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My brother and his wife are expecting. This is not their first try. She was pregnant with twins last year, and it went bad, they went in around the third or fourth month, and they had to abort the pregnancy because there were no heartbeats.

Lots of complications in this situation. Long story short, my brother has been bitching about his wife for ten years, they've been married for five. My brother has only really been in two relationships, that with his first girlfriend, my niece's mother...(12 years), and this one. He's complained, complained, left once...gone back...but ultimately done nothing.

My sister-in-law controls the money. My brother learned what he knows of responsibility from her. Perhaps that's why he stays. But now that there's a baby involved, he's met this hussy that he claims he only reads the Bible with, but she finishes his sentences. He's always calling me now complaining about my sister-in-law, and he wants me to just listen...but I refuse. I hate that. I'm sorry, but if you're in that much agony...do something about it. But he can't really now...there's a baby involved...well he can...but it won't be easy.

I'm a bit upset. You wait until your wife is pregnant to start the emotional infidelity, and justify it by saying she's been frigid for years, you've never had a passionate kiss (well, why did you not let go before, why did you marry her?)...on and on and on...I told him to go to counseling, he essentially told me that's only for freaks like me. So I have to listen to him each time he calls to complain about his wife.

This is not his first child, so you would think he'd understand the changes a woman goes through when pregnant. Not only that, his wife has had so many problems with her reproductive system, you'd think he'd be thoughtful on that end...but no.

Am I being mean in not wanting to hear him whine? Should I continue to listen to my brother? Or should I tell him to go f*** himself and leave me alone, as I am probably going through my own hormonal crap, and have other thoughts on my mind? I really feel that he could have solved this problem had he wanted to, but he's been too lazy. Now there's another life involved, and he doesn't seem to see that. All he sees is himself...and there's also my 18-year-old brother who lives in Texas nearby in one of the rental homes of the sister-in-law...where does my brother think the younger one will go if older brother gets the boot?

Older brother says that baby will be "fine" with the love of extended family, but to me there is nothing like two parents.

Have I lost my mind?

Hmm.... I don't know.... There was a time when I didn't reply to my brother and it's haunted me.... so I probably can't look at this very objectively. :)

I would most likely listen to him and be truthful with him about my thoughts on the matter.

Sounds like he is having an affair. He should also use contraception if he has a problem. Most likely there is some kind of emotional involvement there and he feels the need to stay with her, maybe because she has already lost children. He might feel bad about that and feels he is responsible for her. He might not love her. I think you should listen sometimes but maybe tell him not to burden you too much. He ought to understand that you are not his personal counsellor and have your own issues. I am definitly sure he feels emotionally attached due to losing children. He might not want to leave he in that situation but might not love her at the same time. Someone needs to tell him and show him counselling is for everyone.

I wish you luck whichever you decide to do.

Think of it this way. . . the more you DON'T listen to him, the more time he'll spend with this other woman since she WILL.

Is that really what you want?

Pick your poison.

Dr. Shades wrote:Think of it this way. . . the more you DON'T listen to him, the more time he'll spend with this other woman since she WILL.

Is that really what you want?

Pick your poison.

Ooo, that sounds lovely. Keep someone on the phone 'cause we want to control their behavior. 'Cause we're responsible for making sure no one does what we deem they shouldn't do?

Once again, LDS indoctrination strikes deep into the souls of busy bodies everywhere.

Good frickin' grief!

Direct him my way. I've been known to give great life advice whilst having no life myself. :/

Moniker wrote:Ooo, that sounds lovely. Keep someone on the phone 'cause we want to control their behavior.

HELL NO. It's about whether Sam Harris thinks he'll get the best advice from her or from this other woman. It has absolutely nothing to do with control. If she doesn't want to talk to him, that's perfectly fine in every way. It's his life, not hers.

'Cause we're responsible for making sure no one does what we deem they shouldn't do?

ABSOLUTELY NOT. It's not about Sam Harris wanting or needing to control him in any way. She merely asks whether she should be sympathetic. I don't care either way; I was just listing a reason why, yes, perhaps she should be sympathetic if the alternative will disappoint her so badly.

Once again, LDS indoctrination strikes deep into the souls of busy bodies everywhere.

A quick question: Do you consider yourself superior to people who were indoctrinated with LDS beliefs?

Good frickin' grief!

Indeed.

Dr. Shades wrote:

Moniker wrote:Ooo, that sounds lovely. Keep someone on the phone 'cause we want to control their behavior.

HELL NO. It's about whether Sam Harris thinks he'll get the best advice from her or from this other woman. It has absolutely nothing to do with control. If she doesn't want to talk to him, that's perfectly fine in every way. It's his life, not hers.

'Cause we're responsible for making sure no one does what we deem they shouldn't do?

ABSOLUTELY NOT. It's not about Sam Harris wanting or needing to control him in any way. She merely asks whether she should be sympathetic. I don't care either way; I was just listing a reason why, yes, perhaps she should be sympathetic if the alternative will disappoint her so badly.

Once again, LDS indoctrination strikes deep into the souls of busy bodies everywhere.

A quick question: Do you consider yourself superior to people who were indoctrinated with LDS beliefs?

Good frickin' grief!

Indeed.

You asked Sami what she wanted and it related to his behavior--- her choices were to talk to her brother or he may go talk to the other woman. How is that not advising Sami to keep someone on the line or else her brother will do something she would rather wish he wouldn't?

I don't consider myself superior to those raised LDS --- YET, I am thankful I wasn't raised with many of the beliefs. Was I indoctrinated to believe in the supernatural aspects of the Church? No. Was I indoctrinated that women were pretty much chattel? No. Was I indoctrinated with any semblance of guilt associated with ludicrous "sins"? No. Was I indoctrinated with the idea of controlling other's behavior through gossip, group think, marginalizing (apostates), confession of "sins", etc...? No.

So, while I am not superior (in the least) I am indeed quite thankful I do not have many of the beliefs that are pressed in the Church. Aren't you glad you're away from them? Would you want others raised with the beliefs pressed in the Church? I sort of doubt it.

Think of it this way. . . the more you DON'T listen to him, the more time he'll spend with this other woman since she WILL.

Is that really what you want?

Pick your poison.

I just reviewed your statement and regret I said anything, at all. I just seriously don't get the idea that we can choose actions we'd like for people that are ADULTS. So, your advice was for Sami to talk to her brother 'cause the alternative is that he'll do some behavior she deems inappropriate. Again, it's nuts sounding, to me.

Moniker wrote:You asked Sami what she wanted and it related to his behavior. . .

So what? People do that all the time. It's not a big deal at all.

. . . her choices were to talk to her brother or he may go talk to the other woman. How is that not advising Sami to keep someone on the line or else her brother will do something she would rather wish he wouldn't?

Here's how it's not: I just outlined a possible consequence of her not lending a listening ear (she was the one who asked whether she should or not, if you remember). Whether she cares about that potential consequence is completely up to her.

I just seriously don't get the idea that we can choose actions we'd like for people that are ADULTS.

I don't get the idea, either. Thank goodness I didn't make it.

So, your advice was for Sami to talk to her brother 'cause the alternative is that he'll do some behavior she deems inappropriate. Again, it's nuts sounding, to me.

Another rhetorical question: If I see a fifty-dollar bill right next to your foot, is it a terrible, horrible, awful thing for me to advise you to pick it up, since the alternative is that you won't see it and thus miss out on it?

Likewise, if I advise you to pick up that fifty-dollar bill, am I choosing the action I'd like for an ADULT?

Thanks for the advice, guys. Good information across the board. Bond, PM me your numb er, I'll let him call you. I'm still so stuck with this. Pirate, you're probably right. So wise for so young. :-)

Before the advent of this woman, he would call me just to tease me or talk, and when he told me Shone (the wife) was pregnant, he was so happy. This was two weeks ago! Less than a week later, he calls and talks about this woman he wishes he'd met five years ago. I know there's an emotional attachment between him and his wife, but if it's strong enough, he'd damn sure better work for it, instead of making excuses about the failure of his wife. He's complained for so many years, but done nothing about it. Now all of a sudden, those things you ignored, those things that weren't bad enough to keep you from leaving your home and marrying this woman are enough for you to be talking to some other female...even if you "only read the Bible". Any pastor would tell you that this is STILL infidelity, only emotional.

He always makes it sound like the fault is with his wife. Never him. Maybe I should put that in a letter and send to him, because he's sparking my indignation. Shone has done a lot for him, if he hadn't have gotten with her, he'd still be blowing every paycheck on Slurpees (equivalent of Simpson's Slushees) and sneakers. Our parents were too busy licking the wounds that parental responsibility caused to think about their kids after the divorce, and they literally didn't raise us. They taught us nothing. Larry got by on charm, I got by on bookishness. But certain things, like financial common sense, we both missed out on, and now, with me on the verge of bankruptcy with these medical bills, and he with a wife whose an accountant, we've both learned the same lesson different ways....

Though (derail) surprise of surprise...I may have been (may have been, we don't know) misdiagnosed...there's still something seriously wrong, but it may not have been a stroke...or it may have been. Doc sees a mass near my pituitary gland (now you see how impatient I am about my brother's penile urges?), but my blood vessels look ok. He thinks the bleed they saw last year might have started in my spine...confusing. BUT....I'm gonna be RICH B*TCH!!!! IF THEY MISDIAGNOSED ME! I have people calling my house at all hours looking for their money. And I've been in and out of the hospital all year because they told me not to ignore the headaches...and no wonder Mt. Vernon was pissed at me, I didn't show signs of stroke...only the contrast MRIs show issues...ok, back on topic...but point is, my life is too complicated to worry about my brother's Shakesperian tragedy. If I was misdiagnosed (will know in about two months) I'll pay for his divorce and move back here.

Shone may not be the most emotionally free person, but she's always been kind to me, and when my brother learns to face HIS hangups (because they are there...he's just ignored them), he can have more mercy on other people's.

Maybe I will write him a letter. I tend to be more effective in writing. He just yells at me or gets off the phone anyway, and I'm tired of every conversation we have being about this woman. If I find out where he works, I will call there and find this woman...and let her know she needs to back off...and hell, my brother loses jobs every three to six months, he'll find another, it's worth it to save his marriage. You made a vow, before God or not, and you knew these issue existed before you made that vow. Don't use them as excuses now.

That is why Steve and I are exploring the option of going to counseling NOW to learn how to communicate. We are opposites in many ways, and sometimes do not understand each other...but desire to. Before any children are born, before any vows are said, we want to learn the proper tools to talk things out and deal with conflict. People wait until the relationship is dead before they go to counseling, and then wonder why they can't resurrect anything. We actually can't wait. I was trying not to laugh on Wednesday when in a debate he told me that I always take the exact opposite stance that he does. No I don't. I just take the long way of agreeing sometimes...LOL

But back to brother.

I asked him if he was willing to go to counseling. First excuse. Only weird people like me do that, and really..."black folks don't go to counseling" (explains the high rate of becoming a statistic amongst us). I asked him if they were willing to talk to their pastor. Again, wife's fault, she wouldn't go, because she didn't want to listen...they'd only attempted once, like everyone opens up on the first try. My brother is an IDIOT! I'd really like to rochambeau him right now. A child is about to be born, whose life can be ruined by his misstep, and all he can think about is reading the Song of Solomon with some hooch.

I cannot stand people who complain about things (to me) that are within their power to change that they do nothing about. Don't complain to me, I'll overstep you and act for you, and it might embarrass you. I could easily call his wife and ask where he works...I could easily find out how large this company is, how many females are in it, and find this hooch...call her, grill her, and make sure she doesn't call him again until he's made a clean break with his wife if this is what he must do.

But he needs to do it now. Because once that baby is born, he's gonna give it the old college try (history repeating itself) just like my parents did, and that child will get used to a two-parent household, and no matter how screwed up it is, it will damage that child the day it dissolves.

Ever since I was in kindergarten I've looked at my brother and thought him a bit slow... He may be eight years older than me, but he's a dumbass sometimes...