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My stepdaughters are here for a few weeks, twins age 13. I agreed to let them come up, because my fiancee hasn't really had all that much time to be able to spend with them over the years.

Problem is, one of them really thinks she is grown. She's haughty, she doesn't listen, her cell phone is glued to her hand, why in the hell does she have a boyfriend at age 13, and she refuses to do anything asked of her, unless you hound her.

Now, I don't think that's a typical teenager. I'm sorry, but I think that's a product of bad parenting and too much MTV. I'm having a bit of trouble enjoying having her around. She came to visit her father, and she barely speaks to him, she stays in her room which is often messy and littered with dishes, texting some other kid about hell knows what all day. She literally freaks if you take that phone. She looks at you like you're beneath her, and she runs her mouth way too much.

Her sister is the exact opposite. My fiancee thinks the antics of the feisty twin are cute. I think it's abhorrent.

I put a proposition before the twins when I took them to the library yesterday to use the internet. I would reward them monetarily if they took one book, read it, and could tell me and their father what it was about when they finished. I did that because I understand that a lot of youngsters do not read these days, what with all that fecal matter on TV, and that an incentive would be needed. The mellow twin immediately got a book. The feisty one got one that had already been made a movie (she thinks I'm stupid), and when I told her that wasn't acceptable, she ran in circles around the library. So I picked out a book of my choosing and told her that she could waste time, but if she didn't have a book in her posession when we left, this was the one she'd be reading. Who knows what she got, I managed to skim it to make sure there were no sex scenes (she picked out a Fabio romance once). I bet her father this morning that she would neither read the book, nor do any chores when asked, unless hounded.

We don't have internet at home yet, and I don't want it in that house until they leave, because of the feisty twin. I'm not going to have her talking to her myspace pimps from my machine unless either her father or I get access to her page and can see who she's talking to. She doesn't think that's necessary. But she also stayed out past midnight one night, claming she'd left her cell so she couldn't call home (now that I see she can't take a crap without the thing, I know that's a lie), and her mother, idiot that she is, just went to bed. WTF? If my child was out late, and I knew they were ok, I'd be waiting at home ninja-style ready to whup that ass when they came in. If I didn't know they were ok, I'd be wringing my hands and trying to figure out if they were. That's how I was raised, you didn't run the streets in your teens. I never had a curfew because my mom always knew where I was.

This girl is starting to aggravate me. Firstly, I feel she's disrespectful to her father's home, you come up here to visit HIM, not chat all day and all night to your fellow hoodlums. Because the minute we leave the house you want money. Also, she seems to think that we're just supposed to give her things, and I'm like, um, honey (my fiancee), you have bigger bills to pay now.

I tried to explain to Steve that he didn't have to buy them everything they wanted just because he was guilty he wasn't living with them. I've seen far too many divorced parents do that. These kids wear designer everything. I told him his youngest kid would be up for a rude awakening if he/she thought they were going to live like the older sisters. Where I come from you earn what you get.

I want the girls to enjoy their time here, but I'm not about to run myself into debt every time they come up here because that's what they expect. What can I do? I've talked to Steve, and told him that he can sit the fesity twin down and calmly let her know that there were actually rules and consequences for not following them in her father's house, and to sit back and see what she does. When she inevitably ignores him, then let the consequences fall into place until she gets it. He just sits there and thinks, "how cute". I'm not about to have that. I pay the bills around here too, and I'm not going to have lack because they need BabyPhat, and I'm not going to deal with roaches because the fiesty one keeps food covered dishes in her room. You should have seen her yesterday, she literally stood over the sink for 20 minutes before reaching her hands in to wash dishes. I have never seen the like.

Sorry, Sammi, I have to smile. Welcome to the world of teen-aged girls! LOL

The cell phone glued to the ear syndrome is fairly normal. My 16 year old is like that. She also heaves a heavy sigh when asked to do chores or babysit her younger brother for me. Now, I will say that she does eventually do what is asked. It would just be nice if it was done without all of the "it's the end of the world because you are asking me to do something outside my plans" drama.

Personally, I think that 13 is a little young for a cell phone, but it's difficult to judge. If Mom is single and works, it's probably a good idea from a practical standpoint.

My daghter had a boyfriend at 13, but it amounted to her just talking on the phone with him all the time. Out until midnight? 13? Yeah, that's definitely a WTF moment.

You're in a precarious place because they are not your kids. Steve definitely needs to be on the same page with you and, no, you are not wrong to expect rules to be followed in your home.

The book idea is great! I wouldn't hound the naughty teen for not reading. I would simply reward the good one and let the other girl see that she is missing out. ;)

I'll comment more later. Feel free to email and hang in! ;)

Hey Liz,

Mom is single, but I think that for the most part she just lets those girls do whatever they want. I guess my concern stems from my having been a nanny in several different households. I know I can't go on how I was raised...my mom was psycho. But feisty twin seems to think it's acceptable to try her parents...and they let her.

I used to nanny two kids who got whatever they wanted, because the parents were guilty for having divorced. They never really learned to appreciate what they had, every day was sugar and toys, and trying to get them to do the things they were supposed to do was like pulling teeth. One family, at the request of the mother, I had to write up a contract for, and make them sign, saying they'd do their chores. All completely new to me.

As far as the boyfriends, she's been caught lip locking. I told Steve, nip it in the bud now, she's 13 and thinks she's grown, imagine what will happen when she gets older.

I think he feels bad because he thinks that if he can't take them to the mall every weekend they won't want to come to Daddy's because "it's not fun". I'm of the school of thought that you can take the phone, internet, and cable...and let them find something else to do. I did it, my cousins did it, countless other bored youth did it. But we'll see.

Steve's mom told him to beware spoiling those girls at the expense of our pockets. I told him that with my check this week, bills got paid first, and whatever was left, we could split between them, but that's not going to be a regular thing.

Who is paying evil twin's cell phone bill? Their mom, I assume, right? If so, can she be persuaded to just let the account expire so evil twin won't have it glued to her ear?

Also, can Steve bring good twin over but leave evil twin home, under the (true) pretense that evil twin hasn't earned the privilege yet?

Ha! Funny. I don't think parenting comes into it, there are parents out there that can have lots of really nice kids and one bad and they all were brought up the same. Good luck with that is all I can say. I have seen younger teens do far worse, but you are right, she should have some respect for her dad's home. She probably feels she shouldn't because he has missed some time, perhaps you could talk to her and findout how she feels about the whols situation.

I'm a bit ticked about the situation, because it's about to cause us a great deal of financial hardship. Steve's mom told him not to spoil those girls, but he's so used to just sending them money for clothes and shoes (on average twice a month) that he's not thinking about the reality of NOW and what we have to do to uphold our household. He's still living like he's at home. Which is annoying me.

The mother was supposed to send the girls up with SOME spending change, it wasn't supposed to be hundreds of dollars. And she could have gotten it if she wanted to. But she didn't, so the burden of their designer clothes is now on us.

The feisty one is going to see what happens when she doesn't listen. Both parents make excuses for her. She claims there's no summer reading list at her school; her mom says there's no organized one, but they still have a list of books to read, but "she won't read it if it doesn't interest her". I told Steve to be prepared for his younger child having a COMPLETEY different lifestyle, I refuse to raise a child thinking that clothes and the opinions of others is the only thing that matters in this world. I'm horribly weird, but I've known some well-rounded teenagers who didn't stay in front of the TV, and who were actually respectful towards their parents.

The mom pays the cell bill, but for the time they're up here, it'll be our responsibility (it's like she just dumped them out of the car and left...now had Steve done that), though if that phone runs out early, I'm going to ask Steve not to put money on it right away. I had to convince him that we don't need to spend another $80 on groceries, since we just went shopping saturday. They eat like it's a hobby, not because they're hungry, but because stuff is there. I just can't see it, as I didn't grow up that way. I told him that the basics must always be in the house, of course, but if we buy a week's worth of goodies and they eat it in three days, let them wait until we get more next payperiod. I think it's sinking in.

It's only been a few days, but I'm feeling uncomfortable. I have a feeling that Steve will do whatever to keep them "happy", but when was happiness ever material things? I had planned outings for us, but I have a feeling that unless you're buying them things, for the most part they're not going to be into it.

Wow. Everything you say sounds like 100% common sense. I'm rather surprised that Steve actually needs to be told these things.

Dr. Shades wrote:Wow. Everything you say sounds like 100% common sense. I'm rather surprised that Steve actually needs to be told these things.

There's something about Dads and daughters that causes a blind spot, particularly if there is guilt already involved.

In that case, Steve needs to back off and let Sam handle all the decision-making.

I think that guilt plays a huge role here. Not to mention, Steve isn't even at fault with regards to why he and his ex are no longer together, that woman cheated on HIM. But she takes complete advantage of him. I really don't like her, but I'm kind for the sake of the girls. Still, I've told him in private that he needs to start reigning her in.

He of course pays child support, but is also getting raped by taxes because she won't let him claim one of the girls. She gets all this assistance she doesn't need (in my opinion), but always expects him to foot the bill whenever she goes shopping for herself and they see something they want. I don't get it.

LOL, if I were to be making the decisions, feisty twin would hate me. Because I'm old school, and don't play that.

We talk about some of the issues, and he hears what I'm saying, but I think he's afraid to approach the feisty twin. I'm all for not taking her butt anywhere or doing anything for her if she continues to behave the way she's behaving. And I will say something if I come home to a messy house today. Not to mention, they suspect I'm pregnant, but he's too afraid to tell them. I have to kind of respect that, because my dad randomly started a new family and expected me to cope (I met my brother when he was 3 months old, and met the other when he was 5....and had to beg to meet the latter). But he still needs to let the girls know that he's an adult, and if mommy can move on, so can he. It's not really the issue of me being there, it's more the issue of him wanting to make sure they want to be around him. I once dated a man who wanted to ask his daughters for permission to date. Now what did that fool think they would say?

But my opinion is, if the girls don't want to respect you or your house, then you need to let the distance be there until they can. But this is all new to them, it's been a while since he had his own place where they could stay. And we've only ben in our place for a month. I'm trying to get him to see that the longer he waits to give them a sense of "um, this is just a second home, complete with the same responsibilities and rules", the harder it's going to be for them to understand that in the long run. The fiesty one thinks she's grown, and I told him, it will only get worse the older she gets, if you don't instill a sense of responsibility now.

Their mother wants to go to the Middle East to work, and Steve doesn't want that. I tentatively agreed to let them come live with us because neither of us feel comfortable with them living there (especially these two completely Westernized girls, good heavens!), but I will rescind that if I don't see him stepping up to the plate. It's like he's afraid to talk to them. He keeps saying that he can and he's tempted sometime, but I guess it's just how I was raised, I do not repeat myself more than twice. If you didn't hear it the second time, we go into conference, and you come out of it knowing that you don't want to cross me.