Just a teenager?

[_skippy the dead]

Skippy, I understand. I was reading on another forum where the person pretty much put it like this. Kids come first, ex comes second, any children you have with your spouse come next, and you come last. I would hope it's not going to be that way with us (at least put the adulterating ex last, goodness, I'll come next to last), but my fiancee doesn't seem to want to face his kids. We have enough on our plate without having to deal with this, and I know he sees this.

I talk to my mom about it (IRONY), but it's still frustrating. I was reading on a forum today, that there are some people who just don't like their stepkids. I don't want that, I want to love the girls, but the feisty one is making it hard for me to give out my affections.

I dealt with a younger brother (who I helped raise) who didn't have any structure, and hence refused to listen, refused to bathe, threw tantrums. I have a huge sore spot when it comes to belligerent teens. I know they don't have to be...I've seen many who are not.

I was thinking - I know things are tight (especially with the pricey visit from the twins), but have you all considered some family counseling together? At the least, perhaps everybody would pick up a little something to help "blend" - maybe Steve could pick up some parenting tips (getting him out of the "how cute" rut); the girls can see that nobody is replacing anybody, and that you are actually a nice addition to the family, not a substitute for anything; maybe you can get some peace with what remains beyond your control; and hopefully everybody picks up some good communication tools. I think it's great that Steve is spending so much time with his daughters, and for your own sanity, it would be nice if there could be some basic courtesies.

I do agree, though, that at the least there shouldn't be food in rooms and big messes (my mother never allowed food in bedrooms - that seems so foreign to me; probably why food stays in the kitchen in my house, with occasional ventures into the great room). I'd almost suggest putting the TV in storage until they're gone, if only to get rid of that issue.

However it goes - good luck! If you need, plan an occasional afternoon or evening away just for sanity (good advice under most circumstances).

[_Sam Harris]

Skippy, I understand. I was reading on another forum where the person pretty much put it like this. Kids come first, ex comes second, any children you have with your spouse come next, and you come last. I would hope it's not going to be that way with us (at least put the adulterating ex last, goodness, I'll come next to last), but my fiancee doesn't seem to want to face his kids. We have enough on our plate without having to deal with this, and I know he sees this.

I talk to my mom about it (IRONY), but it's still frustrating. I was reading on a forum today, that there are some people who just don't like their stepkids. I don't want that, I want to love the girls, but the feisty one is making it hard for me to give out my affections.

I dealt with a younger brother (who I helped raise) who didn't have any structure, and hence refused to listen, refused to bathe, threw tantrums. I have a huge sore spot when it comes to belligerent teens. I know they don't have to be...I've seen many who are not.

I was thinking - I know things are tight (especially with the pricey visit from the twins), but have you all considered some family counseling together? At the least, perhaps everybody would pick up a little something to help "blend" - maybe Steve could pick up some parenting tips (getting him out of the "how cute" rut); the girls can see that nobody is replacing anybody, and that you are actually a nice addition to the family, not a substitute for anything; maybe you can get some peace with what remains beyond your control; and hopefully everybody picks up some good communication tools. I think it's great that Steve is spending so much time with his daughters, and for your own sanity, it would be nice if there could be some basic courtesies.

I do agree, though, that at the least there shouldn't be food in rooms and big messes (my mother never allowed food in bedrooms - that seems so foreign to me; probably why food stays in the kitchen in my house, with occasional ventures into the great room). I'd almost suggest putting the TV in storage until they're gone, if only to get rid of that issue.

However it goes - good luck! If you need, plan an occasional afternoon or evening away just for sanity (good advice under most circumstances).

I think that if the girls do come to live with us, that would definitely be in order. I would like for Steve and I to do it on our own just to learn how to communicate better. I'm a very literal person, I do not really "joke" all that much (though I do find humor in a lot of things). Steve jokes a great deal, and and will often joke about things that bother him to take the weight off the issue. We're learning a lot about living together, and we're both trying to cope. I tend to be the more serious long-term thinker, though Steve is coming into that now. It takes time. I'm looking for something we can do as a couple, and there is a place that works on a sliding scale (LOL, we will make up for it in GAS!!!). I think that after the girls leave, we may head out there. It can be quite frustrating.

I don't feel that money is tight more than I do that we're not spending it right. We'll have to figure that out before baby comes. Budgets look wonderful on paper. Eventually I hope to be working from home, and in this area it kind of helps that we're not married, I get daycare vouchers easier. Eeew, daycare. I want to stay home with my baby. *sniffle*

[_Jersey Girl]

Can Brazleton's books be bought in places like Borders or Barnes and Noble?

Yes, they sure can. His more recent book is called "Touchpoints" but I really want to look that one over incase it's geared more to professionals than parents. I think it's a bit of both actually. I wouldn't want you to buy one if it's not going to be applicable. I can't lay hands on it today though. If there's only one thing I could do for a parent-to-be in online terms, it's to make them aware of the work of T. Berry Brazelton.

[_The Nehor]

Take Phone. Use old-school tactics. Corporal punishment is underrated. Good luck.

[_Jersey Girl]

With regards to the OP. You are like sooooo olllllld. ;-)

What are the rules you have for them when they stay with you?

All I really want is for feisty twin to clean up after herself. She won't do that unless you literally stand over her. I'm exhausted when I get home, I don't have time for that, and Steve seems to think it's cute. She'll lay in bed all day texting or talking on the phone, the room will get to the point where you can't see the floor, and if you ask her to do anything, she looks at you with attitude.

Just clean up after yourself. Why is that so hard?

The phone has to be negotiable however, you aren't in a position to confiscate it. Steve has to be agreeable to doing that.

So you make a list of oh, 3 main rules which you and Steve have agreed upon in advance. You state the rules to the girls. Remind them of the rules when the situation warrants it and when push comes to shove you simply say calmly and cooly:

You can put your dishes in the sink according to our rules or go without your phone. It's okay with me if you go without your phone.

Then DO it.

It's all in the follow through. No bribery. Rules/consequence and let the chips fall where they may.

If Steve had access to the phone account, he could just have the service shut off. Don't ask me how I know this! :-) In a pinch, he could confiscate the charger instead of the phone.

(Gawd, I'm good!)

[Guest]

Delete -- Skippy stated it.... I hate giving advice...

[_Moniker]

Just a general comment: you really have no authority over the girls. It's just an unpleasant side effect of the situation (they're already established individuals, you aren't married yet, they haven't had time to get to know you well prior to a pending marriage). You can try to push Steve to act as you'd like, but in the end, if he won't do what you want, you're kind of stuck with the result. You need to consider this as you plan for your future. Feisty girl is not going away anytime soon. And you can easily be seen as an interloper (especially with the new child on the way that will necessarily detract from Steve's attentions to her). The reality is, the best you can do is find an ear to bend when things make you cranky, because unless Steve makes a change, things will likely only get worse.

Word of caution - I've seen first hand the successful results of a determined girl's efforts to push a second spouse out of the picture. You certainly don't want to create the feeling of "it's me or her", in particular with the new child on the way. Everybody loses then.

Edit: This came out sounding harsher than I meant. I was just trying to say that I understand the frustration and powerlessness, and that there's a delicate dance involved. It's a by-product of blended families, really.

Oh! Skippy beat me to it.

GIMR -- perhaps you could find a stepmom board and go vent there. You can commiserate and understand more how these dynamics work.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/blended ... milies.htm

[_moksha]

Step-kids can really be hard on your relationship. Just make sure there is no triangulation going between you, Steve and the twins.

If you are both in agreement, sit down with them and read them the riot act. I know you would be good at it! ;-)

[_skippy the dead]

Delete -- Skippy stated it.... I hate giving advice...

Typically I do too. But sometimes I can't keep my big mouth shut. And practicing family law for a while gave me quite the perspective.

[_Moniker]

Delete -- Skippy stated it.... I hate giving advice...

Typically I do too. But sometimes I can't keep my big mouth shut. And practicing family law for a while gave me quite the perspective.

Well, this is one of those instances where I was willing to give advice, too!

There is sooooo much information on the net dealing with blended family dynamics that would probably be helpful for GIMR to look at.