Dead Parrots and Mormonism

[_Mercury]

Scene:
A man walks into a Mormon ward building on sunday making his way to the bishops office. He is a recent convert fed up with the half-truths and "milk before meat" approach he got from the missionaries.

new member:
I wish to register a complaint!
I would like to return my testimony. Im afraid it is a contrived construct.

Bishop:
No its not.

New Member:
Listen, The missionaries told me your a christian church. Why does God have to live on Kolob? that's not a very christian belief but something youd hear from Scientologists or Raelians.

Bishop:
Nononono, were christian, see, theres a picture of Christ on my wall over there. We just need to wake your testimony up.

(Grabs a Book of Mormon and beats the new member over the head)

Hellllooooooo Sheepie, wakie wakie!!!!!

New Member:
Stop That!
Why are there more pictures of Joe and the hinckster than Jesus?

Bishop:
Because they represent Christ...i mean they teach of Christ...uh, theyre LIKE Christ...damn. Joseph smith will judge you along with some other guys when you die. Just pray pay and obey. can't you do that?

New Member:
Why did the LDS church buy a mall for two and a half billion dollars when their total charity expenditures didn't even come close to that ammount? I mean, were talking orders of magnitude smaller. And why does the church need all that farm land worked by indentured servants?

Bishop:
Those are just anti Mormon lies perpetuated to defame the church of god. And besides, even if they were true..uh..we can do it because were the true chuirch, thjerefore were justified. Ask any faithful member.

Nothing to see here, move along.

New member:
Still though, this testimony is contrived. The missionary discussions are made to illicit the emotion the missionaries want at the moments decisions are forced onto the investigator. Its something that a snake oil salesman would do. Isn't that a problem?

Bishop:
Nono that's, err...a blessing! Its used to get you in touch with the spirit. Just shut up and obey. The missionaries should have told you that's your responsibility.

New Member:
This is a cult.

Bishop:
You...want to go back to my place?

New Member:
I thought you'd never ask.

[_Jason Bourne]

Scene:
A man walks into a Mormon ward building on sunday making his way to the bishops office. He is a recent convert fed up with the half-truths and "milk before meat" approach he got from the missionaries.

new member:
I wish to register a complaint!
I would like to return my testimony. Im afraid it is a contrived construct.

Bishop:
No its not.

New Member:
Listen, The missionaries told me your a christian church. Why does God have to live on Kolob? that's not a very christian belief but something youd hear from Scientologists or Raelians.

Bishop:
Nononono, were christian, see, theres a picture of Christ on my wall over there. We just need to wake your testimony up.

(Grabs a Book of Mormon and beats the new member over the head)

Hellllooooooo Sheepie, wakie wakie!!!!!

New Member:
Stop That!
Why are there more pictures of Joe and the hinckster than Jesus?

Bishop:
Because they represent Christ...i mean they teach of Christ...uh, theyre LIKE Christ...damn. Joseph smith will judge you along with some other guys when you die. Just pray pay and obey. can't you do that?

New Member:
Why did the LDS church buy a mall for two and a half billion dollars when their total charity expenditures didn't even come close to that ammount? I mean, were talking orders of magnitude smaller. And why does the church need all that farm land worked by indentured servants?

Bishop:
Those are just anti Mormon lies perpetuated to defame the church of god. And besides, even if they were true..uh..we can do it because were the true chuirch, thjerefore were justified. Ask any faithful member.

Nothing to see here, move along.

New member:
Still though, this testimony is contrived. The missionary discussions are made to illicit the emotion the missionaries want at the moments decisions are forced onto the investigator. Its something that a snake oil salesman would do. Isn't that a problem?

Bishop:
Nono that's, err...a blessing! Its used to get you in touch with the spirit. Just shut up and obey. The missionaries should have told you that's your responsibility.

New Member:
This is a cult.

Bishop:
You...want to go back to my place?

New Member:
I thought you'd never ask.

Don't quit your day job dude.

[_asbestosman]

Mate, your testimony wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

I know this is supposed to be satire and as such one would expect exaggeration. I just think the exaggerations are so silly it is almost a parody on contra-mormonism itself. Unfortunately I think your beliefs and attitudes are quite close to your charicature.

Why are there more pictures of Joe and the hinckster than Jesus?

Uh huh. Why don't you show me one picture of Jesus somewhere, anywhere. What are we going to use, the Shroud of Turin? I am unaware of anyone who has seen Jesus that has also taken a photograph or sketched a portrait of the same. I find the written word to be much more important. Last I checked, We said much more about God and Jesus than about Joseph Smith or the President Hinckley. All prayers are addressed to Heavenly Father and done in the name of Jesus. The Sacrament does not mention anything about mortal prophets. You mention pictures, but in my ward building I can hardly find any at all. My scriptures don't even have the Arnold Frieburg stuff.

Why did the LDS church buy a mall for two and a half billion dollars when their total charity expenditures didn't even come close to that ammount?

I don't know, but last I checked charity isn't the church's responsibility so much as it is the individual members. The church has a threefold mission and charity would probably fit under perfecting the saints. But to perfect the saints through charity requires that the saints do good out of their own heart. And even then we have other things to do such as proclaiming the gospel and redeeming the dead. Can I help it if you think that charity is the only worthwhile part of churches and likely the only reason you even tolerate Christianity at all whatsoever (however little that toleration may be)? I'm sorry, but if the church is true, proclaiming the gospel and redeeming the dead are at least as important as charity in the eternal perspective. Pray tell, how much has the church spent on those endevors? What about other aspects of perfecting the saints? Besides, if you really feel bad about the orders of magnitude difference in business and charity, pray tell, how are you doing in that regard? Are you donating a significant fraction of your income to charity? Great! I'm happy for you. That is how it should be done instad of pushing the responsibility onto the church.

This is a cult.

What do you even mean by "cult"? The teaching of children and so on is similar to that found in other Christian churches and yet you complain about Mormonism not being Christian. Is most/all of Christianity a cult? And let us not forget other religions. In fact, even non-religion has been known to indoctrinate children and adults into the idea of no-God.

"Cult" is an emotionaly-charged word. I find this ironic when the previous statement by the "New member" mentioned missionaries using discussions "to illicit the emotion the missionaries want". Are you also a snake oil salesman?