How bad is this?

[_Mercury]

I love my wife. I do what I can around the house when I can between work, study, more work and doing what I can with our kids. My wife does not work, hasnt for over two years. The house is a mess, the kids watch too much TV. The bills get paid ontime and I cook half the time. The laundry piles up until I say something about it wherein a third of the pile is diminished with the clothes relocated washed but in a pile in the closet. She wont take the kids anywhere and hates to introduce them or herself to unfamiliar social situations. I hate this because my kids do nothing but watch mom sit on the couch and read japanese comics or surf the internet. If it were not for church she'd never leave the house.

Help!

[_Jersey Girl]

I love my wife. I do what I can around the house when I can between work, study, more work and doing what I can with our kids. My wife does not work, hasnt for over two years. The house is a mess, the kids watch too much TV. The bills get paid ontime and I cook half the time. The laundry piles up until I say something about it wherein a third of the pile is diminished with the clothes relocated washed but in a pile in the closet. She wont take the kids anywhere and hates to introduce them or herself to unfamiliar social situations. I hate this because my kids do nothing but watch mom sit on the couch and read japanese comics or surf the internet. If it were not for church she'd never leave the house.

Help!

Merc,

Has it always been that way or would you say that it developed with the increase of children in your life? The reason I ask that is because it isn't always easy to take care of the more "mundane" though necessary things that make a household operate efficiently. Most of what SAHM's do in the house, is such an endless cycle of repetitious chores. It really does get to you sometimes!

When I was a SAHM, I always thought that keeping the house orderly and in good fashion, dishing out the 3 meals and snacks each day, and teaching my children was my half of the deal. I worked from sunrise to sunset and then some. Starting with breakfast and ending with bedtime baths and stories. Not to mention the all nighters with sick kids and volunteerism, and all the other things that SAHM's do for their families.

I truly loved it all, but not every single hour of every single day!

Here is one idea and I don't know how this would go over.

Hire a housekeeper.

Yes, I mean it. The desired effect would depend on how you think your wife would react to having a stranger come in to do the things that she presumably signed on for.

If she'd like it, probably don't do it!

I also think there is some underlying evidence of depression in your description. Either that or your wife is a staunch introvert.

What say you on that?

Has she lost her enthusiasm for homemaking and child raising or was she always a bit like you describe? Do you take her out? Make her feel special? Bring flowers or some such "brightners" for her?

I realize that you probably feel like YOU are due the flowers and brighteners! But do you do things that make her feel appreciated?

Just as a basis for comparison, my children never saw me sit on the couch for hours and do anything such as you describe. I'm not a hyper person either. Not a type "A", if you will. Though I fully admit that I timed their naps for General Hospital! I watched it daily while making dinner!

Also, one more thing...are you sure that she doesn't do anything all day except sit on the couch, read comic books, etc? I remember years ago, JB saying something to the effect that "All you do is sit home all day"....I thought for a moment and replied, "Oh! You think that because the house looks like this when you come home that it looks like this all day!" And the next day, I didn't do anything at all.

He walked into toys all over the floor, food stuck to the wall and under the high chair mat, dishes piled up in the sink and dishwasher, clothes tossed all over the floor and bathroom.

"What the hell happened here?" and I said..."I sat home today".

:-P

All true!

[_Imapiratewasher]

I am so sorry for you Merc, that must suck big time. I am guessing you have probably looked at the place once to many times to cause you to discuss it on here after suck a while. Only you and your wife can make change to your current situation. It is sad that your children are falling into that. Maybe you could talk with her bishop. If you have home teachers come in it might encorage her to want to do something about the place. I feel arguing won't help. I haven't read what Jersey Girl wrote as I am on my way to bed, but I am sure her wise words will be of benefit to you. If it is beyond repair and things are that bad maybe however sad it is, you could offer up an ultimatum that she helps around the place a bit more...

Is your wife depressed?

All I can personally do is listen as emotional support and I am sure that will pretty much be the same for most people on here. You do however need to keep calm.

I wish you luck in your situation and I empathise with you.

God bless,

Pirate.

[_Jersey Girl]

Mercury,

You don't say how old the children are. I think that one is under a year old because you announced the birth here on the board. I'd like to know how old the children are. I'd also like to know how you feel about doing some "modeling" for your wife and I don't mean modeling sexy nighties! (Of course, I wouldn't rule that out!)

If you're up for it, I could make some suggestions on how you might model some things for her that could uplift the situation a bit. Barring that she does not have depression, I say that you should not attempt to assign blame here but rather find ways to turn the situation around. I believe you can do it.

How long has it been since she's had a check up for herself with a doc? You don't have to answer that here on the board nor do I expect you to discuss whether or not you think she might suffer from depression.

Again, tell me of you're up for some "modeling" for her and I'll give you some suggestions. I've done that for posters online prior and with good results. One, that I worked with fairly long term is on this board but I wouldn't expect them to endorse me publicly.

Think too, about what type of role model she had for a wife and mother. What were her days like when she was a child? Did she have a mother who interacted with her? We learn so much about our adult roles from the adults in our lives.

I need to know how old the children are to make suggestions.

[_Jersey Girl]

Putting some of this in separate posts to make them easier to respond to. You don't have to reply, of course, but I hope to raise some issues that will help you in some way.

When was the last time you went out on a date? Or away for an overnight? When was the last time it was only the two of you, relaxed and interacting with eachother?

Sometimes when the children are very young, it's hard to stay a "couple".

Just throwing that out to you.

[_Jersey Girl]

I'm going to start without you. :-)

1. What is a typical day like for your family? Starting from morning until the children (and you both) go to bed at night?

2. Are the children on feeding and sleep schedules? Do they have meals at regular times? Nap and bedtimes at regular times? Is there predictability in their day? Do they have periods of activity and rest and are those fairly regular?

3. What does your wife do for herself besides the couch thing? Does she have hobbies? What's she interested in? For example, if she's a scrapbooker, would she be up for taking a photography class? A scrapbooking class? Think about those things that she's interested in and how you might connect that to a situation where she'd be out and about, learn something of interest and make social connections.

4. Would you like some information on the effects of TV programming on young children? What are the children watching? How long are they watching TV for? Is the TV on all day long in the background in your house? Is the TV ever off?

5. What do YOU do with the children when you're home? List what you do with them.

6. What do you do as a family? Again, give me a list.

These may seem like random questions. They are not. I'm going to use your answers to try to figure out where to go with this. I know you don't like me, but I'm pretty good at what I do.

If you want to go email with this, let me know and I'll PM you my email address. You have confidentiality with me going in.

[_msnobody]

Well Merc, sounds fairly common to me. A mom just gets burned out. I'd guess things aren't as romantic as they once were either.

[_Mercury]

Its friday and i'm going to tuck into this slowly. Its been a bad week and this issue I've been confronting for 5 years, possibly my whole life is a very complicated issue for me. Heres the thing. My life has consisted of changing parental figures every 5 years. The state removed me from my mothers house when I was in second grade and went to live with my father and his new wife. My father gained the most of the partial custody of me and my brother. My mother was under deep depression and in disarray, my bitch of a stepmother was a neat Freak psycho from the more inbred parts of Utah.

I keep the house orderly when I can, either through guilt or doing it myself but mostly through a combination of both. I hate having to guilt my wife into cleaning because its usually initiated right after I start to pick up when I get home. I'll start to straighten up the living room or kitchen and about a thord of the time she will join me, followed by a quick return to the couch and a request to clean the other room.

I like to cook so we share the meals when I am home. Breakfast, lunch and snacks are handled, no problem and can usually be found on the living room and kitchen floor/table/counter and smeared on the furniture.

The kids play consists of interacting with toys, various objects, pulling out the CD's/DVD's, destroying them interspersed with 2-5-10 minutes watching the ever present television. I observe consistently the TV is on when I leave in addition to when I return, the 31 month year old parked in front of it. Moms on the laptop or feeding the ten month old while on the laptop. What is done in between I cannot say with certainty, all I know is what I see when I come and go. I keep the TV to a minimum and recieve complaints when it is turned off.

My wifes half of the relationship seems to be collecting electronic versions of Japanese comics and watching Korean/japanese High school soap operas while phoning in the kids activities and the housework.

I come home, ask how she is and I get depressed when I can't see anything constructive happened at the house today for her or my 31 month old. The 10 month old I worry will swallow bits of plastic, paper, food or other objects the toddler spreads throughout the house like confetti until I arrive home to clean.

I am considering hiring a housekeeper but the purse strings are controlled by the one who does not earn any money. What I mean by that is a resounding "that costs money" is given as a reason to deny my repeated discussion of hiring a maid. We have money. What we don't have is one sides ability to acknowledge that whomever is responsible for the same duties a maid from Servicemaster provides, the same needs are not being met currently. Make sense?

She is a staunch introvert. We married very young. We went to the same elementary, middle and highschool. She is affable and friendly but also very limited in her social depth. My social life and progression at work is challenged as the social life is how you get into higher positions. At HHC social functions are subsidized by the company but your partner adds strenghts I am trying to foster in her any normal upwardly mobile individual should want. She would have been happy staying middle class. This is a part of the larger problem I am dealing with.

I do what I can to maintain. Sweetheart gifts come often to her. Chocolates, Sonic coneys and runs to Starbucks are always our language for "i cared enough to go out of my way for my love". I love her and the kids more than anything. that's why I wrote the OP.

Naps for the 31 m/o are rarer and rarer. Oddly enough its the weekends when she gets her nap. The toddler is easy to put down. Hell, I just did that now. Took a half an hour but I did it.

Also, one more thing...are you sure that she doesn't do anything all day except sit on the couch, read comic books, etc? I remember years ago, JB saying something to the effect that "All you do is sit home all day"....I thought for a moment and replied, "Oh! You think that because the house looks like this when you come home that it looks like this all day!" And the next day, I didn't do anything at all.

He walked into toys all over the floor, food stuck to the wall and under the high chair mat, dishes piled up in the sink and dishwasher, clothes tossed all over the floor and bathroom.

"What the hell happened here?" and I said..."I sat home today".

This is how bad it is: I ask what the hell happened almost every day except now I don't even bother. I know what happened and so does she. No argument will solve it so we don't bother yelling at each other. I've had too much yelling in my life growing up to learn that raising your voice solves nothing. We never have yelled at each other aside from very specific moments that went nowhere until cooler heads prevailed, nothing lasting onger than ten seconds and no harsh words, just statements of feeling.

I have been asking "What the Hell Happened" consistently for the past 2 years and i am at a loss for what to do. Now I worry that my kids will be raised the same way she was raised, the seventh of ten kids in a household, raised by the occasional parent and reluctant big brother or sister in concert with the ever present TV.

[_Mercury]

Well Merc, sounds fairly common to me. A mom just gets burned out. I'd guess things aren't as romantic as they once were either.

its not every night but we keep it frequent enough.

[_Jersey Girl]

I want you to know that I'm about to wade my way through your long post. If I don't reply quickly, it's because I'm weighing it all out before I do.