Coping With Grief - Where are you?

Post by **_barrelomonkeys** » Tue Oct 23, 2007 1:44 pm

I know this topic has been done numerous times before. But I never had anything to say on the matter!

I've been coping with grief for the last few months and used a blog (thank you Shades) on this site to express all the different kaleidoscope of emotions that I've experienced. Just in the last two days have I been able to focus and come to terms with how painful the journey has been and see that things are 'okay'.

One of the most painful and infuriating experiences during my grieving process was being told to 'move on' or my pain being minimized by others.

I actually felt intense hatred at those that expected me to deny my grief and pain - or acted as though how I felt or exhibited the intense flurry of emotions was abnormal or bizarre in some sense. Intense hatred is something quite outside the norm for me!

I reeled from something that was a blip in my life and yet those on this site are suffering from a personal loss of faith, family, and often times their entire world view.

I wonder where those on this site, that are grieving, are in this process?

I also wonder why those that mock or deny the fury, depression, bargaining, etc... can't recognize this board and others as a tool for those that are experiencing a deep personal loss.

_Yoda · Post by **_Yoda** » Tue Oct 23, 2007 1:52 pm

I think that everyone deals with grief in different ways.

I suppose I am probably one of those you were frustrated with because I would always speak with you about solutions, and ask you where you thought your next step might be.

If I offended you, I apologize.

I suppose it was my way of trying to aid you in coping.

I do recognize that when you are grieving the loss of a person, or the loss of a relationship, you do have to go through the different stages....anger, sadness, denial, etc.

I suppose that since I have gone through some of what you were experiencing, I was inadvertently trying to move you into a stage of acceptance too soon, which you had to do on your own.

I do support you, though, and I am your friend.

;)

Post by **_barrelomonkeys** » Tue Oct 23, 2007 1:58 pm

Oh! Liz, you were not someone that told me to 'move on'. :)

I never felt intense hatred toward you and appreciated all your feedback and concern. You never tried to minimize my pain.

Ack, I don't want this to be a personal thread about me!

Post by **_charity** » Tue Oct 23, 2007 2:40 pm

Most people don't understand the grieving process. And most people are pretty clumsy when it comes to dealing with grief in others. They want to be helpful, but don't know how, and end up being UNhelpful.

One of the most common things people do to cause more grief than they alleviate is in thinking urging a person to "get over it" will be helpful.

Post by **_Runtu** » Tue Oct 23, 2007 2:45 pm

charity wrote:Most people don't understand the grieving process. And most people are pretty clumsy when it comes to dealing with grief in others. They want to be helpful, but don't know how, and end up being UNhelpful.

One of the most common things people do to cause more grief than they alleviate is in thinking urging a person to "get over it" will be helpful.

I agree with you. One thing I learned is that nothing you can say or do will really help someone get through the grief; it's a personal journey. The only thing you can say is "I love you, and I'm always here to listen and support." And that's about it.

Post by **_The Nehor** » Tue Oct 23, 2007 3:11 pm

I think most people understand the grieving process....but only their own. When I'm grieving or depressed and need sympathy I invite certain girlfriends over. When I need someone to drag me out of my apartment and help me get out of a funk I talk to some of my guy friends.

Post by **_barrelomonkeys** » Tue Oct 23, 2007 3:17 pm

The Nehor wrote:I think most people understand the grieving process....but only their own. When I'm grieving or depressed and need sympathy I invite certain girlfriends over. When I need someone to drag me out of my apartment and help me get out of a funk I talk to some of my guy friends.

Hi Nehor, I think losing your family or anything that creates an emotional wound is a bit different then a 'funk'. But I do understand your point.

Often times though the idea that we should 'busy ourselves' to 'get over' something is in and of itself not helpful. It suppresses emotions that then come out in other times and in an unexpected fashion.

Thankfully I could freak out on this board (slutty?!, ridiculous, weepy, frantic, hateful, etc..) and didn't have to seek too much outside help. I imagine there are quite a few others on this very board that deal with their own loss in a variety of ways.

I know I'm thankful that I had this outlet as I'm sure others that post here feel the same.

Post by **_barrelomonkeys** » Tue Oct 23, 2007 3:22 pm

Oops! And I just minimized your experience! Sheesh. See I'm so not good at it either. Sorry Nehor!

_Yoda · Post by **_Yoda** » Tue Oct 23, 2007 3:35 pm

The Nehor wrote:I think most people understand the grieving process....but only their own. When I'm grieving or depressed and need sympathy I invite certain girlfriends over. When I need someone to drag me out of my apartment and help me get out of a funk I talk to some of my guy friends.

I think that Nehor brings up an interesting dynamic here.

If he wants nurturing, he goes to his female friends.

If he wants "guy-time, forget about it" attitude, he goes to his guy friends.

;)

Post by **_The Nehor** » Tue Oct 23, 2007 3:42 pm

barrelomonkeys wrote:Oops! And I just minimized your experience! Sheesh. See I'm so not good at it either. Sorry Nehor!

It's okay, I use the word funk pretty broadly. When I lost a family member very close to me I first clammed up and then spent time with people who would listen to my stories. Then finally I knew I needed a kick out of it so I got that.

I think the most important thing to learn is your own grieving process so you know how to deal with it without shame or becoming an endless burden to yourself and/or others.