The DoubtingThomas dating / relationships MEGATHREAD

[_DoubtingThomas]

I am a human being Lemmie. I have feelings.

[_DoubtingThomas]

There is a lot of hate spam in the other thread so I am creating a new one.

DT, probably the best advice you've been given in this thread, as well as elsewhere in the past, is to take to figure out yourself and work on you. Stop trying to get laid. There is no "friends first" approach. Either you are someone's friend or you are not. If you are using friendship to try and get something, most people will sense that and put you on the creepier list.

Instead, build identity capital. That means finding things that you enjoy doing, and investing time and energy into getting really good at them. Identify capital is essential to your long term success as a person.

I do really appreciate the advice. I do spend time on things I enjoy to do. However, I sometimes feel I am wasting my life.

The study from researchers at the University of Texas and University of California-Los Angeles aimed to show that the feeling of regret is part of the evolutionary process when it comes to reproduction, the University of Texas said on Monday.

"For men throughout evolutionary history, every missed opportunity to have sex with a new partner is potentially a missed reproduce opportunity - a costly loss from an evolutionary perspective," said Martie Haselton, a UCLA social psychology professor who worked on the study.

The three main regrets for men: being too timid to approach a possible partner, not being more sexually adventurous when young and not being more sexually adventurous in their single days.

https://www.chicagotribune.com/living/c ... story.html

I really don't want to have regrets when I am old and ugly. Richard Dawkins said, "Make the most of the one life you've got. Live it to the full". I do want be in a happy romantic relationship. It is just very hard these days. At work you cannot flirt with a woman because there is a risk of making her feel uncomfortable. Inviting a co-worker to go out can be considered sexual harassment. I usually work more than 40 hours a week and I rarely have time for myself. It is hell on Earth.

[_DoubtingThomas]

A co-worker told me that some women play hard to get and don't give you clear signals to see if you have the balls to approach them. It just depends on the girl. Some ignore you to see if you can manage to get their attention.

And that is exactly what is happening right now at work. At work there is a girl I really like and she might be interested in me. But I don't see clear signals, only ambiguity. She sometimes ignores me, but other times she talks to me and looks kind of interested. It is just Hell and I don't know what to do! I am only human! And I don't have the time to look for other women outside of work because I rarely have a life outside of work. But right now I am just sitting here with my laptop at Starbucks, so I think I am not wasting my time right now.

[_subgenius]

Fortune favors the bold.

[_Doctor CamNC4Me]

Fortune favors the bold.

#doubtingthomas,too

- Doc

[_Chap]

At work there is a girl I really like and she might be interested in me. But I don't see clear signals, only ambiguity. She sometimes ignores me, but other times she talks to me and looks kind of interested.

Um, maybe this person is just a co-worker who basically needs to have friendly relations with you as a work colleague, and thus generally acts friendly to you? But sometimes she is a bit preoccupied, or feels slightly embarrassed when you act a little odd? The 'ambiguity' may be inside your head.

If you do have good reason to think otherwise, then why not see if she would agree to have a pizza with you after work some time?

(Why am I playing this game of 'let's make helpful suggestions to DT? Why?)

[_honorentheos]

I don't know what to do!

This one is easy. Stop thinking about it. The hell you are experiencing is in your mind and no where else.

I read through your link in the OP and while I can see where many men may experience regret when it comes to their sexual past, I don't think it's healthy to let that occupy one's thoughts that way. We make decisions based on the circumstances we're in and we ought to trust our judgment in that space and time, learn whatever lessons are to be learned from the outcome and move on. Or we can let time and silliness cause us to reimagine "what if?" scenarios that lack context or real consequence that were present when we made the decisions we made. You are a person with feelings. So is everyone else around you. Let that sink in, and let it be a bit more influential in your decision making. Regret is a choice that comes from failing to learn from experience and realizing the value of failure or choosing a particular path one might not choose again going forward. One shouldn't regret much if anything if it didn't hurt someone else. Not having sex with someone seems to be in that category.

In your current situation, your judgment is your coworker isn't giving you clear signals so you aren't acting on it. Trust your judgment. Be yourself, be a good person to be around, be a friend, and quit thinking about people as supporting actors in the movie of your life. If you feel like you can't help thinking about her and should ask her out, ask her out. If she says no, be cool and let it be. Now you know and you made your move but she wasn't into you. One thing that is very true of your time as a young single person is you are almost certainly going to strike out so get comfortable with it. It's a good thing to know you aren't compatible with someone and can move on. You should view it that way, and figure out how to not make things bad or awkward by asking someone out. Experience is gained from the doing, DT. And at some point you can learn to chill a bit more rather than making small things into mental catastrophes by grounding yourself in life experience and perspective.

[_DoubtingThomas]

The 'ambiguity' may be inside your head.

Right.

If you feel like you can't help thinking about her and should ask her out, ask her out. If she says no, be cool and let it be.

Okay. I am just waiting for the right moment. I am a little bit worried.

And at some point you can learn to chill a bit more rather than making small things into mental catastrophes by grounding yourself in life experience and perspective.

I need to. Thank you for your advice. I am simply trying to be happy.

[_Analytics]

I only read a couple posts off of the old thread, and don't know everything that was said. But if I were in your shoes, here is the advice I'd give myself:

Read the following books:

The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism by Olivia Fox Cabane
No More Mr Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life by Robert A. Glover
The Noble Art of Seducing Women: My Foolproof Guide to Pulling Any Woman You Want by Kezia Noble
Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones by James Clear

I include the last one because you simply have got to be in the habit of eating a low-carb, mainly vegetable-based diet and have got to be in the habit of exercising for an hour every single day. Then get in the habit of being the type of confident guy that women are attracted to, based on the books above.

Then, I'd bite the bullet and pay to join some premium dating websites. The world is drowning with lonely women. Always remember it is a numbers game.

[_DoubtingThomas]

I only read a couple posts off of the old thread, and don't know everything that was said. But if I were in your shoes, here is the advice I'd give myself:

Read the following books:

The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism by Olivia Fox Cabane
No More Mr Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life by Robert A. Glover
The Noble Art of Seducing Women: My Foolproof Guide to Pulling Any Woman You Want by Kezia Noble
Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones by James Clear

I will. Thanks.

Then, I'd bite the bullet and pay to join some premium dating websites. The world is drowning with lonely women.

Where is that world? Beautiful girls that are lonely probably do not exists on planet Earth.