Venting

[_Sam Harris]

Forgive me y'all, if GIMR is a b*tch today. It's just that occasionally I get dissatisfied with the "State of the Union" in my life, and though I try, it seems that all I experience are wheels spinning in the mud. Occasionally I get lucky and can see actual progress in a short period of time, but usually the case is that I have to look back over many years to see just how far I've come. And don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for that, it's just that I'm extremely pissed today. GIMR is getting an angry headache, and I'm trying not to ruin my weekend/lose my job.

I hate being underestimated. My current situation in life as far as education/work situation is concerned is not entirely my fault. I am almost 27, and still a freshman in college. In the DC area, where everyone judges you by the school you went to and the fortune 500 company you work for/government agency you head, that ain't cool. If I had my way, I'd be on my second Masters by now. But...I have a jealous mother who sought out college as a way to escape my unfaithful father. She found out she was pregnant with me just as she went back. Huge disappointment, obviously. She left school and tried to make it work with him for my sake. Eight years later they divorced. I was never meant to be born. My brother laughingly calls me "an angry f*ck", and he is right on the money. I was concieved in hatred, and neither of my parents wanted me. I grew up hearing about how dismayed my mother was when she found out she was to have me, and how my father didn't even claim me until the day I was born...when he could see that I looked exactly like him. I became "Daddy's little girl/Larry's Shadow", but that's besides the point. Someone resented my life enough to trip me up this far. There were days when I wanted to tinkle on the steps of the Department of Education. Because I lived at home, despite the fact that I paid rent and mom contributed NOTHING to my expenses, I had to include her information on my financial aid forms, and I needed her sig until age 24. It wasn't until after I turned 25 (b'day in july) that I actually started school, and then getting sick last year has just hampered me further. But that's just one piece of this nasty a**ed pie I'm eating.

*sigh* I hate being a government contractor. If I could just get into the government and get past that 1-year probation I'd ignore all the posturing and posing and not give a damn who was a GS-whatever. Feds hate contractors because they have to pay for us, but some of us, when we get here, have nothing to do due to the fact that we work for people who don't know how to/want to delegate work. I have one of those bosses. One of the nicest men you'll ever meet. I adore him, and would love to work for him for a long time...it's just that there's no growth in working for him. I can't progress working for him. He's a DARLING MAN! I'd saw off a limb for the old man. But he won't give me anything to do. He's sitting on a veritable gold-mine of skills...and doesn't even know it.

I have been sitting behind a desk since age 14. My mother stuck me in summer-hire when we were in Germany, and I told her that I refuse to be doing any outside labor. I ended up down the hall from the Colonel that oversaw our base. That summer I learned how to do battle with my first copy machine (the army guys would gather around for the amusement whenever I walked near it), answer phones, schedule meetings, and work within MS office. I completely blew my first earnings (so much for a fall school wardrobe), but it was still good experience.

My mom being an accountant, I worked with her my senior year in high school. She had me correcting expense reports, to make sure the farty old men didn't try to expense porn on their travel (LOL). I also learned how to use their department's software to reconcile their American Express bills. They had me do other stuff too (my sister-in-law had a stack of filing as high as me...lovely woman), and I worked in other departments during the time I worked there, so I gained good experience.

Long story short, I have at age 26 a good amount of experience in the admin field. I can rival someone twice my age. I can do payroll, I can bust back into IT if I really want to. I can do the same with contracts. I'm in HR now. I tend to go and help people, and out of boredom do their work for them. THEY thank me profusely and tell me I'm an asset to the office, but my boss doesn't notice.

The thing that bothers me most is that I've sat here for six months and done little of nothing. I was ok with it for about three. I figured since my clearance was going through, there was only so much they could let me do. But I work with people who will take one minor infraction (I'm not good at training my brain...at least I wasn't at first...to the formatting of government correspondence as they do it here...and everybody's stuff gets corrected...I don't understand why they target me) and use that as an excuse to not give me anything. Like the correspondence I just mentioned. My boss fails to remember that when he was doing it, it wasn't getting out fast enough....like two days before these jobs he was trying to announce were about to close. Now that it's in my hands, it's getting out weeks in advance. But I get in trouble because he doesn't like the wording, or someone hasn't told me that a CEO has left and someone has taken his place, and the letter has gone up the chain and the error was found by one of the TWO people in this whole damn administration who know how to do correspondence correctly. So something gets said, and all of a sudden GIMR can't do something "so simple". Look...I've gotten used to reading 150 pages an hour, so if I skim over a letter and miss a word or comma, forgive me. Don't assume I'm inane because of that.

I have sat for three days and done nothing. That's why I'm always on here. I'm contemplating building my myspace music page (I'm a songwriter/singer), because I'm bored as hell, and I'm in the mood to compose again for the first time since I was 21. But I'm just irritated. It's only a matter of time before I lose my job because "you're not working". But the logic won't come through that I'm not working becuause they won't give me work to do.

I hate office politics. I'm glad that they're not on my nuts because I work with my boyfriend. Luckily that issue only lasted a week. I hate the fact that some government workers are so up their butts about their "status". Can you tell I have no respect for authority? You got where you are by the same path I'm going to have to take. You are a human like me. You have to learn like I have to learn. I can respect accomplishment, but I abhor arrogance.

The other week my boss took a red pen and marked my letters because in government correspondence, there's supposed to be, I think five spaces between the closing line (sincerely) and the person's name. Well, what old feds really mean by five spaces is four spaces and a line....how the hell does that equate? I'm an idiot because I speak English!!!!

Ok. Rant over. My headache is a little less severe. Though I think I still look pissed. People keep noticing.