Hello Again

[_Sam Harris]

Hey All,

Shades, you are right. In many ways I have lost them. When I look back over the past several years, and see what I've had to go through alone, I realize that all these people who were supposed to care for me haven't been there...and they're not that far away, it's not too difficult to find me...they just didn't. It's easier to listen to rumor (mom's words) than it is to get both sides of the story, I guess.

It's just hard to let go.

Jersey Girl, you are right as well. I already know what type of grandmother my mom will be, even though I keep holding out. She makes me feel beholden to her for every thing she does, just for putting down $100 towards the room for my baby shower and bringing some drinks, she declared she wouldn't be doing anything for the baby for several years. She wouldn't watch him or buy him clothes until he was "old enough to wear them". But she'll brag to everyone about her grandson.

For a long while I was so afraid to have kids, because everyone kept telling me I was like Mom...which to me meant I had the capacity to abuse my kids the way she did me. But now I can't see myself being in any other position. I can't wait for him to get here. I don't know if I'll ever be able to have another, but I do know he won't have my childhood.

We're moving next year. It's only across state lines, but it's far enough to keep her at bay.

Where did mom lose control? I think it was when she trusted my dad. He cheated on her...several times. He wouldn't work. I guess he didn't live up to her expectations. She's always complaining about how he ruined her life. But the fault lay with both of them. I've said before, if they were grown enough to screw in the back of his car, they were grown enough to go up to the pharmacist and ask for condoms...even if the man knew their parents. Both of my parents were just too immature for marriage...but they did what they were "supposed to do" back then, and all it's done is backfire over and over again for the past 30+years. I sometimes want to tell my mom that dad is dead when she starts in about him, but it won't help.

Mom does "the right thing" because she cares what other people think, and know that others are always watching. But that desire to do the right thing never reaches her heart. And I always fall for it, I'm always trusting. I have to break that habit.