The DoubtingThomas dating / relationships MEGATHREAD

[_Dr. Shades]

Ajax, your posting over the years makes it sound like you hate your wife.

I've pretty much hated all my romantic relationships.

Wow. I must say, I admire your honesty.

[_Jersey Girl]

Ok. Nevermind. Then I'm not sure what you're dancing around then. The other options about what's wrong with DT aren't as sympathetic. Dude writes as a raging misogynist who seems clueless about it and you ought to be careful when trying to run over those hot coals. There's an obsession with youth and sexual innocence through-line to a lot his posting that has a creepy vibe as well. ASD is better than being a hebephile (not that they're mutually exclusive).

Thanks for re-checking my comments, EA. I know we've discussed ASD prior. I was offering an alternative explanation this go round. I thought I was pretty clear in what I wrote. Let me try saying it a different way. An inexperienced guy having lost time due to in real life issues (leaving religious group/re-constructing self image), imagining/fantasizing what relationships are or should be like, relying on external guides (data, articles, science) instead of getting out there and engaging relationships regardless of where he's at experience-wise because he lacks confidence?

I can think of an extreme example without the data, articles and science but with a caveat-->I'm not using this example in reference to DT. A guy whose concept of male-female relationships is based on porn with no real life experience.

I dunno. I could be way off base here. I've noted publicly that there are times when his posts come off as masturbatory in nature and I don't recall what all else I've said to him when he's ticked me off, so I do think criticism is healthy for people to be confronted with and even harsh criticism is instructive. My perspectives generally come from attempting to interpret and explain what I see. Though I don't spend much time on this topic these days like I did in the beginning because it's an exercise in futility on a message board. It's interesting but then again, there's no place to really go with it.

[_ajax18]

Out of curiosity, Ajax, were you younger than 25 years old when you got married? And were you saving sex for after marriage or had you and your current spouse been intimate before getting married?

No sex before marriage ever. I was 28 when I married. I had a good 7 to 8 years of bad experiences dating. Romantic relationships have always been a thorn in my side so I'm sympathetic to DT on that. I used to think it was just me. But I've come to see my experience is more common than not. If not threre wouldn't be so many divorces or forever single people out there.

My wife knows how she treats me and why I see things the way I do. The facts are not really in question. We're talking about how we deal with them and ultimately rectify what isn't right. That's where the peace and happiness ultimately comes from.

[_ajax18]

Jesus Christ, I hope your wife never discovers this forum nor the pseudonym of her husband.

Wait.

Actually. I don’t really care.

- Doc

Are you doxing me?

I hope she doesn't discover it either. So why do I write it? I've always valued the ability to be anonymous and talk my way to the truth on this forum. To Talk about things bluntly for the truth's sake is what I'm looking for here. I don't like hurting peoples feelings so I can't talk about this in real life. The truth is often better left unsaid in real life

[_honorentheos]

Out of curiosity, Ajax, were you younger than 25 years old when you got married? And were you saving sex for after marriage or had you and your current spouse been intimate before getting married?

No sex before marriage ever. I was 28 when I married. I had a good 7 to 8 years of bad experiences dating. Romantic relationships have always been a thorn in my side so I'm sympathetic to DT on that. I used to think it was just me. But I've come to see my experience is more common than not. If not threre wouldn't be so many divorces or forever single people out there.

My wife knows how she treats me and why I see things the way I do. The facts are not really in question. We're talking about how we deal with them and ultimately rectify what isn't right. That's where the peace and happiness ultimately comes from.

So why did you get married?

[_ajax18]

So why did you get married?

Talking to older men, I saw they were happy to have children which they would not have had even in relationships that became exceedingly bitter. I'd always been taught by women that men didn't care about their kids. I started to realize wasn't true.

And yeah I was still a believer deep down so I couldn't just be a whoremonger without some very negative consequences in the hereafter.

Mormonism changes the dating dynamic. In Mormonism men want to marry asap. For women it's more fun to play the field as long as possible. Outside of Mormonism that's reversed. The only leverage a woman has to force a committment is to get pregnant.

[_honorentheos]

I was LDS when dating and married. My only real sexual experience is with my wife after being married in the temple. I was 24 and she was 23. So I can relate to the experience of dating and what it means to be LDS and dating.

I don't recall women being against marriage, though. It was the opposite, really. Maybe Utah was different.

Regardless, suppose you weren't LDS and, rather than being raised to see sex as bad outside of marriage you were raised to view it as a natural step in the dating process at some point where sexual compatibility is something you explore and confirm before deciding to get married. Would having followed that path have improved your dating experience and more likely result in a marriage that was with someone you actually liked and liked you?

[_Some Schmo]

Does religion make people dumb or are dumb people attracted to religion? It's a riddle.

A simple faith can take a dumb person much further toward success and happiness than a genius who who lacks it.

Only a religious person would say or think this.

Part of me wants to shake religious people and tell them they're wasting time, effort and resources.

Another part of me thinks they get what they deserve. You want to waste time, effort and resources, why should I give a damn? It only really annoys me when your feelings of religious entitlement make you think everyone should live like you do, and you think idiotic crap like a damn up like Trump is a good idea for public office, for instance.

[_I have a question]

So why did you get married?

Talking to older men, I saw they were happy to have children which they would not have had even in relationships that became exceedingly bitter. I'd always been taught by women that men didn't care about their kids. I started to realize wasn't true.

And yeah I was still a believer deep down so I couldn't just be a whoremonger without some very negative consequences in the hereafter.

Mormonism changes the dating dynamic. In Mormonism men want to marry asap. For women it's more fun to play the field as long as possible. Outside of Mormonism that's reversed. The only leverage a woman has to force a committment is to get pregnant.

It sounds to me (forgive me if I'm reading it wrong) like you believe your wife was just a means to an end of having children, rather than someone you loved and decided to marry because you loved her, regardless of whether any children would come along or not. It also sounds as though you believe you are in an abusive relationship and you put up with it either for your kids or because you believe "God" will think less of you if you don't stick it out.

[_moksha]

I was still a believer deep down so I couldn't just be a whoremonger without some very negative consequences in the hereafter.

Time to set your decoder ring to the 21st Century.