddy and I are going to go home, cook dinner, and chill. He's tired too. We need a tempur pedic, because I swear he spazzes in his sleep. The snoring is bad enough. But I'm getting used to it. :-)

Going to get the girls pool passes on Wednesday, that should get them out of the house for a while...

Perhaps I'm just worrying too much (I hope so), but the feisty one has unnerved me. I wanted to take them to the Smithsonians, and a couple of other sites, but it doesn't seem like they'd be interested in that. They're not sure enough of the landscape here to go to the library (the bus stops in front of my apartment and in front of the library and is a 7 minute ride). I told them if they find a movie they'd like to see, I'd come get them on my lunch hour and drop them off to pick them up after work.

I'm not trying to be totally evil...but it just makes my hair stand on end to see a youngster look at me with "you're old and you don't understand" contempt.

One of my charges told me once that she couldn't do her chores because she had ADD. I said to her, "yes, you have asswhuppin deficit disorder".

She mopped the floor.

[_Sam Harris]

Can Brazleton's books be bought in places like Borders or Barnes and Noble?