So in response to the business end of the OP, our house is mostly in order but we're not "there" yet. We started out with literal nothing and now our estate involves serious value. I'll leave it at that. I didn't know how easy I had it when my mom died being an only child. I did all the real estate stuff long distance with the help of an attorney and the Boy's relatives took care of her personal belongings, sending some to me. I was single parenting a newborn and 4 year old in the PCNW. Ma, who was living with us to be my birth coach, died three weeks before I had the baby, the Boy was on a remote tour, and everything happened during that time. That's when I developed situational depression but I coped the best way I could. Anyway, it wasn't all that a complicated because I was the only one making decisions.
Here's another issue we have dealt with. When a wealthy relative passed away, she bequeathed a substantial amount of money to two of four siblings, and stuck it to the younger two. Without naming numbers, let's say it was akin to two siblings inheriting 100K and the other 2 inheriting 10 bucks.
That's how bad the disparity was. This resulted in a family rift that lasted about 20 years with siblings not speaking to each other. We understand why she did it. The older two were and remain responsible adults. The younger two, not even close. I doubt she considered that these weren't her children and that her decisions would split the family down the middle. But that's exactly what happened and it was terrible. Our kids lost their aunt and uncle for 20 years. Can you imagine? People who want to do a similar thing and deliver a slap in the face need to remember that if you're going to stick it to some, you're going to end up sticking it to everyone else and blow up a family because the one's that got the slap will take it out on the rest.
Today...
Stuff
I've purged most everything accumulated over the years that I could on my own. I got really good at it, too, and it's freeing! It took years for the Boy to get on the same page because he's accumulated way too much inventory devoted to "just in case", but he's coming along if at a snails pace. Got rid of two vehicles and when I went to do thrift store drop offs, he started by handing me one book. Then more and more things. When I read your comment about your Dad's belongings...pretty much the same mindset and approach, and it's not fair to the children involved who have to go through everything as it is. If personal belongings are in a state of disorder, they shouldn't have to go through that and compound the situation they are faced with. I'm still working on a few categories myself and then...I have to compel him to rip the band aid off of what's left.
Funeral and/or celebration of life
He wants his funeral to be at his church. Casket and burial. VA will take care of some of that. He's done no personalized planning with regard to service. If he can't do it, I can do it. I am planning my own funeral service. This may sound crazy but I want the service to reflect me, my life, and who I have been. I want to make people cry. I want them to cry from their gut. I've got the songs and hymns mainly chosen and scripture. I just need to dig up a piper and I'm good. When my mother died she was cremated and there was no way I could have a service for her. Don't get me started on what the relatives said from back home! I want to share my service with her. I'll be cremated and where I previously wanted my ashes scattered with hers, I want to have a grave with a headstone and share it with Ma. I still don't know if I can be buried where the Boy will. That's the current status and I might go back to the scattering idea where the kids can visit a place of natural solitude and reflect.
Lawyerish things
I spoke at length with an attorney to figure out what our options are. For the sake of simplicity, let's say our estate is comprised of three piles. One money, two is the house, three is the personal property, furniture, vehicles and sort of thing is also part of the package. The money part is easy. Here is where it gets complicated. We have 2 kids who previously would have taken care of two and three together. Today we are not so sure. Not discussing the reason here.
Attorney said that we can appoint a third party to sell the house and also our belongings. Where does that leave the personal things that our kids might want? I don't expect them to want my style of anything. I'm talking about family items. This C'mas I am gifting them each a family heirloom piece of jewelry so I can get those out of the way. Who gets our wedding rings? My engagement ring? Does anyone want my collected art work? Do we just have a third party estate sale company sell off every little thing and leave an empty house? Do we want to put our kids in a situation where they have to work and grieve together? I don't want our kids cussing us out. I want them
crying their baby eyes out in the pillow every night for grief's sake.
Right now we aren't in a situation where we can call a family meeting. We are seriously at a stand still over this right now and we're burning daylight over here.
As to the situation where one of us dies first. Everything pretty much relies on the key to our safe deposit box. It's a big one and has various documents stored in it. That part is easy. The above part that I wrote about, not so much. If I die first, he's ready to go forward. If he dies first, I am likewise ready to go forward. That much is in place. All I can say at this writing is that I hope I live long enough to finish the job we've started and get things settled in a way that is fair and equitable and makes sense to us.
We're not dragging our feet. We both want to have this done. It's just that there are complications and hurdles to jump. Like how do you decide this stuff? It's not the big things so much as it's the little things. Like the rings.
So yeah, there's my life on a public forum. I don't even care any more who reads it.
