Is your house in order?
Posted: Mon Jul 24, 2023 7:58 pm
I'm on the tail end of cleaning up the estate for my father and in simplest terms, it was an absolute cluster-fudge. His passing was not completely out of the blue but certainly much sooner than any of us really expected. I love him dearly, but my father was not a man of planning or discipline, and he left behind a tangled mess that has proved a challenge to sort. An outdated will (locked in a safe his own wife couldn't access), failure to update address for previous pensions/401k/insurance, failure to update beneficiaries, and decades long hoarding of goods that needed to be accounted for, sorted, and dealt with. Couple all that with no written instructions on what to do for his funeral apart from what I had effectively forced him to talk to me about and what you're left with is a seemingly impossible amount of work during an obviously very intense grieving process.
It was an eye-opening experience to me for sure. For one, it was the closest death to me where I was also in the position of having to manage most of the work. My mom passed too young for me to have been engaged in the process or remember it even if I had. And the passing of other close relatives came with support and guidance from other family and although I was a big part of some of those there was both the presence of a plan and many hands to help. Secondly I realized I'd obviously not done enough preparation for myself, SO and I have our will in place with a few contingency plans based on who goes first and when (or if we're together) but I certainly hadn't written out in great detail the kinds of things I wanted done with my body, what the service should look like, or how we were to pay for it all. I hadn't written out things like, what should happen to our pets (fortunately the kids are old enough to manage themselves now
) or identified those things in our home that are family heirlooms or valuable collectibles. I had an organized filing cabinet and some extra special instructions in a fireproof safe but outside of my SO I also hadn't prepared anyone on how to access it and use it.
Fortunately I had a little guide to help me. My sister had purchased my father a copy of I'm Dead. Now What? that is a workbook for helping you put all this information in once place. Much to my dismay Dad had only filled out the first page with his name and contact information, but I was at least able to use it to build my own guidebook for those left after I'm gone. The hardback copy was nice and I'm sure you could find a ton of other similar resources, I personally preferred to create a digital copy to go with the paper to make it easier to access all the appropriate sites for things like our mortgage, insurance, retirement, etc..
I think it is easy to think to ourselves "my loved ones know me and what I want" but I don't think it is too mean to suggest this is a selfish mindset. I also think I was naïve in not pushing these topics more. Maybe everyone here already had it all planned out, but I thought my latest experience might be a good wake-up call for others, even if it is just to go back and check there isn't anything you need to update. I'd also be interested to hear if anyone has anything particular they’ve done (or seen done by others) on this front to make the process easier for those that are left behind.
It was an eye-opening experience to me for sure. For one, it was the closest death to me where I was also in the position of having to manage most of the work. My mom passed too young for me to have been engaged in the process or remember it even if I had. And the passing of other close relatives came with support and guidance from other family and although I was a big part of some of those there was both the presence of a plan and many hands to help. Secondly I realized I'd obviously not done enough preparation for myself, SO and I have our will in place with a few contingency plans based on who goes first and when (or if we're together) but I certainly hadn't written out in great detail the kinds of things I wanted done with my body, what the service should look like, or how we were to pay for it all. I hadn't written out things like, what should happen to our pets (fortunately the kids are old enough to manage themselves now
![Laughing :lol:](./images/smilies/icon_lol.gif)
Fortunately I had a little guide to help me. My sister had purchased my father a copy of I'm Dead. Now What? that is a workbook for helping you put all this information in once place. Much to my dismay Dad had only filled out the first page with his name and contact information, but I was at least able to use it to build my own guidebook for those left after I'm gone. The hardback copy was nice and I'm sure you could find a ton of other similar resources, I personally preferred to create a digital copy to go with the paper to make it easier to access all the appropriate sites for things like our mortgage, insurance, retirement, etc..
I think it is easy to think to ourselves "my loved ones know me and what I want" but I don't think it is too mean to suggest this is a selfish mindset. I also think I was naïve in not pushing these topics more. Maybe everyone here already had it all planned out, but I thought my latest experience might be a good wake-up call for others, even if it is just to go back and check there isn't anything you need to update. I'd also be interested to hear if anyone has anything particular they’ve done (or seen done by others) on this front to make the process easier for those that are left behind.