Super Steuss the Vigilante

Post by **_Doctor Steuss** » Fri Oct 19, 2007 10:47 pm

I’ve been debating whether or not to share my “fun” experience from Wednesday night, but I have decided it is worth sharing (although for the most part, it’s just another day as Stu).

My friends and I were at Cactus Jacks for our weekly get-together (yes, it’s a bar, and no, I don’t drink). We decided to go to this other joint called Remedys to play some pool. I left before everyone else, and pulled up to Remedys as a car alarm began to go off. I looked in the direction of the car to see a guy running around the corner of the motel that was behind the bar. I got out of my car, and out of curiosity headed over to the other car. The window was broken and a rock was on the ground.

After surveying the situation for a bit, I decided to see if I could catch the guy, so I started jogging in the general direction that he headed in. I eventually caught up with him as he was getting ready to take a piss behind a tree next to a block wall. I said:

“You just broke the window to my car. I hope you have insurance, because you’re going to pay for it.” (It wasn’t my car, but I thought claiming it was might be advantageous).

He replied, “What proof do you have?”

To which I said, “I saw you do it.”

His retort (after a pause), “What did I steal?”

My reply, “Nothing because the car alarm went off.”

Him (after another pause), “Then you have no proof.”

At this point, I figured I bluff a bit and said “Let’s see if the cops feel the same way.” I then took out my cell-phone, pretended to dial, waited for a moment and then said, “yes ma’am, my name is Stuart, and…”

It was at this time that my bluff evidently worked, and he began to bolt. I holstered my handy-dandy bluffing device (i.e. my cell phone), and gave chase. I caught up with him and body-checked him into the block wall he was running along. After a few moments of stumbling, he leaned up against the wall, grabbed his head and said: “You attacked me!”

I replied, “You know what, I did attack you. We should probably call the police,” and I took out my cell phone again. He didn’t even wait for the pretend dial this time and immediately took off running again (much, much slower).

It didn’t take much for me to catch up with him this time, and I just jogged along side him telling him he should stop, and asking whether he really wanted to do this. After he showed no intentions of stopping, I body-checked him into the wall again. This time he said nothing, just stood there for a while in a daze. After he recovered, he lunged at me with an open palm (I’m guessing to break my nose). I leaned back in time for it to mainly connect with my chin.

He followed through with the momentum from his strike, and began to run around me. I caught his shoulder and drove him to the ground. I put my knee on the back of his neck, and started pounding his kidneys into pudding (strangely [and fortunately for him], adrenalin never kicked in, and I had the frame of mind to think to myself “if I hit his head, that will hurt my hand.”). After about 12 or so punches, I decided he had enough, and got up. He slowly stood up, and without even looking at me, began to run away (or hobble away, rather) again. I didn’t feel like chasing him any more, so I turned around and went to Remedys and found the owner of the car and he called the cops.

They ended up finding the guy about 10 minutes later (less than a block from where I let him go), and had me ID him. I had to fill out some statements, etc… and he… well… he got to ride in an ambulance.

Moral of the story, think twice before breaking into cars.

Post by **_silentkid** » Fri Oct 19, 2007 10:53 pm

I am seriously laughing so hard right now. This image of you running up on some dude while he's taking a piss and confronting him about breaking into the car...amazing. Also the image of you punching his kidneys...brutal. What's next, Steuss? I predict the UFC. It's pretty popular there in Vegas. You already have your nickname.

Post by **_Runtu** » Fri Oct 19, 2007 10:55 pm

Remind me never to go out to a bar with you. :)

Post by **_Doctor Steuss** » Fri Oct 19, 2007 11:03 pm

silentkid wrote:I am seriously laughing so hard right now. This image of you running up on some dude while he's taking a piss and confronting him about breaking into the car...amazing. Also the image of you punching his kidneys...brutal. What's next, Steuss? I predict the UFC. It's pretty popular there in Vegas. You already have your nickname.

That’s so funny you mention UFC. My friend is a cocktail waitress at Remedys. She told me the guy came in last night with no recollection of what happened, and he looked like he had been in a cage fight… and lost miserably.

Runtu wrote:Remind me never to go out to a bar with you. :)

As long as you don’t try to break into someone’s car, you’ll be safe. That, and I had some clouds circling that day, and they unfortunately turned into aggression. I can assure you that thumping people isn’t something I do regularly. I usually try to avoid fights as much as possible. When I was younger, I channeled my frustrations with my mental battles into physical aggression. Back then I was about 40 lbs lighter, and I hurt a lot of people. One of my fears (and main reasons I usually try to avoid confrontation) is I’m scared spit-less of having to deal with possibly hurting someone bad.

I’m really not a violent fellow.

Post by **_Runtu** » Fri Oct 19, 2007 11:04 pm

Doctor Steuss wrote:As long as you don’t try to break into someone’s car, you’ll be safe. That, and I had some clouds circling that day, and they unfortunately turned into aggression. I can assure you that thumping people isn’t something I do regularly. I usually try to avoid fights as much as possible. When I was younger, I channeled my frustrations with my mental battles into physical aggression. Back then I was about 40 lbs lighter, and I hurt a lot of people. One of my fears (and main reasons I usually try to avoid confrontation) is I’m scared spit-less of having to deal with possibly hurting someone bad.

I’m really not a violent fellow.

I believe you. Next time you're in Utah, we have to get together.

Post by **_Bond...James Bond** » Sat Oct 20, 2007 12:50 am

LMAO....this story was funny to read Stu!

Did you Hulk out?

(This evidence that you're fast and agile in addition to ALL ARMS just scares me more and more....please don't get within 500 miles of me so that I don't involuntarily wet myself...that's right...you have a 6' 230 lb 22 year old dude scared to death!)

Post by **_Blixa** » Sat Oct 20, 2007 3:55 pm

My Hero!!!!!

Post by **_gramps** » Sat Oct 20, 2007 8:00 pm

Well, I won't be a party pooper.

It's a great story, but if he gets a lawyer, I'm not sure you would get away scot free on that deal. Especially, if you injured him beyond what was necessary to subdue him, if even that was necessary.

12 punches!? to the kidneys? for breaking into someone else's car?

I teach torts. If I was the guys' lawyer, I might take the case. Assuming you had something to go after.

Post by **_moksha** » Sun Oct 21, 2007 5:19 am

gramps wrote: If I was the guys' lawyer, I might take the case. Assuming you had something to go after.

The last sentence lets me know your are a genuine lawyer. Too many of us have gotten our sense of law and justice from TV. It is nice to know the genuine articles are out there to keep the rest of us on the straight and ethical.

Post by **_gramps** » Sun Oct 21, 2007 5:39 am

moksha wrote:
gramps wrote: If I was the guys' lawyer, I might take the case. Assuming you had something to go after.

The last sentence lets me know your are a genuine lawyer. Too many of us have gotten our sense of law and justice from TV. It is nice to know the genuine articles are out there to keep the rest of us on the straight and ethical.

Well, I teach it. I don't practice it. But the story reads like a lot of the cases that end up in court which I teach to my class.

Like I said, I don't want to be a party pooper. One of the best things about teaching law are the fun stories. I will just add this one into the group.